[Melbadaze]

I just quit therapy...told t that I do not have the formal education or finances to handle the awareness therapy brings..I work in a store cannot afford further education....have been married too long to make any changes there. I need to be able to tolerate my life...awareness is bring pain..awareness of all the lost ippertuntiys...this is my life I need to be able to do it...so I took the cowards way out...therapy is a luxury..not for the likes of run of the mill working class people...thats it...

[pachyderm]

Pooh on you, Melbadaze. Your obvious intelligence (and true grit) far outweighs any lack of education or "class" you might feel.

Awareness does bring pain, doesn't it? It also brings a kind of satisfaction that is new and, I think, cannot be found any other way.

[ECHOES]

((((Melbadaze))) You make astounding connections and being able to articulate your awarenesses the way you do is brilliant.

At the same time, I do understand the pain that awareness can bring, the feeling of lost opportunities and, for me the realization that if I'd been in therapy at a young age (as I wanted to be), then my life might have turned out differently. However, more and more I realize also that I may not have been able to appreciate and take in the benefits of therapy at that time.

You may not, at this time, be able to afford more formal education, but you are providing yourself with a self education that affects you and ripples out to those around you.

Is this coming from a desire to be like T, I wonder?

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I just quit therapy...told t that I do not have the formal education or finances to handle the awareness therapy brings..I work in a store cannot afford further education....have been married too long to make any changes there. I need to be able to tolerate my life...awareness is bring pain..awareness of all the lost ippertuntiys...this is my life I need to be able to do it...so I took the cowards way out...therapy is a luxury..not for the likes of run of the mill working class people...thats it...

Melbadaze said, among other things: "I do not have the formal education or finances to handle the awareness therapy brings.."

Hmmm... Melbadaze, your reasoning would apply equally well to my situation, since I'm a senior and, like you, won't be able to pick up on missed opportunities. I do have formal education, but after thinking about it do not understand what formal education has to do with deciding whether or not to continue therapy. I don't think it does. As for finances, I'm certainly not in a better position than you are.

Put it all together and I really don't believe your decision to leave therapy is based on more than the usual reason: finding out the truth is scarey. And exhilarating at the same time. It's like climbing a mountain and having a better and wider and sharper view of the surrounding country with every yard of height you attain.

As for being bothered by lost opportunities, I think that's the theme song of the human race. At least the bottom 95% of the human race to which we both belong. Human life is tragic. Always has been, always will be. Born to get lost and die. I don't think facing that reality (instead of hiding from it) brings all that much pain. I think it brings one closer to other people, closer to the history of our species, and can contribute to a feeling of having reached a perceptual summit. From where it's impossible to ascend any further.

Please think about it again, Melbadaze. I think you can find a greater peace within yourself after successfully going through therapy. Take care!

[Fartraveler]

Melbadaze, what happened? You've been posting a lot about the insights and the growth you've achieved, and this post has a completely different tone to it. So -- what's going on with you?

-Far

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

therapy is a luxury

Is it? Really? Is it a luxury to have someone and something that is life saving and life sustaining? Or is it a denial of needs to call it that?

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

Melbadaze, what happened? You've been posting a lot about the insights and the growth you've achieved, and this post has a completely different tone to it. So -- what's going on with you?

-Far

I wish I had asked this. Whatever it is, you still have us!

[Abby]

I'm really surprised by this. I read your posts and you seemed to have been making some good progress. You are very insightful and although I don't always understand, i know that you were making connections that were helping. What has brought this on? You definately deserve and can handle therapy! take care.

[WikidPissah]

I have only been on pc for a short period of time, but there are two things I know, from reading your posts.
1) You are of very high intellect
2) You are certainly not a coward

So I too want to ask...What gives??

[trueFaith]

What is happening Melba? You can’t give up on your self now! This is the moment of truth. You have come so far, and this is the false self speaking. I think you are near the end of coming trough the abandonment depression and right now, the false self will do ANYTHING to stop you from continuing. Don’t listen to that voice! It is not YOUR TRUE voice talking. You have worked so hard in therapy and YOU want to finish what YOU and your T have started. And being in therapy really fits you. You have the intelligence, motivation and the ability to associate and to abstract thinking or whatever it called in English. Please, don’t give up! Promise yourself to see your T just one more month and then see what’s happening.

