[Abby]

So this concerns therapy, but also doesn't.

I like my therapist. As much as I sometimes hate her and wish she had never existed, I do feel quite dependent upon her. I think that shows in the fact i turn up 2x a week come hail or snow! (well ok maybe not quite literally, but certainly emotionally!).

The problem though is that I do not talk to anyone, ever, about therapy (except on here). This is generally advantageous but recently stuff in my life has been kinda sour and I really feel the only way to make a change is to take a drastic step and move cities and everything etc. But of course doing so would mean leaving therapy. When I talk to family about making these changes they encourage me to do so and ask me why I don't just take risks, and compliently I say 'there is no reason for why I shouldn't just leave' but honestly there is a reason, a BIG reason!

I feel really stuck. I absolutely cannot explain to my family the therapy i'm in because they wouldn't understand plus it would be far too exposing and horrid.....but I also can't talk to my therapist about the problems properly because she can't 'advise' me on this subject (her own words)...she says she is happy to look at the underlying reasons for why it isn't quite right/why i'm not happy. But...not meaning to appear disrespectful...but the reasons for this need to move are pretty clear - i'm unhappy and in a vicious cycle of horridness (there is no deeper meaning to it than this).

I feel really rather alone in all of this. I feel quite trapped. I can't tell what is important. One part of my brain is saying this therapist will leave me soon enough, that i mean nothing to her, and to take my chances whilst i'm young and free and not live in misery anymore because I will regret it like i do most of the rest of my life.....but another part of my brain feels like hiding becuase it is so tired and quite frankly doesn't want to have to cope anymore no matter how much 'better' this life I create, will be...the last (but not least) part, rather pathetically, is still waiting to 'be saved'...and it doesn't seem to matter how many times it is drummed into me that this will never happen (as that isn't how the world works), i still semi pray for it. ........truthfully that part is the main reason i continue with therapy!

What do you guys think? Which part should I side with?

[Perna]

"Moving" won't change anything, might make things worse. You can't get away from yourself and your problems. If "you" are horrid, you'll remain horrid unless you work on that?

Why do you have to "explain" your therapy to your family? I use to sort of fudge it if I had to, explain it so it was kind of like a type of school/class.

I don't understand your "sides" completely, are you talking about whether to move or not, are those the two sides or is it therapy or not or what? Please tell us more.

[bpd mess]

I agree with Perna on the moving. I've moved a number of times thinking this time I'll get it right, I'm not going to mess everything up. It never worked. I always showed up. Consider if there's something or someone specific you are needing to move away from, or if it's just life in general. Life in general will most likely follow you.

[ballet_girl]

Let us know what you decide. I am going through something similar (except for I am studying abroad so it isn't as permanent, but still really scary). Also Perna, how do you 'fudge therapy' with your family? I really need my parents to pitch in if I am going to continue to see my t, but I really have no idea how to explain it to them without bringing up a lot of uncomfortable questions...

[sunrise]

Abby, it's hard to respond without knowing more about your situation and why you are considering moving. Are you moving to escape or avoid things where you live now? Or are you moving to go to something positive and not to be had in the place you live now? For example, if you have a job offer in a distant city, and it is your dream job in a field where jobs are hard to come by, then I think there is a lot to be said for moving! On the other hand, if you are moving to get away from something in your current city, such as not having any friends, or a family that is impossible to live with, etc., then I think those problems could be worked on in your current location and then you wouldn't have to bid your T good-bye.

When I was 17, I moved 1000 miles away from where I grew up because I wanted to get away from my family. This was a great decision and I felt so much happier in life with many miles between us. When I was older I did move back to where they lived, and the same old problems were present, and I had to solve them. So the problems did not disappear, but when I moved back, I was older and more resilient and better able to find solutions. I don't know if that is at all relevant to you.

Good luck with what you decide. I'm not sure why you cannot discuss this more with your T. It's such a major decision...

Originally Posted by balletgirl

I really need my parents to pitch in if I am going to continue to see my t, but I really have no idea how to explain it to them without bringing up a lot of uncomfortable questions...

You can just be vague. Say something like you're going to therapy because you're depressed and are working on that and think it will be helpful. No need to give details.

[Sannah]

You have gotten a lot of good responses so far. I'm waiting for your reply to them (just wanted you to know that I read your post and am still around to support you.)

[Abby]

Originally Posted by Perna

"Moving" won't change anything, might make things worse. You can't get away from yourself and your problems. If "you" are horrid, you'll remain horrid unless you work on that?
Why do you have to "explain" your therapy to your family?
I don't understand your "sides" completely. Please tell us more.

Originally Posted by bpd mess

I agree with Perna on the moving. I've moved a number of times thinking this time I'll get it right, I'm not going to mess everything up. It never worked. I always showed up. Consider if there's something or someone specific you are needing to move away from, or if it's just life in general. Life in general will most likely follow you.

