Oh wow.

Today, I feel like I've slipped back into just "surviving"

A bunch of stuff kind of came together at once. I've been really struggling with sleep lately - I don't know why it's back, but when I lay down in bed, all of these horrible flashbacks start. Why? WHY? Ugh. So, I have to fight them off and it's hard and makes me sad. I've been staying up REALLLLLY late hoping that I'll just go to bed and pass out, but I still lay there with the flashbacks. And in the morning, I have to get up with my kids, no matter how late I'm up, so I've only been getting a few hours of sleep a night for a while. Today, I just feel physically and emotionally exhausted.

I realized some things about H and my life this weekend that made me REALLY sad. Things I can't "fix", and that I just have to live with. I basically feel like I've set myself up for a life of never really feeling loved.

Today is my youngest son's birthday. My mom was supposed to take us out for dinner - it was what he was REALLY looking forward to about today - and this morning she dropped off his present and her credit card without even saying "hi" to him. She said she has the "flu" and can't go to dinner tonight, but I know from experience that she's either hung over, or, more likely, doesn't want to wait until dinner time to start drinking. He's LITTLE and he was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad and I feel awful for him.

My birthdays just sucked - SUCKED - growing up. They were the saddest day of the year for me, so my kids' birthdays are a huge deal. I always want them to know how loved and special they are. Their birthdays are my three favorite days of the year, because I love them SO much. Having my mom do that to my son on his birthday is extremely triggering and upsetting for me, and I obviously can't show that to the kids, and it feels hard and WAY too familiar to be feeling one way and acting (so strongly) the opposite.

I feel like a human shield, protecting my kids from my mom and from my H's moods. I feel like I have to absorb it all so it doesn't get to them. I think all of this combined with the flashbacks/lack of sleep is pushing me a little over the edge.

I had T this morning and was crying before I even got there. I cried, cried, cried, told him everything that's going on and how I'm feeling and he listened. It felt awful, and I still feel awful, but I guess it was good to not have to pretend for a little while. He didn't try to fix it (how can he?) and he said it just sucks. Because right now it does.

At the end he sat with me and held my hand and said that sometimes we just need someone to sit with us in the "suck". We didn't talk. We just sat and I breathed and let myself feel soft and quiet and open. It was a relief to have those breaths. To rest before I had to get all strong and cheery and head back out into the world.

T is leaving now, so I won't see him for 8 days.

Today is hard.

[googley]

(((((((((Tree))))))) ((((((((((Tree's son))))))))

You are dealing with so much right now. I know from past experience that lack of sleep can make everything worse. I am so sorry that your mom was not able to come through for you and your son. I know that you will still make his birthday special even though your mom isn't there.

I'm so sorry that you feel you always have to be a shield protecting your sons. Can you talk about that with H? Can you suggest that he might want to get some help (if you think that would help)?

I'm glad that you and T were able to sit there and be together. I'm sorry that he is going away. Especially when you are having so much stress right now.

Please make sure to take care of yourself while you are taking care of others. Without taking care of ourselves we have no way to take care of the others we love.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by googley

(((((((((Tree))))))) ((((((((((Tree's son))))))))

wow, that says it for me too. I am so sorry, Treehouse.

How lucky your little boy is that he has you! will it cheer you any, knowing that he will never have the mother memories that you have, and suffer from so much? On the contrary, he will have memories of feeling loved and very special. I love you, Tree

[Melbadaze]

I think the trick is to enjoy your sons birthday regardless.

[pachyderm]

I agree with SAWE: you are doing a great job, tree. You have stopped transmitting the dysfunction in one generation. I don't know how you could do more. (((((treehouse)))))

[purple_fins]

I wrote this about an hour ago and then tried to post it and it logged me out... so.... I had to log back in and in the meantime... you've gotten more replies after "googley's"...
anyway... this is my post from a while ago....

Gee, you've done the same as me!
-- shield my kids from my mother AND
my H's moods.
ugh.... so tiring, I can sure understand.

I think something you should feel proud of is that your kids don't know the bad feelings to the extent that you had as a child-- and you did that for them.
that is certainly something to feel good about within yourself.

You showed the universe that even if you didn't get it-- you made sure your kids did. That is HUGE in my book.

best to you

fins

[mixedup_emotions]

I am echoing what everyone else has said here, Tree.....I know it sucks, and there's nothing to help take away that suckiness...Your kids are very lucky to have you. And I'll take a little of that and put it in my pocket too, because I know that I am compensating for a lot with my daughter - by treating her with the love and affection that I didn't get as a child....and with my daughter now having divorced parents and realizing how awful things were in our house pre-divorce....blech....a lot of guilt and sadness there...I can't control the things my ex says or does, which is painful at times - but I can show my little girl how much I love her...and that speaks volumes. I know it would've spoken volumes to me if I got that when I was a kid....

