Wow.

So, T left me a message this morning saying how well I'm doing and kind of reiterating what we talked about in session yesterday...that I'm feeling my feelings, and that even though healing doesn't look how I expected it to I am ready to accept what's in front of me.

And I freaked out a little inside.

I feel like....I'm not sure if it's OKAY for me to feel OKAY about myself and where I am. It's so strange that I just told T my hardest thing, and he KNOWS, and I've let him see the real me...AND I'm in this place of "maybe things are okay".

When I used to have glimmers of "maybe I'm okay how I am", it scared the hell out of me, so T had me practice thinking/feeling it 1 time out of 10. So when I thought "I am a bad person, I suck, I hate me" 9 times, I would try to let myself think "maybe I'm okay" one time.

SO....in a way, the fact that I was able to be in the "I'm okay" place for a whole day seems like huge progress. And then I get scared because thinking "hey, that's progress" is more "I'm okay".

I've never ever ever ever felt okay. It's scary. I want to stay there but I don't know how long I can do it. I hope someday I can stay there forever.

I see T Thursday. I want him to help me with this. I want to believe I can be okay just how I am. I WANT to believe that all of the old messages are lies. There's just something really really scary about it. Like...what if I'm WRONG? What if I'm NOT okay? I don't know why that scares me so much, but it does.

New things are hard.

[Miracle1986]

(((Treehouse)))

new things are can be very scary I know.
But you are doing so great! Keep pushing forward!

[sittingatwatersedge]

New things ARE hard.

maybe you can sort of turn your back on it and let it sneak up on you. If it hangs around in the corners of the room for a while maybe you will get used to its presence a little. Doesn't have to be all at once.

and oh if you don't mind my mentioning it, you are feeling this and the calendar still says October, so maybe that is losing some of its power, what a wonderful thing that would be !!! (((((((((((( tree ))))))))))))

[chaotic13]

I can relate to wondering if its OK to feel OK and then thinking...Am I REALLY OK? Personally I've been thanking the existentialist approach lately...and its working for me at the moment.

[Gus1234U]

well done, and well said,, Treehouse~! more OK is betterer ... cheering for you ~! Gus

[Oceanwave]

Hi treehouse,

I wondered what this feeling of being okay is about. Is it about acceptance - whether you think others can accept you for who you are? Or is it about feeling okay and not feeling down?

**hugs**

[googley]

(((((((((Tree))))))))))

I agree. New things are hard. I'm glad you are feeling okay. I think with time it will become a normal feeling. You will feel okay more of the time than you don't feel okay. You are making huge progress. Even good change can be scary.

[elliemay]

New things ARE hard, and new places are even harder.

I always like to "try things and places on" a bit before I decide if they "stick" or not.

It takes time. You may be okay, you may not be. The fact is you are walking around in it awhile before you decide and that's a perfectly fine place to be.

I do it all the time.

Originally Posted by Oceanwave

Hi treehouse,

I wondered what this feeling of being okay is about. Is it about acceptance - whether you think others can accept you for who you are? Or is it about feeling okay and not feeling down?

**hugs**

It's about believing that *I* am okay. Not about feeling okay, but about believing that I am worthy, acceptable, good, able to face whatever is in front of me.

I guess I will try to let it ebb and flow. This October is SO not what I expected. A lot worse in some ways, a lot better in someways. Different.

[Sannah]

Maybe it is hard to accept that you are okay because it would be going against your mom's wishes and that is scary?