That is the problem wherever I move to I will always show up eventually. Shame really. I am considering moving because I'm quite distressed at where I am right now as I'm really rather unhappy. I have no friends, have an awful, unfulfilling job etc. I kinda have the train of thought that by moving I can start afresh and hopefully feel as though I'm at the same point as my peers. I fear i'm being left behind! I don't want to remain stuck and then regret it forever after.

I don't need to 'explain' therapy to my family as such, I think i described that badly. More that I play down extensively how much impact it is having upon me emotionally and how difficult it is to keep going with that on top of general unhappiness. This means I can't have an honest conversation with them.

Re: sides. I am torn as to what I want and what is best for me. My brain is split and I can never tell I want. I find it hard to figure out which part to trust. Do I continue with therapy and put up with the other stuff, or give up therapy and start anew?

Originally Posted by sunrise

Abby, it's hard to respond without knowing more about your situation and why you are considering moving. Are you moving to escape or avoid things where you live now? Or are you moving to go to something positive and not to be had in the place you live now? For example, if you have a job offer in a distant city, and it is your dream job in a field where jobs are hard to come by, then I think there is a lot to be said for moving! On the other hand, if you are moving to get away from something in your current city, such as not having any friends, or a family that is impossible to live with, etc., then I think those problems could be worked on in your current location and then you wouldn't have to bid your T good-bye.

When I was 17, I moved 1000 miles away from where I grew up because I wanted to get away from my family. This was a great decision and I felt so much happier in life with many miles between us. When I was older I did move back to where they lived, and the same old problems were present, and I had to solve them. So the problems did not disappear, but when I moved back, I was older and more resilient and better able to find solutions. I don't know if that is at all relevant to you.

Good luck with what you decide. I'm not sure why you cannot discuss this more with your T. It's such a major decision...

Apologies for being rather cryptic in my last post. Honestly, I would be moving in order to get away from my life now...I would hope there would be a better life when I moved and that would mean a better job/more friends etc. But there isn't anything concrete as such because I don't really know what job I want etc. I would likely move to a city where old friends live now, and some family live also. I have temptingly looked at moving abroad just because it'd be a radical change which may be helpful. I don't want my life to be stagnant, and I don't want regrets. I can't figure out what I would regret more long term.

I can't talk to my therapist about this because she's said she's not a careers counsellor and also because it is my decision whether I end therapy or not. I think, maybe, one of the reasons I'm thinking about a big change is that I'm so lonely dealing with all of this and I seem to be getting up day after day and getting nowhere but more tired. I feel silently angry that I'm stuck, I'm angry at myself for always waiting and hoping for it to get better when it never does! (sorry i hate to sound so appallingly negative, i'd like to be the silver lining kinda girl )

Originally Posted by Sannah

You have gotten a lot of good responses so far. I'm waiting for your reply to them (just wanted you to know that I read your post and am still around to support you.)

Thanks Sannah, I appreciate.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

I kinda have the train of thought that by moving I can start afresh and hopefully feel as though I'm at the same point as my peers.

Honestly, I would be moving in order to get away from my life now...

I would hope there would be a better life when I moved and that would mean a better job/more friends etc.

I think, maybe, one of the reasons I'm thinking about a big change is that I'm so lonely dealing with all of this and I seem to be getting up day after day and getting nowhere but more tired. I feel silently angry that I'm stuck, I'm angry at myself for always waiting and hoping for it to get better when it never does!

In order for our lives to really improve we need to work through the issues that are holding us back. Moving to another place doesn't change our inner issues that we need to work on. Sometimes it might help to get away from certain things but your issues will come with you. Moving is stressful too with all of the change but sometimes it can propel you into doing all the work that needs to be done on your issues. If you aren't stable, however, all the change can be really hard.

Haven't you been making gradual progress in therapy, like being able to be more open with your therapist and discovering the issues that you need to work on? Maybe you want instant change which is unrealistic?

[Abby]

I'm actually really good at big changes because I get to switch off my mind and just run on autopilot. Small changes I'm not so good at because I get fearful and therefore i'm less motivated which eventually means I feel guilty and the angry voice in my head increases 10 fold. I'm probably the only person that would rather move to another city and start over than join one new social club!

My therapist feels I'm making progress in therapy. I likely am but I wouldn't be able to name how other than the fact I can now talk more openly with her....but honestly after 2yrs i'd expect that with anyone!! I don't feel i'm being unrealistic. I'm still miserable, i'm still cutting, i'm still doing anything to get out of my brain for as long as possible, i'm still pushing through just because I feel i 'should'. I'm tired of it!

Sorry i've just realised how utterly mad I am at my therapist. I don't blame her for my lack of significant progress because that it quite obviously due to my inadaquacy....but I am angry at her nonetheless. Urg, i'm going to shut up now. I wish I could run away from myself.

[velcro003]

Abby--this thread gave me lots to think about, and i want to respond to you, but i have to go to work! I just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you, and plan on writing back later

[sane1logic1]

Originally Posted by Abby

... i'm still cutting ...

They cut in that other town too.

[ECHOES]

still waiting to 'be saved'

There are many ways of being saved, including saving ourself by making changes in our life that we are ready to make.

