[ECHOES]

I love my T but I not my therapy. It isn't difficult, it is shallow and boring to me and I keep talking about that and it doesn't move. I don't know that I can open up after all. I am disappointed in me. But also tired of trying to make it happen, waiting for it to happen. Maybe I just don't have it in me.

(((((((((Echoes))))))))))

What a difficult spot to be in

I've always been impressed by your commitment to stick with this therapy no matter what. It's something that I learned from you, and that I've kept in the back of my mind during times when I want to quit.

Is there something specific that you want to talk about that you are afraid to bring up? Do you need T to push you a little bit? Could you ask her to?

Lots and lots of , echoes

[sittingatwatersedge]

(((((((((((((((( echoes )))))))))))))))) can you and yr T look at the original reasons you came to therapy, the goals that the two of you agreed on? and talk about whether you're there or if not, how you are to get there doing wihat you (two) are doing now? Maybe your needs have changed, your goal has changed, and T needs to know that clearly so some different direction can be taken?

From all the posts I have seen on PC related to finding/not finding the right T, it seems that if you love this one, you might focus on the process and not the T?

This has got to be so hard for you.
Good luck and let us know how you go

[Eliza Jane]

At one point, I felt the same way. I said something to T and she really stepped it up. I would suggest discussing the issue, including the possibility of transfering t's with her (t's are tough and can take it). I'd hate to see you leave someone that you like when there is still a possibility of making it work.

Best,
EJ

[Melbadaze]

Echoes, I'm surprised! sorry your feeling this way.

[granite1]

echos is you T unable to help you move foward if you are stuck in one spot?

[Perna]

I'm sorry. Has it always felt this way or are you comparing against other people's stories? You do not strike me as boring or shallow at all here at PC and your T doesn't complain; it puzzles me that your therapy could be that way. Do you know what you would like to talk about but do not? Maybe it is just a means to get there you need?

[Oceanwave]

Maybe you can't get anything out of therapy any more because you worked on what you had to work on, and are now ready to leave. If this is the case you can just do that. Just fire your T.

[sunrise]

ECHOES, I echo Melba: I am surprised. That's because I think of you and your T as being a really good fit and your putting a lot of effort into having a connected relationship with her. I also don't think of you as being shallow or boring (AT ALL!), so it is surprising to hear that you think your therapy is that way. Whenever you post about your therapy, you seem to have so many insights, ECHOES. It has sounded like you are going deep in therapy and it has also sounded like you are being really "thorough" in therapy. You really seem to examine a lot, at levels I don't always get to.

If your therapy seems disappointing right now, is that something it would be helpful to talk to your T about? (Maybe you have.) Sometimes I have felt like things were not going well in therapy or there was some kind of therapy issue, and if I have been able to raise it with T, he has frequently had a good idea for how to do things differently so as to work better for us. He will come up with ideas that had not even occurred to me, and that seem so simple once he says them, but I had not thought them possible or imagined them.

ECHOES, if/when you do decide to quit therapy with your T, I hope you will give yourself the gift of taking some time in therapy to process the termination and reflect back on the work you and your T have done together. Somehow, if you started this process now, I have the feeling you would resolve the "boring/shallow" problem, and continue on with new motivation.

Wishing only the best for you...

[ECHOES]

Thank you. I appreciate your reading and taking the time to reply. A lot of good thoughts here. I wish I had a better reply but I don't right now.

[MissCharlotte]

Hi Echoes,

I don't know if this helps but I feel a little similar right now. I wonder if...after a certain amount of time, we have hit a plateau, like dieters do! And I wonder if this part of the journey that is walking across that plateau is boring or something. Or maybe we are still carrying the same damned baggage we had before we reached the plateau and it's time to unload it.
From the way you wrote your original post, it sounds like something you have felt before. Does it feel familiar to you?

Feel good.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I wish I had a better reply but I don't right now.

Hmmmm, interesting, this makes me think that something is keeping you from moving forward and it has more to do with you than your T????

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Hmmmm, interesting, this makes me think that something is keeping you from moving forward and it has more to do with you than your T????

Oh, yes. I never meant to imply that T is the issue.

[WePow]

Echoes, I believe you have to do what you feel is in your best interest. If you are not gaining at this time, take a break. For some of us (me), it is very hard to leave relationships of any kind. We tend to not want to "hurt" the other person or have them feel badly. So we keep the relationship alive even when both parties would be better served with it ended. I once had a girlfriend that I really dug but it always felt odd around her. I would ask her what was wrong or if she was happy and she would say yes. Breaking up with her was one of the hardest things I ever had to do because she was soooooo nice. And I liked her a lot as a friend. The day I finally worked up the nerve to do it, she suddenly looked and felt a whole lot lighter and she smiled and gave me a big hug. I was kinda shocked. But we talked and she said she had felt the same thing - that we would be better as just friends - but she was afraid to hurt my feelings so she stayed with me. WOW. I had no idea that we both felt the same thing with the relationship.

