[Xtree]

Would you give up on therapy if you could be friends with T. I personally do not believe that trauma can be cured, but I do believe it can be manageable. So assuming you are managing and doing okay. Obviously you cannot do both, which would you pick.

Xtree

[Melbadaze]

xtree, you seem to have put a lot of "either/or's" and "nevers" in your question which rather limits ones response.

[Perna]

Oh, Xtree, I feel sad when I read your present beliefs. Trauma can be so much more positively changed than just "managed". I was in therapy for 20 years with my therapist and cannot imagine having done anything else or that anything else would have been so worthwhile, even being "friends" with T, if I understood what that meant.

I was JUST thinking about this this morning. I suspect that T has something big/sad/serious going on in his life outside of therapy and it feels weird to love someone and not be allowed to support them when they need support. T tells me all the time "I have a LOT of supports" and I know he does, but still.

So. Usually, I am super grateful for the relationship being just what it is. I like that the boundaries allow for so much emotional intimacy and honesty, within such a really really safe framework. It's at times when I wish *I* could be there for *T* that I wish things could be different.

It this a choice you are needing to make, xtree??

[seventyeight]

hi xtree, interesting question. i've thought about this too, and think ultimately i'd stay with being a client rather than a friend. that's not to say i wouldn't LOVE to be my therapist's friend, but i think there can be the potential for so much.. more? within the therapist-client relationship.

i think the hard part is that with friendships, one knows what to expect as we have tons of examples all around us. it's an easier "category," if you will. with the therapist-client relationship, most of us have no example (of it's success) to follow, and we have no idea what to expect. it's a much harder relationsip to negotiate, but i'd like to believe that it has the potential to be a much more rewarding one as well.

[zooropa]

I'd choose to remain a client rather than a friend, because if I became her friend I'd have to find a new T, and it's taken me this long to find someone I can trust.

[peaches100]

I would remain a client.

[deliquesce]

is this a hypothetical situation, xtree, or something you're facing right now?

fwiw, i wouldn't want to be friends with pdoc. i love him dearly, but i don't know who he is outside of the therapy room and maybe we just wouldn't gel. i think i could like austin-t as friends a lot more, but our therapy relationship isn't as precious to me as the one i share with pdoc, so i could probably trade it in ok. in fact - i do think my therapy relationship with austin-t will end in another year or so (probably less) - and the question then becomes whether i would like to become one of his employees (he has raised this possibility in the past). i think it would work out ok. but the other thing is that i'm doing all my trauma processing with him, so he would also know that part of me also. i do believe its possible to heal completely from trauma. i'm not leaving austin-t until i get there. but i know it's also going to be a lot sooner than i've previously expected.

[mobius]

I'm curious why you bring up your thoughts about the possibility of trauma being "cured" in conjunction with your question, xtree.

I've often wished I could be my therapist's friend. There are a lot of times when I feel like I need a good friend more than I need a therapist. But I know, deep down, that those wishes aren't really based in reality. I think I know a lot about my therapist's life, but the truth is I know some things and fill in the rest with assumptions. She engages me in a way that's totally different from a friendship (obviously), and I think I'd really miss that kind of engagement. OTOH, like tree said, there are times when it would be nice to be able to have more reciprocity in the relationship, so that I could offer support in return.

I'm not sure exactly what it is, but it sounds like there's something painful in your question, xtree. Hope you're well.

i would rather be a client...

[Xtree]

The situation is a little unorthodox but it has been working. We both belong to the same church and our paths cross often. My T tries to maintain the proper boundaries in church and I respect that but it can be very difficult. It has crept into therapy a little, my fault. The question came up about what would work best for our relationship and therapy. And in reality where I am in therapy, am I done? The bottom line she has a responsibility to my therapy first and anything else would have to come later.

I care very much about her but I struggle talking and with attachment. In thinking about this I am wondering if I am better off having a T that I just use as a sound board and having better boundaries might help me cope better in therapy?

We did not talk about a new T but the rest was discussed just as a what if … or a maybe if ..

Xtree