What brought you to therapy in the first place? I bet you had a desire to live as your true self, free from guilt, sorrow and pain, and you are on your way to reach that goal. You want that as much now as then. You can work through this pain. Sure, it hurts a lot, but you have managed therapy for 6 years now and I’m sure you will get through this too. Don’t turn your back on your inner little child. She needs you.

I’m so sorry that you have to fight this battle, but I believe in you.

My intent is not to tell you what to do. I just want to help. So take my “advice” with a grain of salt if it not fits the situation you are in.

(((((Melba)))))

[Laurie1041]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I just quit therapy...told t that I do not have the formal education or finances to handle the awareness therapy brings..I work in a store cannot afford further education....have been married too long to make any changes there. I need to be able to tolerate my life...awareness is bring pain..awareness of all the lost ippertuntiys...this is my life I need to be able to do it...so I took the cowards way out...therapy is a luxury..not for the likes of run of the mill working class people...thats it...

Hi Melba,

I hear the strong desire to get an education - that just might be where your best therapy can come from. You can go to Community College or you can attend any number of online schools and further your education. Think you can't afford it?? Think again! You may be entitled to Pell Grants, subsidized Federal loans (where the government pays the cost of your interest on a loan).

To find out what you may be entitled to in order to go back to school (nights?) fill out a free FAFSA (Free Application for Federal Student Aid).
Have your 2009 tax return with you as you answer each question on the online questionaire. No one is ever too old to have a dream and to live it. It just takes willingness to try something new. Take a chance - go to the website and just mozy around. You can do whatever you put your mind to.
Wasted opportunities are all in the past - maybe they were never meant to be? Today and the endless possibilities of making yourself a life worth living. Laurie
http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/

[alcira]

Originally Posted by Laurie1041

Think you can't afford it?? Think again! You may be entitled to Pell Grants, subsidized Federal loans (where the government pays the cost of your interest on a loan).

Laurie, I think Melba is in the UK. They might have similar programs there as well. I am not sure how the education system works there exactly.

[WePow]

(((((Melba)))))) If a person had an illness and needed medical attention, should they feel badly for going to a doctor?

Mental health is as vital as physical health. If you need a T, you deserve to be able to have that help. I do understand how those without financial means can have a hard time of obtaining needed medical attention. I hope that if that is the problem that somehow you will be able to get the help you need.

You DO have a right to mental health.
You DO deserve it.

((((((((((((((((melba))))))))))))))))

melba, you are a highly intelligent person who i also believe is a creative thinker. your descriptions of your therapy are always filled with great insight and written with intriguing metaphors. surely, you and T can come up with creative solutions to whatever is raising its ugly head right now. be gentle with yourself and if you want to share more we are hear to listen and brainstorm with you. you are not alone.

[Melbadaze]

thank you for the replies...I don't know what is going on...I keep crying....I had a dream 2 nights ago that I was so tired that I couldn't take another step...my husband was there and I wanted badly to be struck down with an illness that someone could see and realise that I was exhauated and needing to be "carried"...then I was back in a little corner shop I use to adore as a small child...my only happy experiences of being with my adoptive mother was food shoppIng...and in this dream I am an adult looking for that same feeling I remembered, but as I look for a nice turkey and lump of ham their all horrible shapes and cuts, I'm desperate to find a nice turkey, eventually a find one that I make do, but I wake up from this dream heavy with the Feeling of not being able to recreate good feeling, perhaps because there really wasn't any good feeling and I uswd food as a replacement for real love.

I then dreamt last night about a gal I use to almost stalk when I was 16, I had classic BPD behaviours toward her for a few yrS until we lost contact..

