[jexa]

Thanks so much to those of you who are supporting me so much right now. I just.. I'm really grateful.

I saw my T today. It actually wasn't a good session and we got nowhere. She seemed to be floundering, trying one avenue after another and then halting and trying another idea without even knowing what to do. I've never seen her falter before, and it kind of makes me anxious to think she doesn't know what to do with me. But you know, I'm not even sure about everything we talked about. My memory of the session is so weird. In and out.

I know I told her the absolute truth about what's going on with no filter whatsoever. She saw depressed and self-destructive jexa in full glory today, for sure. She said I am like "night and day." Yeah I guess that's how I feel too. I think T is scared and that is why she is faltering. She didn't expect this from me, I don't think. I haven't felt this bad since I was a teen.

Anyway even though T wasn't on her game tonight, I feel kind of okay now. Depressed, but okay. I didn't even feel the urge to SI when I got home, which is very weird because my urges have been getting worse and tonight I'm even going to bed without it. What made that happen? Was it T seeing my pain, so I didn't need to validate it? I don't know. I can't guarantee anything but I'm starting to feel this tiny little part of me that wants to pull out of this. Maybe.

[googley]

(((((((Jexa)))))))))

I'm so glad that you went to see your T and told her everything. I'm glad that you aren't having the urge to cut tonight. Keep taking care of yourself.

[sanityseeker]

(((((jexa)))))) Sleep well. Thanks for the update. You should be very proud of yourself. I think you nailed it when you talked about the difference it made for you to have your pain validated by your T so you didn't have to validate it to yourself. Its a thought provoking reality isn't it?

Wishing you only wellness and a beginning to a journey to freedom from a harmful coping mechanism.

[Sannah]

I think that you feel better because you were very open with your T. Great Work!! I'm glad that you are starting to feel a little better.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

What made that happen? Was it T seeing my pain, so I didn't need to validate it?

I think you're on to something there, jexa! You're sounding like someone who successfully communicated something -- even if you're not 100% sure yet what to call it.

[WePow]

Sometimes a person heals by being heard.

It is very good that you were brave enough to let down your guard and show T your wounds. That took courage.

[jexa]

Okay I'm starting to think I really do want to stop and maybe even throw away the blades. I'm afraid this frame of mind is going to go away and I really wish my T could catch me when I am like this so I can really get her help in what to DO. I don't know that I have the courage to actually throw them away when it's right in front of me. I don't know that I have the courage to take care of myself. But I'm really scared of the places in my mind I've been going. I want this to stop but I am just terrified that what will come up will be worse. Right now I feel like myself but I can feel the pain and the out of control feeling seeping in the edges of my mind. I know that I HAVE to change the direction of this path because the way it is leading is down, down, down. I don't know how to turn around though.

I am so. so. so. scared.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by jexa

Anyway even though T wasn't on her game tonight, I feel kind of okay now. Depressed, but okay. I didn't even feel the urge to SI when I got home, which is very weird because my urges have been getting worse and tonight I'm even going to bed without it. What made that happen?

Getting the real stuff out in the open seems to be the way to heal. Sunlight and all that.

[zooropa]

((((((jexa))))))
thank you for posting, I was wondering how your session went. I'm sorry it wasn't better, but I'm so proud of you for being really open and honest with your T. That is a step on the path toward healing, Jexa.

[BlackCanary]

Congrats on being TOTALLY HONEST. T accepted it, didn't judge.
And you are reaching a point where you do not want to live with that internal chaos, so you talked about it. And you are figuring out WHY that chaos has been there, and WHAT will help it be less chaotic.

If you don't yet want to toss the blade, then put it in an envelope and seal it. Then put it in box and tape it shut

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

Okay I'm starting to think I really do want to stop and maybe even throw away the blades. I'm afraid this frame of mind is going to go away...

I know what you mean, jexa. That frame of mind isn't actually going anywhere. You're shifting in and out of it and when you're somewhere else, most likely that one doesn't seem real to you. I imagine you don't experience having much say right now in when/where you're going to shift. Appearances are deceiving, though.

