[Melbadaze]

I had a dream last night, (yes another one lol) and as I arrive at T's door, (she works from home), her 2 sons were just about to leave and I felt I should hide myself, but I sensed she didn't want this, I sensed she didn't feel I needed to hide myself, and her 2 sons passed me and that was that.

Then when I awoke I remember how each session I arrive I always feel this great discomfort until we "get going", I can never put words to what the discomfort is and have tried to tell T about it, but I realised it was such low self worth that I feel ashamed that the whole of my being feels nothing but shame and worthlessness and feel I am dirtying her "space", I do remember telling T once about an incident in infant sch when I was aged 6 and was just begining to act out because of what was happening in my home life and getting sent to the headmistress and she was on the phone motioned for me to sit whilst she talked and I sat in the comfortable chair next to her and she put the phone down and said how dare you sit in my best chair you dirty child! T said that was just a smoke screen for how you were already feeling, she just inforced how you felt, put words to it. But that minute feels renacted every time I sit in the room with T.

But as I say this morning I with that dream in my mind, I realised that feeling of shame and unworthiness is coming from me, T does not want me to to feel that way, she doesn't hold that sort of thinking about me within her, and for a split second I could feel positive about myself, and knew that my adoptive mother could never hold that good feeling about me, because we tap into the unconscious communication going on and internalize it and make it a truth. I think the dream was telling me that T doesn't think me unworthy, that her most treasured things, ie her children are safe within my presence. Its a long slog to internalise and believe new scripts, a very long slog, for those with deep traumatic wounds like myself. To rewrite what was written for so many yrs and I can understand why some do not "get" therapy, proper therapy, or try to "strip it down" because its either the feeling of therapy being "stripped down" or its a feeling that therapy will "strip them down", but its hard unless one has great trust in a therapist that has done all her own work to believe that the shame they live with can be healed, that someone will care enought about them. I see a lot of fear around therapy and I think shame and the fear or being reshamed is the core of that fear, its better to shame therapy rather than risk shaming themselves. I am glad I no longer live under that very dark cloak.

[Rapunzel]

I like your insights. I really relate to a lot of it. Healing the shame is very hard work, and it sounds like you are getting there.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I do remember telling T once about an incident in infant sch when I was aged 6 and was just begining to act out because of what was happening in my home life and getting sent to the headmistress and she was on the phone motioned for me to sit whilst she talked and I sat in the comfortable chair next to her and she put the phone down and said how dare you sit in my best chair you dirty child!

Some people really know how to make you feel good, don't they!

[peaches100]

Awesome post!

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Some people really know how to make you feel good, don't they!

[alcira]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

I see a lot of fear around therapy and I think shame and the fear or being reshamed is the core of that fear, its better to shame therapy rather than risk shaming themselves. I am glad I no longer live under that very dark cloak.

Great post, Melba! I am glad you are past that fear. I hope I can get there some day.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Melbadaze

...how dare you sit in my best chair you dirty child!

Melbadaze,

You deserve the nicest chair in the whole room.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Some people really know how to make you feel good, don't they!

i marvel at the things people say to children. it infuriates me! i even know a therapist who says just the most awful things about her kids...i just cant understand it. we both work with the results of poor parenting! how can she not see that she is setting her kids up for the same fate?!!?

but i digress...

[alcira]

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

i marvel at the things people say to children. it infuriates me! i even know a therapist who says just the most awful things about her kids...i just cant understand it. we both work with the results of poor parenting! how can she not see that she is setting her kids up for the same fate?!!?

but i digress...

I guess that only confirms our suspicions that therapists are human just like everyone else.

This sort of behavior would baffle me as well. I would have hoped that someone with the training and understanding a therapist has would be able to be a better parent for their children.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by alcira

I guess that only confirms our suspicions that therapists are human just like everyone else.

This sort of behavior would baffle me as well. I would have hoped that someone with the training and understanding a therapist has would be able to be a better parent for their children.

me too....and she's actually a pretty decent therapist. makes me sad really...