Talk with your T about how you feel and be honest. Ask T if this is something you need to do for right now.

[Sannah]

So what is going on with you Echoes?

[ECHOES]

Since I posted originally, the title of my thread has been bugging me. Why would I talk about 'firing' and not 'struggling' or 'unsure about continuing' or 'feeling embarassed about falling apart (again)' or a few other things I could have used for a title. Had you asked me, I would have denied feeling angry with T. And I think that is not just denial or avoidance, it is because I recognize it as projected anger.

I am really mad at myself.
For saying at the end of the session that we "didn't talk about anything important", for falling apart after the session and calling her. I really should hide the phone from myself on therapy days... I am mad because I do feel boring and shallow in therapy. My major defense is Nothingness:
"I don't know.",
"I don't remember.",
"I forget.",
" ................ ".
My defense is to be invisible, or as near to it as possible.
Yet I (secretly) crave being out and seen and heard.
Push/pull. Run toward/retreat from. Bask in the light/hide in the shadows.

Anyway, that's one of the things I know about me.

My T is non-directive. That's good. Lonely sometimes, too. I have dependency tendencies so there are times I would like nothing better than for her to say " (this) is what is important". I know that to her, everything is important. I know because she states it explicitly. When I can remember even that it feels good.

A recent kind of long break, financial issues limiting my sessions, and upcoming vacations too. Things that can push my panic button and make it stick.

I struggle with the therapy relationship. What the heck is it anyway. I know it is unique, and therapeutic, and professional. But when the feelings that get stirred up make me feel so childlike, it is just confusing and hard. All at once I can be talking about my boss, hearing T 'coo' words of wisdom about fears or other emotions, and I just want to stay in that place and listen. I think when I get pulled from that place it feels like she has left me. That is what I accused her of, of distancing from me (her words in her voice mail), of not 'allowing me to be close to her'. I think it all is just what happens in my mind when I pull away (to just listen) and then get pulled back. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's what it seems like.

I listened to her 2 voice mails over and over, until I could really hear what she was saying, until I could hear her as concerned and encouraging and sincere. (When I am angry, I am dismissive, so I can't hear those things. I hear with my fears, instead of my ears.)

Thanks to everyone.

Especially to Tree, who reminded me of what I have said so many times: That I will keep going, and I will trust the process.

[Perna]

I still remember the time we did a whole session (back-to-back sessions so 100 minutes) and at the end I realized something was off and said, "I think we spent today talking about the wrong subject" and T got a thoughtful look for a moment and then said, "I think you're right!" and the session was over. That was such a shock to me, that T wasn't "in charge" of what we talked about, that it was wholly directed by me and I as in partnership with T to make sure we talked about what was "right" for me.

That and the day we agreed I would no longer say "I don't know", where we'd take the time to let me look inside ("check your heart") and answer whatever the question was, were a couple of the best helps I ever got from therapy. I still stop and check my heart and, over time, I've gotten "faster" at it, (Where the heck did I put my heart? How do I check it? Picture someone rummaging through 50+ years of stuff stashed in her heart to find one little detail!).

[WePow]

Echoes, the work you are doing is very powerful. Great job knowing you needed to listen many times to hear what was being said. And excellent work knowing what your filters are!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I recognize it as projected anger.

I am really mad at myself.

For saying at the end of the session that we "didn't talk about anything important", for falling apart after the session and calling her. I am mad because I do feel boring and shallow in therapy.

My major defense is Nothingness:
"I don't know.",
"I don't remember.",
"I forget.",
" ................ ".
My defense is to be invisible, or as near to it as possible.
Yet I (secretly) crave being out and seen and heard.
Push/pull. Run toward/retreat from. Bask in the light/hide in the shadows.

I struggle with the therapy relationship.

when the feelings that get stirred up make me feel so childlike,

(her words in her voice mail), of not 'allowing me to be close to her'.

The feelings that make you feel childlike, is this your inner child?

Are you going to talk to your T about these issues that you have mentioned above?

[rainbow8]

ECHOES, I don't know exactly what to tell you, but I can relate to your problems with the T-relationship. I feel like that too.

My defense is to be invisible, or as near to it as possible.
Yet I (secretly) crave being out and seen and heard.
Push/pull. Run toward/retreat from. Bask in the light/hide in the shadows.

I struggle with the therapy relationship.

when the feelings that get stirred up make me feel so childlike,

I don't have an answer, though I'm hoping to find one in my therapy.