[Melbadaze]

Had a break from here for a while...alongside T's Summer break, haven't seen her since august 10, see her again this coming Monday!. She dropped me a postcard toward the end of the first week of the break, but I was still in coping mode...I had some family issues crop up and so badly wanted to email her and sat and typed the email but then the tears came and that was enought, I just deleted the email to her and felt much better..I was torn between sending her the email anyways as I hate to disturb her with my issues during her downtime..then Last week I just emailed her saying "Ok you can come back now, my ability to stand it is running out of steam fast". She replied saying sorry it feels endless and never ending and that she is still there and would see me soon, then yesterday another card arrived from her saying "this is just to say hello and hope your ok and surviving", that was like a candle in the dark, I felt my whole body relax and felt like finally a attentive mother coming to rescue me from my distress, I felt the memory of that happening burrowing itself down snuggly into my Psyche.

I can't wait to see her next week, but also cant wait to get back to the work, I have been trying to journal about these odd feeling this summers long break has brought about, its been different but not sure just how, I mean I always hurt and miss T during the summer breaks, but theres been something else as well, I think, but not 100% sure, I think I've not disengaged from her this time as much, not dissociated the pain away as much, not gone into fantasy mode, I've actually held onto how we left our work, normally I dissociate the reality away, find myself searching on line for my birth mother, but that hasn't happened, its remained T that is away and T that I am missing, its remained more real, I've remained fully aware...I've felt like something else has been missing too, and couldn't pin-point exactly what that was and I think it is the ability to numb out, ...I haven't been able to comfort myself with stories, unconscious or conscious, its remained very real!...and amongst all of this was a person hurting, missing someone but able to get through it, continue to make decisions, the ability to cope along side it all and no feelings of shattering into a 1000 pieces, not able to shrug of the feelings associated with missing someone we care about..at times its made me feel niggley, made me feel restless, its felt raw...and I felt ambivalent about this, but the good side is that I have very much retained "our" real relationship and dont think theres been an ending and a beginning to have to get into again, it feels like I shall walk straight back in and continue, yes continuance has been the theme..normally I compartmentalize it, like this is the ending and now I wonder what T will return, this time I know the same T will return, dont feel I have to work on learning to trust again, its still there..

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, Melba! That's quite an accomplishment! I'm so glad you got those postcards from T and that you were able to relax...

[granite1]

wow that is awsome melba.glad you are going to see your T soon and it is great to hear from you