[JustWannaDisappear]

I wanted to post this in the depression forum but I can't. I hope this is OK to ask here.

****COULD POSSIBLY BE TRIGGERING****






Whenever I am asked either by my PCP or T if I am suicidal I say no. I'm lying but I am afraid of what will happen if I admit it. Thing is, I do not have a plan and I trust that I wouldn't take my own life. It's just thinking about wanting to disappear (hence the name) and vanish from everyone's memory. Not sure if that is really being suicidal or what.

This isn't recent, it's just been something I think about more often than I use to. I'm thinking about talking to my T this week, but I'm scared of actually saying it to someone. I also am scared if I admit this to her or anyone that I will have my kids taken away.

Anyway- this brings me to my question, is this the same as being suicidal or what is this?

[WePow]

Be very honest with your T about these thoughts. Suicidal thinking is not planning. T's must protect you - and they will. But they will not "turn you in" for thoughts. I have talked with my T about this at great length due to the nature of my issues. T told me how they work on this topic and why they do it the way they do.

You NEED to talk with your T about the ideas.
You have a NEED to be honest with T because this is eating you up on the inside.
T has a NEED to hear you share this because it will allow T to give you the help you need from T.

I just wanted to share this with you because I do understand how it is hard to tell T you think those thoughts. You are safe with your T.

[Perna]

There are several different "levels" of thinking about suicide; there's ideation (thinking about it), intent (plan), and attempt itself. But they are all serious and it's a good idea to talk about how you are feeling with your therapist. It can't just "go away" or get better without some sort of help.

I often thought about suicide, I believe in a similar way to what you describe and I have never attempted suicide. However, looking at my thinking about suicide, now, when I have completed therapy and do not ever think of it anymore, it is reaching out and telling someone and discussing it with my therapist, etc. that helped me most, I think. I encourage you, as WePow says, to talk to your therapist, even if you are afraid (do it in a general way, but do it, "Occasionally I wish I didn't exist" sorts of comments). Any sort of dialog with another person can often be very helpful; I was stuck in my own head for a long time and that was my biggest problem, though I didn't realize it. Someone else's comments can often shift what we are thinking or surprise us, etc. I once told my therapist I wished I could cry myself to death and we had a wonderful discussion on how that is literally not physically possible. I'd never thought about that and knowing that as bad as I felt, my body was in there helping me, protecting me, made me feel a lot safer and more comfortable and less extreme/in pain. Often it was the thought that things could go on "forever" that was most difficult and painful for me and discussing my thoughts (they're just thoughts!) with my therapist helped me, over time, understand that I had a lot more strength and a lot less to worry about that I thought.

Think out loud! There's no crime or negatives about one's thoughts. Thoughts come and go on their own and are a bit like dreams (which is why day dreaming is similar to night dreaming) and "just" thoughts/dreams/fears, etc. They're not actions.

[moonrise]

Once I learned that my current T would not throw me in the hospital but would actually talk to me about it and make an appropriate assessment, I told her. I trust her enough.

I think you need to tell her, but might preface it by saying something like "I want to tell you something. But I'm afraid that you might misunderstand me. "

And if you're not really intent on killing yourself, most hospitals won't admit you.

I do think you should talk about this. I did have a psychiatrist tell me that if I admitted to being suicidal she would call Child Protective Services so I'm not sure what will happen. I thought that was kind of cruel, but I guess they have to think of the children as well.

[mobius]

It's just thinking about wanting to disappear (hence the name) and vanish from everyone's memory. Not sure if that is really being suicidal or what.

Whether or not it's being suicidal, it seems like it might be helpful to talk about with someone. It sounds like an incredibly lonely experience. When your therapist asks, you might preface it by saying that you don't have any intention of acting on your thoughts, but here are some things you've been thinking about...

I struggle with the discussion too...off to start another thread so I don't hijack yours. For what it's worth, when I've talked about it with my therapist in the past, she's never brought up the idea of "taking away" my son. You do have to be quite actively suicidal to be hospitalized and what you describe doesn't sound like that.

[WikidPissah]

I am going to be the devil's advocate ... please don't hate on me. I have had really bad experiences with even mentioning the S word in T. I have been immediately hospitalized several times. This goes thru my head a lot. After a few hospitalizations you learn not to bring it up, and if your asked deny it. Sorry if this sounds paranoid and wrong...but you have to understand there are a hell of a lot of over-reactive T's out there.

[mixedup_emotions]

I never believed myself to be suicidal...yet my T has seen signs in me, apparently, that bring out that concern in him. Basically, for me, it's been the combination of putting myself in harms way or at risk of being harmed...plus....the resignation, the "giving up"....

Even though our last couple sessions have been pretty awful misunderstandings, he even said to me that he didn't know what would get through to me at that point - whether I'd check in somewhere and take time off from work.

I was thinking, WHAT??? Very hard to hear that he would think that...and the ripple effect it could have on my daughter's welfare, my job, etc.

I know that in order to get the help you need, it's important to be honest...

Have you tried calling an anonymous hotline of some sort to help you with some of this?

[seventyeight]

hi jwd, i agree with what everyone else has said - that it's definitely something to talk to your therapist about. also, i'd add that i think there's a difference between not wanting to live and wanting to die. maybe this is a point you can make with your therapist as well..