[tears_of_a_clown]

Trying to sort out some issues by getting some others' opinions.

What makes you feel safe (or unsafe) in therapy?

[rainbow8]

I feel safe in therapy because my T keeps repeating that she's not judging me or any part of me. When I ask if I can tell her anything, she says "yes." I know any T can say that, so it's more than just the words. It's her whole attitude of acceptance about whatever I tell her. She thanks me for being honest and letting that "part" feel safe with her. She asks me to have gratitude to my "parts" too. I know that's specific to Internal Systems Therapy, but a T can say those things in different words.

I think it's about the connection between client and T that enables a person to feel safe with their T. It's something you have to feel for yourself; there isn't any specific formula to make it happen.

I have always felt safe with my t. He's trustworthy. He's honest. He's professional. He has my best interests in mind always. All qualities deserving of trust in my mind. And if I can trust a person, I can feel safe with him I guess.

[WikidPissah]

I never feel safe with anyone, not even T. But I feel less "un-safe" when he tells me "this is a neutral caring room, I am here for you". I actually like when he reminds me of that...very much.

[sittingatwatersedge]

safe:
when T recalls something from earlier & I can tell that she really does listen, does remember.
when she makes some incisive comment that I hadn't thought of
when she tells me that I have discovered something, gained some ground, or have done well. Like I said once before, no I am not here to please you T, but considering what you know, I don't mind it when I do.

unsafe:
when she compliments my intelligence (makes my radar go up, don't know why)
when the inevitable ruptures come and I feel betrayed, abandoned, unheard, invalidated, or minimized (gee dat's a long list SAWE, you must have huge trust issues).
when she asks one question too many, or probes just that much too deeply.
when I am aware that she is watching me.
when the clock runs out.

[BlackCanary]

(thanks for getting that song stuck in my head)

Unsafe - I don't like seeing other clients being dropped in the waiting room - she's not taking a break and I always worry that their stuff will seep into my session

safe - she will offer a hug when I am distressed, see if I want some water.
safe - if I call and leave a message, she will call back at her earliest break.

[Symbiosis]

Still new to T, but I will give my novice answer:

Safe-

When he said I can talk about anything I want, which was the right answer when I asked if I could talk about someone in my past.
The pauses and silence (at times, so needed!)
He has some fab vocabulary on him so there are times that he picks much better words describing my own words back to me.

Unsafe-

He's not directive and sometimes I'm begging (in my mind) for him to bring up stuff. We have an outside conflict so he surely knows what that stuff is-no mind-reading required!
I worry that he sees me as someone lesser (though this is probably my own projection)
He's not particularly reassuring and there is stuff I would like reassurance with.
I thought therapy was about being able to talk about anything (see #1 in safe list). Instead, there are clear topics that are preferred and other ones that are endured.

The only thing that REALLY made me feel safe with T was lots and lots and lots of time. I had to *experience* him being a safe person to believe he really was a safe person.

I had to take lots of little leaps of faith, and once I was still safe, take bigger ones.

One thing T did that helped me feel a little safe at the beginning was REALLY respect my personal space. He let me decide the boundaries. When I told him it freaked me out to have him behind me when I left the room, he started staying in his chair so I would feel safer. He's always been very gentle and very careful.

It's hard for me to feel safe with people, so the fact that we've built our relationship to a point where I *do* feel safe is HUGE.

[sunrise]

Things that make me feel safe:

-Over time, my T has shown that he can be trusted with whatever I share, whether it is shameful or embarrassing or doesn't cast me in a good light.
-He is very accepting if I cry (or express another emotion) and doesn't do anything to make me feel embarrassed or uncomfortable with that.
-He makes me feel like my concerns are worthwhile and normal.
-He lets me choose the topics we discuss and doesn't force me to work on things I am not ready to. He lets me choose the pace.
-If I need to change the topic, he is respectful of that and lets me.
-He never reacts with judgment to whatever I may share.
-He's very authentic, so I always know that with him, what I see is what I get. He has no ulterior motives and has my best interests at heart.
-He lets our relationship be reciprocal in some ways. If he is willing to trust me, it makes it is easier to trust him.

environmental
-He lets me choose where to sit.
-He lets me make the lights brighter or dimmer if I want.
-He lets me adjust the blinds to let more or less light in.
-He always keeps the door locked from the inside so no one can barge in from the outside and interrupt us.

