[Melbadaze]

Currently reading "Learning from life", by Patrick casement, and this following exert felt so true for myself/

"Though I kept on getting away with my crime, it was not without guilt. Years later, when reading Winnicott on the antisocial tendency, I came to understand this particular experience quite differently. I had been repeating my crime with the unconscious hope that I might be caught. But as my delinquency remained undiscovered, there had been little or no reason for me to give this up. I had needed someone to notice what was going on in order to help me to stop. In the absence of discovery, I had been left with he hollow victory of repeatedly getting away with what i was doing. My deeper hope, I now realize, had not been met by the parental action that was unconsciously being looked for. I was left with a guilt that stayed with me for years.

Recenly in my own therapy I had talked about how my parents reacted to me coming home drunk as a teenager, and T said I was looking to connect with them on an emotional level, but instead they didn't see this cry for relief for help from them, and they attacked me, ever since this missed oppertunity I have in someway or other been looking for that corrective experience and trying to drag T into this and have her "rescue" me not knowing this is what I had been looking for, relief from my parents not seeing me, not caring for me, I'd just thought I was a bad child. But that reading about wanting to be caught, the relief of being stopped felt so soothing as I read it, I knew immediately that was true for me too.