[seventyeight]

(((treehouse))) maybe this is hitting you harder, because you're feeling a little less supported with your therapist is gone? he's as with you as ever, and he'll be back soon to help you out with all of this - just like he did today..

(((((((((((PC))))))))))))

My son ended up having a really nice birthday ("the best day ever" ).

T left me a message and told me he will "take me with him" where he's going, that he knows I will come up more than a few times in his thoughts. He said that everything felt so authentic today, that I was able to sit and let myself feel the pain and cry the tears, and that whenever there is that authenticity, there is forward movement. I hope so.

It's nighttime and that's scary for me I just need to get out of this flashback spiral I'm in so I can get some rest, and then maybe I can handle everything else a little better. Maybe I will try sleeping on the couch - the bed is so triggering right now.

[BlackCanary]

I'm so glad the birthday turned out great for your little guy! woo hoo! (no boy with cake icon??)

One method that worked for me (esp. since I didn't realize WHY I was doing it) was to watch TV in my recliner until I fell asleep. The TV kept my brain "occupied" so it could not think of the things that were making me anxious. It was a short-term solution; I did not get a good night's sleep so I was still cranky and anxious the next day.
Now I purposely use relaxing music to fall asleep in my bed. It's good to wake up in my bed, safe and ready for a new day.

[zooropa]

(((((((tree)))))))
I think it's ok to sometimes revert to earlier stages of recovery. It's not always a linear progression, you know?

I am once again touched by the bond you have with your T. I know it's hard that he's leaving again, but 8 days isn't too long. You can do it.

[sunrise]

(((((((treehouse))))))) I'm so glad your son had such a nice birthday after all. You are a great mom, tree. Your session with T sounds like exactly what you needed.

I think continued lack of sleep is a recipe for depression. (I have been there too and worked hard with my first T to reclaim sleep for myself. I couldn't get out of depression until I got more sleep. I need to be on guard for this happening again, as it does rear its head from time to time.) We need to be respectful of our body's needs, and sleep is paramount. I hope you can find a way to get more sleep....

[chaotic13]

Treehouse your a great mom. Maybe before bed tonight you can close your eyes and recall with as much detail how great your kids are and how great it is for you to be there for them.

I totally agree that loss of sleep is a major factor in my ability to manage and function. It is one of my early warning signs that I'm starting to loose balance.

Often my sleep gets disrupted when H is struggling and not sleeping well. Then we both are stressed which is NOT good. When I am plagued with nightmares and in my case attack dreams...I try to take extra time before bed to lie on my living room floor and meditate before heading off to bed. This way I can replace the mental noise with a positive mantra or visual image and relax my body. If I am so stress that meditation isn't possible I open the Book to a random place and just start reading. For me this often settles me a bit so I can meditate then try and sleep. I know others use a warm bath or some other pre sleep rituals.

Thanks for the wise words about sleep. I do think that not sleeping is a warning sign for me. I can barely keep my eyes open right now, so I'm heading up to bed.

I think I will ask T to leave a message before he leaves that I can listen to before I go to sleep. I don't even know if that's the "right" thing to do, but I feel a little desperate.

[zooropa]

(((((tree)))))
I am caught up in a bad sleep cycle right now too. I know how it just makes everything harder. I also know what it's like to keep yourself awake because you know when you go to bed the flashbacks and nightmares will come.

I wish I could fix that for you. I hope you have a long, peaceful sleep tonight. You deserve it.

[mobius]

Originally Posted by treehouse

Thanks for the wise words about sleep. I do think that not sleeping is a warning sign for me. I can barely keep my eyes open right now, so I'm heading up to bed.

I think I will ask T to leave a message before he leaves that I can listen to before I go to sleep. I don't even know if that's the "right" thing to do, but I feel a little desperate.

Sweet dreams, tree. Hope you get some good, restful sleep tonight.

I'd trust your instincts about wanting to ask your therapist to leave you a message before he leaves. You seem to be pretty on with these things

I hope the desperate feelings are replaced by (or at least nudged to the side by) your therapist's kind and caring words, and the connection you have built with him over time.

Hi

Thanks, you guys, for saying I'm a good mom. That means a LOT to me, and is a huge, huge deal, because THE most important thing to me, and the reason I go to therapy, is so that my kids can grow up differently than I did.

I did call T and ask for the message, by the way. I hope it helps me get some rest.