Right now I feel like myself...

And (fwiw) you sound like yourself to me.

I know that I HAVE to change the direction of this path because the way it is leading is down, down, down. I don't know how to turn around though.

----- Pardon my Sanskrit -----

I say the trick isn't to change the direction of that path but to create an entirely different path, in a different universe if you like; put yourself on it; and realize that it's your path, the other one isn't, and you don't have to revisit the other one except when you choose to. From one frame of mind, that's obviously impossible. From another, it's as natural as breathing (and you're already doing both).

----- /Sanskrit -----

I don't know if that coincides at all with ACT but I wouldn't be too surprised.

[jexa]

So today I gave my good friend S my blades. So there's that. So tonight is a teeth-grinding night. I can see the wounds healing and I hate it. But this has served its purpose, and I'll have 40 scars to show for it.

So strange how lately I WANT things to be terrible and awful. I WANT things to get worse and worse and worse until I completely unravel so everyone can see that I'm not the happy, bubbly person everyone thinks I am. I want to just implode into myself so that finally everything crashes and burns around me just like I always knew it would.

FZ maybe you are right that it's time for a different path altogether. At moments like these I am tempted by the darker paths, the Sylvia Plath, the martyr. Anyway, what kind of journey am I after?

[zooropa]

Jexa, I'm so glad to hear you gave your blades away. That is an important first step towards healing, physically and emotionally.

god, I can so relate to that feeling of wanting to self-destruct so everything just totally falls apart just like I always knew it would. I know that feeling so deep down. I wish I had the answer or the right thing to say. I know for me it's partly about the chaos being my comfort zone. No matter how much I hate it and how miserable I am, it is what I know and the unknown is so much scarier than these same old demons I've been face to face with so many times before.

anyway, I think your question of what kind of a journey am I after is a good one and something to really think about.

[googley]

(((((((((Jexa))))))))

I'm so glad you gave your friend your blades. It is so hard when we need to have someone else see how awful we feel. I hope that telling your T how you are feeling helps. I hope you continue to be honest with her about what is going on. About your feelings and what is happening with you. I hope that she is able to provide you the help you need and you have a better session this week. You deserve so much support in this hard time.

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

So strange how lately I WANT things to be terrible and awful. I WANT things to get worse and worse and worse until I completely unravel so everyone can see that I'm not the happy, bubbly person everyone thinks I am. I want to just implode into myself so that finally everything crashes and burns around me just like I always knew it would.

And here you are, sharing with us about it instead.

[pachyderm]

(((((jexa)))))

[jexa]

Oh gosh thanks so much for the support guys. Yeah FZ, isn't that interesting. I'm coming here to talk about that feeling, and I am not currently imploding. I want to put my hands over my ears but quietly a voice whispers, "You ARE using healthy coping, sometimes."

Just don't tell me that. I'll lose the motivation, at the wrong moment.

I don't have blades but I've been scratching at my cuts. It doesn't leave as much damage as a blade so I guess that's an improvement. Maybe I need to cut my fingernails, too, to take away another weapon. Blah.

In a recent lucid moment, I thought it might calm me down to know RIGHT NOW who I'm going to be seeing when T leaves. If I met her right now, maybe it would be easier to transition. Maybe the T that works in the same office as my T will be good. And then I could beg T to please, please, please, tell this other T about me, not just write a report. If she could please, please have a conversation with the other person about me and explain why I'm freaking out so I don't have to, and not LET me hide and pretend for the other T... maybe then I would KNOW that the work would get done and I couldn't hide from it.

OH.

OH. I GET IT.

I'm scared the work will NEVER, EVER, EVER get done and that NO ONE is safe and trustworthy and NO ONE will stick around for it.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I think I am scared that the REAL reason T is leaving because she is scared of the work, that REALLY she is telling me to BE QUIET. Even though that is not true, that is (lightbulb) what is behind ALL of this. I seriously just realized that.

Okay so what now though.

