[mixedup_emotions]

My session with T is just over 25 hours away, so I have an hour to cancel without getting charged the full session price (copay plus insurance reimbursement)....

I just feel so...icky....I hate feeling so exposed and vulnerable...and not knowing what it all means....

And when T wrote, "I have a very strong sense about how you feel towards me right now"....well, that scares me. Because I don't know how I feel towards him - it's all mixed up - and I don't know what he senses about how I feel....and I just don't like not knowing....and being afraid of whatever comes of it.

And I leave for vacation tomorrow night for 10 days....which I'm not really looking forward to...but then again, am looking forward to...I don't know.

So, my options are to cancel my session...but that would leave me having to wait a couple weeks to face this....or, see T and have the possibility that I will leave there feeling better (or just as possible, feeling worse)...

I hate that I care so much, that everything involved in therapy is a tug at my heartstrings - and on every emotion out there - without making any sense whatsoever.

T has said to me on a number of occasions that I have lived a long time being detached from my feelings.....I liked it better when I was living under a rock, without being in touch with my feelings. It was safer, less painful, familiar....perhaps not rewarding...but at least it was predictable.

Am I making any sense here? ACK.

[seventyeight]

oh mue, you should totally go! i know the thought of going is overwhelming, but just think of how you'll feel (maybe not today, but tomorrow morning) if you don't go..

[Oceanwave]

MUE, go to session. You know you want to go.

[JustWannaDisappear]

Please don't cancel, I think you will regret it.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

oh mue, you should totally go! i know the thought of going is overwhelming, but just think of how you'll feel (maybe not today, but tomorrow morning) if you don't go..

Thanks, 78.....I used to think that I would feel awful by canceling my session with T....but this time, I'm not so sure.....

I have 10 minutes....ACK.

Although, here's the strange thing....I would rather cancel within the 24 hour period and pay him the full session cost - so that I know that he wouldn't be out any money by my canceling.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

MUE, go to session. You know you want to go.

Why would you think that?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by JustWannaDisappear

Please don't cancel, I think you will regret it.

Thanks....

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

Why would you think that?

A feeling I got from reading your post. It shows that you are more inclined to go, if you read it carefully. That's what I think. Good luck.

[zooropa]

I know how you're feeling, MUE. I can see why you'd be tempted to cancel so that you can go on vacation without possibly feeling worse. I do think you would regret it if you don't go, though. Can you go in there tomorrow and tell T you are worried about feeling worse going into the break?
let us know what you decide...

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

A feeling I got from reading your post. It shows that you are more inclined to go, if you read it carefully. That's what I think. Good luck.

Hmm, that's interesting. I'm always curious to know how I'm being perceived, as it's feedback that could help me with some of my own blind spots. So, thanks!

Although, I'm really wishing that this decision didn't even need to be made. I would feel so much better if I could just not see T....instead of having the fear of facing him....But then again, getting it out of the way, would be something worthwhile - of course, if I feel awful afterwards, I'll wish I hadn't gone....See how indecisive I am?

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I know how you're feeling, MUE. I can see why you'd be tempted to cancel so that you can go on vacation without possibly feeling worse. I do think you would regret it if you don't go, though. Can you go in there tomorrow and tell T you are worried about feeling worse going into the break?
let us know what you decide...

Thanks for understanding my gibberish.

And thanks for the suggestion. I'm sure he'll want to delve into why I'm worried....and that worries me.... .........

[beingme]

Interesting... I got the impression that you didn't want to go.. Perception is complicated huh?
I'm new to all this, but have been seeing my therapist for about 9 months now. I always come out drained, and it's hard, but going there is like oxygen. I don't know that I would feel comfortable feeling so worried about going there.. For me trust and safety is so important.