I dreamt last night that I found her and was tring to create all the feelings I use to have with her, accpet she wasn't interested in me, she really never was but I held her emotiOnally hostage and like I created with food good feeling I created it with fantasys around this gal...but in the dream I knew I had to let her go...I was at work in the dream and had just manaGed to earn extra money and was pleased with that and also alongside this having mananged to do something myself, I had tO let this gal go...I remember the feeling of letting go so clearly in my dream when I awoke this morning...I feel less irritated and angry today...more tearFul and I know I will have too see this through...the thought of being stuck in the middle of whatever is going on right now feels more scary then going to T today and trying to speak it...

Truefaith, I think it is possibly abandoment depression....feeling feelings from the past is the worse thing ever! But that tiny logical voice in my head says, well wgat can u do? The onlY way out is through...my remembering of putting of the original depression is becoming consiCious and there is no more putting ofF...I've got to fa ce what I missed...but whilst this is going on and feeling so real..the fear that the enviroment around me wilL let me down again is immense.

[pachyderm]

(((((Melba)))))

For some reason, early mornings, when I wake up and cannot remember the dreams I am sure I have been having, are the times when I seem to have reverted to childhood. Until I can partially work myself out of it, it feels quite bad.

[trueFaith]

Truefaith, I think it is possibly abandoment depression....feeling feelings from the past is the worse thing ever! But that tiny logical voice in my head says, well wgat can u do? The onlY way out is through...my remembering of putting of the original depression is becoming consiCious and there is no more putting ofF...I've got to fa ce what I missed...but whilst this is going on and feeling so real..the fear that the enviroment around me wilL let me down again is immense.

Hi Melbadaze!

I’m so happy to hear that you are feeling less irritated and angry today.

The worst thing ever…! I totally agree! It doesn’t feel good but this is really good – remembering and feeling the depression. That is the goal of therapy, and now you have reached that stage. It takes a lot of courage to do the work you are doing right know, and to come to this point. But feeling the feelings sucks, it really does. I hate the frustrations, to feel like I’m going to explode and sometimes implode. It comes like a wave, sometimes pretty calm and gentle, and sometimes it hits one like a Tsunami. At those times, my logical voice almost always flies right out of the window. Many, many glasses, remote controllers etc has been flying through my house since I started therapy. I don’t know what I would have done without my super duper understanding and wise husband. He has listened to and comforted me during this process and I honestly don’t know what I should have done without him, because so much happens outside the therapy room, so many strong feeling.

I don’t know how much you have peeled off from the famous onion. I have worked through the abandonment depression during the last two years. I have certainly much more work to do but it feels like the end is coming closer and closer. My triggers are almost gone and I’m really good with setting boundaries. I think I deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. And this is so new to me, to think I’m worthy of love and joy. All this makes it worth all the pain. It really does.

Have you read about Klein’s depressive position? I seems like you are in that stage, and it is also there where “the new beginning” starts and one feels very vulnerable. I have felt exactly the same as you, a pure horror that the environment would let me down - again. For me, this fear came because I let go of my defences. There I was, almost an empty blank screen and terrified not knowing what to expect next. But suddenly, there they where - my boundaries - a very strong urge to protect myself, and they came so easy and it felt so natural. You can protect yourself too, and the environment will not let you down this time. Your T will be there and that’s all that matters.

I hope you’ve get some rest now, a couple of day’s respite until the next wave hits the shore. Take care of your self, you are so worth it!

[Melbadaze]

The wanting to explode is spot on. I come away from T today feeling even more pain!!! I feel like I'd gone back to the begining where I accused T of not helping me with this pain today and she simply replied "no", I said is that a sacastic no? she said no I'm simply acknowledging how it feels, she said I think thats all part of it, its part of the turned up volume you have on your feelings, you cannot hear anything quite, possibly because to get any love in the past you have to turn up the volume to hear it and with that you also turn up the volume on the pain. I snatched my keys and left the session, I feel so angry I could kick every window in the whole wide world! f**king ***** therapist! arrrggghhh

[trueFaith]

Yeah, how nice wouldn’t that feel to have a baseball racket and being able to kick some windows during those times, like the Japanese who have special places where they are paying for crushing plates. A totally legal outburst supported by others - sounds very healing! A good concept that we unfortunately lacking in Europe.

Hang in there! This will pass too!