[googley]

Originally Posted by jexa

In a recent lucid moment, I thought it might calm me down to know RIGHT NOW who I'm going to be seeing when T leaves. If I met her right now, maybe it would be easier to transition. Maybe the T that works in the same office as my T will be good. And then I could beg T to please, please, please, tell this other T about me, not just write a report. If she could please, please have a conversation with the other person about me and explain why I'm freaking out so I don't have to, and not LET me hide and pretend for the other T... maybe then I would KNOW that the work would get done and I couldn't hide from it.

I think it is an awesome idea to find the T you will see now. It will give you a chance to check out more than one before your T leaves. And you maybe able to have some sessions with your new T before your current T leaves. I also think that your T would be willing to have a conversation with your new T and not just write a report. It seems like she cares so much.

Originally Posted by jexa

OH. I GET IT.

I'm scared the work will NEVER, EVER, EVER get done and that NO ONE is safe and trustworthy and NO ONE will stick around for it.

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I think I am scared that the REAL reason T is leaving because she is scared of the work, that REALLY she is telling me to BE QUIET. Even though that is not true, that is (lightbulb) what is behind ALL of this. I seriously just realized that.

Okay so what now though.

I think you should tell your T this. This is such a good insight. Can you write more about it, here or in a journal?

[FooZe]

Originally Posted by jexa

Just don't tell me that. I'll lose the motivation, at the wrong moment.

Mum's the word!

((((((((((jexa))))))))))

[Oceanwave]

Jexa, it might help you to have a transition period when you can see your new T as well as the old, and talk to the old T about how things are with the new T. And do this until you have found the right new T and are comfortable with them. Would this help, what do you think, and if so, can you ask for your T to arrange for it? Firstly, it would be a good idea to ask what the protocol tends to be regarding the handover - this might be what was going to happen anyway. Also you might want to emphasise to your T how important it is for you that information about you is handed over properly and in detail, etc. (although this could be what she was planning to do anyway - please do ask). These are perfectly legitimate anxieties and you have every right to ask for a smooth transition, the way you want it to be. It's best to think through how you'd like this to happen and be very open with her about your requests.

Take care,
Oceanwave

[jexa]

Thanks guys. I have been obsessively looking at the website of the other T who works in my T's office. She looks nice but I don't know. Oh my gosh I'm really really scared of a new T. Maybe I could meet her with my T? Maybe we could work that out? It's just that the other T has different training and I don't know if she does ACT and I want her to do ACT and.. I don't want someone new. I'm scared. I'm really scared. All of this is hitting me like a freight train.. maybe the SI was keeping me from this feeling. I don't want someone new. It makes me feel sick.

[mightaswelllive]

Originally Posted by jexa

So today I gave my good friend S my blades.

woot!

[jexa]

Thanks MAWL

I am trying to decide if I want to call T or not. I kind of want to call her to ask about the other T. But then I'm sure I will feel guilty for bothering her. You guys always say go ahead and call your T but I feel like she really doesn't like it and has avoided allowing me much between-session contact. I have already sent her two (very short) emails since our session on Monday and I feel like a phone call is asking for too much. But you know, I'd seriously pay her just to have this conversation with me NOW so I have that.. foundation. The "I'm doing something about this" feeling. Right now nothing is in the works and I'm afraid of losing this momentum. Oh what to do.

[sanityseeker]

How about you send her another email with some of the stuff you shared with us about your fears of losing this T and starting work with a new T and maybe ask her to call you? Would that be an option? Do what is best for you. Let the T take care of herself. Don't presume how she will take it if you do call her. Do what is best for you.

Hi Jexa,

In case the other therapist in the office does not do ACT, I am sure your T knows other Ts who might be good options for you...Ts ALWAYS know other Ts, they have like their own T network! Just don't feel too pressured to work the new T into the old T mold, although there is something to be said for the familiarity of the surroundings, of course.

And if you need your T, call her, for sure...you are on a very important path now and I am sure she wants to be right there with you on it.