[Shangrala]

I've been seeing a therapist for the first time in my life. Sessions for 9 weeks now. They've been going great. Making fantastic progress.

She's lead me to a point with myself where I have discovered the core to my issues....now, to just attend to them the best that I can.

All these years...ALL of my life, actually, I've sought to fill this void in my life. Always this feeling of something missing and always seeking to fill it in the wrong directions, thus leading me to the inevitable brick wall of immediate disaster, redirecting me, once again, onto another path as I resume my quest.

My first visit with my T, the first question she asked me is why I'm there? My first response was to overcome my life-long fear of failure. So, the sessions following she guides me to seek for answers as to why I'm seeking this.
It wasn't until last week that she began to question my initial purpose of being there as she saw another possibility as to what I was really seeking within self.
So, we go into that direction, which lead me straight to my inner child from the age of 3, and the abuse I received from the neglect and verbal degrading from my mom since that young age. Because of this, mom taught me that I couldn't trust adults, including myself.

All these years I thought that what I was needing/seeking was acceptance from my mom, as she was the one person from whom I never received approval.
Well, apparently, this last session made me realize that it wasn't my mom's approval I've been seeking all along (well, indirectly...yes), but it is trust of adults that I have been seeking.
Mom was the cause of the core to my issues, not the core itself.
Progress. It all makes complete sense now.

My T tells me that I'm at a point where I need to realize that it's time for me to attend to myself.
All these years I felt that the only way I could feel "complete" was by attending to other's, thus indirectly fulfilling my needs, as well.
Sure, helping others always provided me a good feeling, but when the time came for me to face myself..my own REAL needs, I would run from myself through creating MORE preoccupation through others, while telling myself that this is what I'm needing.

She says that I carry far too much guilt for even thinking that I deserve to attend to myself. It's because of my inner child of 3 who was abandoned and taught not to trust adults that causes me to run from my own adult self.

She mentions that as soon as I can connect with my inner child and teach her that my adult self can be trusted, then all should fall into play.
But to do this, I need to begin to attend to my own needs as primary and to NOT feel guilt for that.

This is where I'm sorta stumped..
Do I really have the right to put my needs as precedence to all other's?
It seems like such a selfish thing to do.
"I'm sorry, but I can't deal with you right now. I'm in my own crisis and I cannot allow myself to be distracted".....? Gawd..that sounds so selfish.
And what happens when I do use this reply to those who request my attendance and they don't like it? Or, that it results in creating some serious problems?...What then?
I attempt to make compromise (without sacrifice), but to no avail? I mean...at what cost must be paid to obtain what I truly seek.
The thing, too, is that I know my T is right. I feel it. I know that I'm on the right track now, but that track is now conflicting with some other paths I've already committed to. Now what?

I really AM at a point where....it's much like I have no choice but to choose between me or another because I've proven for years that I can't do both. And I'M the one getting the last, if at all any, of my own attendance.
It seems that those who are not accustom to this new attitude of mine is having some serious issues with it. And (it seems) I'm being forced into a position of the ultimatum...(I so dislike ultimatums..they always backfire on those resorting to them).

Hmmmm....
What yall think?

Shangrala

[perpetuallysad]

I understand disliking ultimatums. I was trying to figure out a way you could do this without saying either or, but I cannot. I do think you deserve to take care of you. You've done your kid raising and all that, take time for yourself. I think that a reasonable person would have to see that you deserve to spend some time where you just focus on you. Maybe you could let them know that it's not forever, but right now you need to spend time dealing with yourself for a while.

I'm proud of you.

My T tells me that I'm at a point where I need to realize that it's time for me to attend to myself.

In my view, all the progress you have made in therapy will be of no avail if you are going to feel guilty for attending to yourself. Talk to your therapist about your concerns. Ask for advice on saying no.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/str...9/METHOD=print
http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Being-a-People-Pleaser
http://psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/boundaries

Be well.

[sunrise]

I understand about not wanting to be too harsh and set ultimatums. Maybe you can carve out your "me time" in a gentler way. One thing my therapist has suggested to me (but I haven't done) is to actually schedule "me time" on my calendar. He said to put it there before everything else and to schedule other things around it. So maybe I schedule Thursday and Friday nights for me, and then someone "needs" me that night. I am just supposed to tell them no, I'm busy that night (unless of course this person is having a dire emergency or I decide would like to spend my "me time" with this person). I feel kind of silly doing this, so I haven't, and I too am used to putting others first. But it seems like a good system. And telling the person no you have another engagement that night isn't too harsh, and you end up getting time to yourself (or to go out with others--whatever it is you want to do on your time). Recently I went back to school so I have to spend a lot of time studying in the evenings. It's hard to get my daughter to understand that I need some time like that, as she is used to being a #1 priority for me, but she is adjusting.

It sounds like you have accomplished so much already in therapy in just 9 weeks. Keep going!

[Rhiannonsmoon]

Yes Shangrala, you DO have the right

Rhiannon

[(JD)]

I agree, you do have the right, and in fact maybe even the responsibility to be the adult and make adult choices. Maybe you can talk to your inner child and explain that once you feel better, you'll have more time for her and her needs and things will be better then.

[eskielover]

I know when I need to give myself time, I don't tell the other people what I am doing or give them details that I am not doing something for them because I need to take time for myself. I will just say something like "I'm not feeling well & need time to feel better" or "I had a bad night last night & I'm not functioning well....need some time to re-cooperate".

Another one I use is that "something came up that requires my attention & I can't be available like I thought I could". Usually people don't force you into any details but you can. I have found that this gives me the time I need for myself & keeps others from being offended. Most of the time it works like a charm.

Your T is right....sounds like you have finally you found a T that is really helping you see life in the right direction.....best wishes

[Melbadaze]

Originally Posted by eskielover

I know when I need to give myself time, I don't tell the other people what I am doing or give them details that I am not doing something for them because I need to take time for myself. I will just say something like "I'm not feeling well & need time to feel better" or "I had a bad night last night & I'm not functioning well....need some time to re-cooperate".

Spot on!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by eskielover

Another one I use is that "something came up that requires my attention & I can't be available like I thought I could".

I like that one!

[chaotic13]

Sounds to me like we are trying to learn the same lesson. What I'm finding is when I attend to myself I feel a lot better and OVERALL I am able to meet the needs of others who depend on me better. HOWEVER not everyone as adapted and likes the new me. I more true to myself I've become a lot of issues have gone away, but core issues with H have not. I keep hoping that eventually this relationship will either get on board or cease. Finding out who I really am and staying true to myself when others expect things from me has really been a hard journey, but I can also say that some truely amazing things have been found on the way.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Shangrala

Do I really have the right to put my needs as precedence to all other's? It seems like such a selfish thing to do.

You can't know anyone else's needs. There's no way you can meet other people's needs, that's their job. Your only job is you. You have a need to know who you are and express that person to the rest of the world so it can "use" you in the grand scheme of things. No one else can show you to the world, what you have to offer, except you. There's nothing selfish there.