[chaotic13]

Knowing thqt my T gets my need for privacy

[looking4polaris]

What makes me feel safe?
Knowing:
-that I am not judged in any way for anything I say or do
-that my confidentiality is protected 100%
-that T's boundaries are clear and for my benefit
-that T is highly trained, highly competent, and knows the best way to guide me especially when I don't

What makes me feel unsafe?
-when I call his 24 hr emergency # and get no call back
-when I give my best explanation, but we still don't connect

unsafe:
when we don't connect
when i think he is mad at me or yelling
his wife working there (answering phones)
when i see other patients

safe:
helped me more than any other t
doesn't make me look at him; no eye contact
lets me talk about what i want
says positive things about me sometimes

[gkeeper]

Safe:

• Constant (well, on-demand) reassurance that he's not tired of me yet, that he's ok with the amount of effort he perceives me exerting, that he's not even close to giving up on me
• His dog sometimes accompanies him to the office - I love those weeks
• He gets excited about stuff going on in my life that I don't expect. For example, a couple weeks ago, he wanted to take a field trip to the parking lot to see my new car. It makes me feel like he really does view me as a person and not just a faceless client.
• He once trusted me with a book of his even though he needed it the next day
• He always seems happy to see me
• He doesn't seem to mind going over and over the same topic and reassures me that he still has energy to put towards though things when I Start to worry that he doesn't.
• His pre-session routine. It's always the same. Get a drink, light the candles, etc.
• He'll remember things that I either don't consider important enough to remember or that we talked about so long ago that if he had forgotten them, I'd definitely understand. He's not perfect about this, and sometimes forgets stuff that seemed big to me, but those times are outweighed by the times he surprises me by remembering something.
• His voice. There are only a very few people in my life that possess a voice that can cut through all the static and noise in my head when it's important. He's one of them.
• Sometimes he switches into dad mode. At 34 I'm embarassed to say that the sessions in which he calls me kiddo are my favorites (doubley so if the dog's there too) and the ones that include mini-lectures.
• He's told me a couple times that he's good at his job. Is he better at his job than I am at what I do, I don't know, but I need someone to model that kind of self-confidence for me, regardless.

Unsafe:

• He works out of town a couple weeks a month. It's challenging for me to not obsess over his safety while he's traveling.
• His office is across the street from a fire department. Sirens and I don't get along all that well.
• I'm not sure that a session that has ended with "we'll talk about that more next time" has ever been followed by a session when we've actually talked about whatever that was.

[cocoa58]

Well, at first my current T did make me feel safe. We had a couple sessions with building trust because that's rough for me.

But after my last session, I feel my T minimized some really important issues for me - so not feeling good or safe about the T right now - not one bit.

Unsafe - when my feelings or how I report something is minimized. I don't lie - and I almost felt my T didn't believe what I said.

I will try and deal with this in my next session - then we'll see how "safe" or "unsafe" I feel with my T.

[granite1]

wow i have huge issues about feeling safe in T lets see if i can do this

safe
after a year of not talking t still hasnt given up(this is huge)i really dont talk at all
never seen anyone work so hard to help me
quiet safe office
T is willing to try new things
T has never hurt me at all
T is a very strong person(can handle my crap)

unsafe
goes away a lot
forgets things she or i said
doesnt let me e-mail or write letters wants me to use my words and speak
can be pushey when she wants to be
can get frustrated with me at times

Safe:
T can handle anything that happens
Always available 24/7 phone & email
Encourages lots of contact between sessions
Expresses his compassion and care
Won't let me push through unsafe issues till he's sure we can
I am able to say anything w/o judgement
He has proven that he will do anything to insure safety

Unsafe:
Sometimes forgets important topics
sometimes takes more than 1 hour to call back
His age worries me

[tears_of_a_clown]

Thanks for all the insightful thoughts! You've given me a lot to think about.