[rainbow8]

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/unplugged/2010/08/a-love-affair-with-your-therapist/

Peaches sent me this and I liked it. I sent it to my T and she liked it too. She even told me we could do the "bear" idea if I want.

Comments?

[zooropa]

wow. That felt like she was talking right to me. It also made my stomach hurt, I don't know why. Thanks for sharing that, rainbow.

[doogie]

LOVE the bear idea, but don't know that I'd be brave enough to bring it up. Thanks for sharing.

[sunrise]

Rainbow, I liked the article. It seems to describe really well the same thing that some posters on PC have described for themselves. It helps me understand better. Even though I did not have a nurturing relationship with my mother, I don't find much of myself in that article. That lack affected me differently, I guess. Yet I have found great healing in therapy, but it's pretty different for me than what is described here. There are many ways the T relationship can help us.... A few parts of the article that interested me (underlinings mine):

Sometimes, women who did not connect, attach and receive the right sort of emotional nurturing and sustenance from their mothers as infants and children need to have a non-physical “love affair” with their therapist in order to feel experientially the unconditional love of another who represents a mother-figure.

It was interesting to me that the author specifically directed her comments to women. How about men? If they don't have the right relationship with their mother, how might that manifest? Or will some men want the same thing from their therapist that the author describes?

Therapy-love is not taught in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or Interpersonal Therapy, but for some emotionally-deprived clients who are unconsciously looking for “mother-love” this “love-affair” is what is longed for. It is something that is yearned for that is so initially unidentifiable and is incredibly sad-making. It is internal rather than external. A good therapist will explore the possibilities of just what this unidentifiable yearning is.

It was interesting that she said "therapy love" was not taught in CBT or IT. Does she mean that they aren't taught that it exists? Or aren't taught how to deal with it if a client needs it? How would Ts of these orientations deal with it if a client comes in with this issue? Would they ignore it? Say it is outside of their scope of practice and give a referral? Recast it as something else?--"you don't need nurturing in therapy, you need to think about this differently, and it will no longer be an issue for you." Also, she says that a "good therapist" will explore this yearning with the client. Does that include the CBT and IT therapists? Are they able to explore it even though they haven't learned about it in their training? If they don't explore it, are they not good therapists?

Ironically enough this mutual merging was the process that helped me separate from family members, friends and co-workers. It lead from clingy dependence to assertive independence and created much needed healthy boundaries. It was an awful lot of personal work but it was worth it.

My therapist allowed me to merge with her for the length of time I needed and when I was ready, helped me establish a sense of who I was and how important I was in the world.

This description seems to match with what some of our members have described in therapies that were successful for them.

The author describes specifically female clients and getting the mother-daughter relationship they never had from their T. Her own T was female. Can a person with this need get this from a male T?

I thought the thing she described with the two teddy bears was really sweet. Rainbow, that's really cool your T said she would do the bears with you if you wanted.

[WikidPissah]

sorry...it kind of creeps me out a bit! I don't want to be that close to anyone! But I am very glad it helps others!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by sunrise

It was interesting that she said "therapy love" was not taught in CBT or IT. Does she mean that they aren't taught that it exists? Or aren't taught how to deal with it if a client needs it? How would Ts of these orientations deal with it if a client comes in with this issue? Would they ignore it? Say it is outside of their scope of practice and give a referral? Recast it as something else?--"you don't need nurturing in therapy, you need to think about this differently, and it will no longer be an issue for you." Also, she says that a "good therapist" will explore this yearning with the client. Does that include the CBT and IT therapists? Are they able to explore it even though they haven't learned about it in their training? If they don't explore it, are they not good therapists?

Wow Sunny what a lot of questions!
My T says she is basically CBT but in fact she uses a lot of other "techniques" as she sees the need (I recoil from the idea of "nurture" for myself but she has definitely brought it up, I have a feeling I will hear more about that in future).

Maybe the key is that a "good therapist" is open to the ideas of more than one "orientation" to better match the endless variety of clients. Your own T I believe you have said in the past is somewhat experimental, maybe to a surprising degree at times and he sounds like a keeper. just my thoughts

[zooropa]

My T is definitely CBT but uses other stuff too, sometimes. I think. I know her basis is CBT, though. And yet I do see a lot of the kind of nurturing that the article talked about. It is not something that we have ever talked about. My T really, really doesn't seem to want to spend time talking about our relationship or anything going on between us. So, no, we've never talked about my unfulfilled needs and the way she is meeting them now. But she does it. I'm sure it's not by accident.

[geez]

rainbow thank you so much for posting this article. I too felt like this article was speaking to me. I have that inner desire, longing etc.. of needing to connect with another woman in a mother/daughter/sister type bond. I have two brothers and no other women in my life that I had that type of close bond/connection with. I am a mom with two boys no daughters. I do however feel that need being met to a degree just being in the presence of my T. I hope to someday have that feeling for myself and that sense of longing will hopefully go away.