Your therapist can't advise you, because she wants you to be influenced only by your own desires. But that doesn't mean you are alone in this. This is important and something you and your therapist can talk about, and to look at together to find all the reasons you are thinking that moving will change more than your address. You and your therapist might want to, and need to, talk about his many, many times to understand how this works with you and to find other ways to deal with those things that get stirred up. Therapy is exactly the place for taking a look at this and at your feeling alone with this.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Abby

Sorry i've just realised how utterly mad I am at my therapist.

This is important to realize. Any new thoughts on this?

[BlackCanary]

Originally Posted by Abby

...
What do you guys think? Which part should I side with?

Side with YOURSELF! I think you can change your life without moving away to a new city. I say this because I had to do it a few years ago.
Work was awful, I was facing a bully for a customer, and my management did not back me up. I had to rely on some junior staff to handle things with the bully; I remain so thankful for them. Eventually I was able to change jobs within my company - and I felt SO much better. But it took about 6 months to get out!
You may find that a new job in your current city can give you a fresh start - but work with your T to figure out what job you would really LOVE to have?

My home was tiny and the neighbors were horrid, noisy, cut our trees w/o permission, and VERY noisy (did I mention noisy?). I thought of all the ways I might try to resolve the situation - but it seemed impossible. I spent 6 months looking for a new home, and three more months in the buying and moving process. I only moved about 2 miles, but wow, what a difference.

I started to take care of my health - saw the doctor, the dentist, the optometrist. My doctor sent me to the therapist (horrible!) and then I saw a psychiatrist. Prozac made a big difference within a month.

Once I started to take care of some of these important needs then I was much happier, kinder to my friends and family.

You don't have to give up this T, or tell your family about therapy. Consider how you can make positive choices for yourself where you are now. Use your sessions for the next few weeks to map this out, see what is possible?

On the telling the family - first I told my sister in law, since she's in therapy, and her mom is a therapist. Then my brother (her husband). Then my sister. But not my parents - geez, I do NOT want them to ask about it! I've told a friend or two at work, and found that so many people are also in therapy, or did it during their divorce or with their kids. And my dearest friends I also eventually told. But it's not a topic of discussion except with my sister-in-law.
Keep in mind you don't have to tell people WHY you are going to therapy, or how long you have gone or how often... you just say "It really helps me understand myself" or "It helps me deal with stuff from growing up". We all can relate to that!

[rainbow8]

Abbey, you said you want to move away to get away from your life. But when you move, you bring yourself and all your baggage with you. That doesn't sound like a good reason to move.

I would think that your T would be willing to discuss your dilemma with you even though she can't tell you what to do.

As far as what part to side with, in my IFS therapy I am learning to accept and have compassion for all of my parts. They are all important and worthy of being listened to. Maybe you could try, in therapy, to have a conversation with your opposing parts and see where that leads you. Or, with your T, visualize being in a different place where you have moved and see how you feel. I think there are ways that your T can help you without her making a decision for you.

I am sorry you are in such pain over this.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Hi Abby,
Your therapist may not be able to advise you, but would it be a good idea to just go over all the details with T and hear yourself putting the facts out? Would that not help you make a decision?
Besides (sneeeky clients) my t is not all THAT much of a poker face, if I say something really off the wall she's going to show it...

difficult decision I know, moving or not moving; but T makes a good sounding board if you need one. Of course, everyone here on PC has advice to give

[Abby]

Thanks for all your replies - wow so many!

Originally Posted by ECHOES

You and your therapist might want to, and need to, talk about his many, many times to understand how this works with you and to find other ways to deal with those things that get stirred up. Therapy is exactly the place for taking a look at this and at your feeling alone with this.

I wish my therapist could advise me, i'm much better at following directions (sheep stylee!) than making me own choices. I guess I should try and bring this issue up with her again, but it is so hard because there is so much misery and I do get to the point where I can't be bothered explaining anymore and just want things to change. But I do hear your advice and will try and run with it, thank you.

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is important to realize. Any new thoughts on this?

Not massively...

Originally Posted by BlackCanary

You don't have to give up this T, or tell your family about therapy. Consider how you can make positive choices for yourself where you are now. Use your sessions for the next few weeks to map this out, see what is possible?

You're right, there are many things I can do to improve my life here, like join social clubs etc. Maybe if I have those work won't be so frustrating and disappointing? I think I'm going through one of those mini freak out periods where I fear what I'm missing out on. When I was little I always imagined when I was this age I'd be happy and in control etc, it kept me going...it's hard having to face the reality. But it may be a good idea for the next few sessions to think about practical things I can do to help me, sometimes what we talk about seems so abstract I forget most of it by the time i leave! Good idea thank you!

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Maybe you could try, in therapy, to have a conversation with your opposing parts and see where that leads you. Or, with your T, visualize being in a different place where you have moved and see how you feel.

Haha, whether they're all equally important and worthy of being listened to i'll debate but they're all certainly equally loud! It makes for a complicated tangle! I like the idea of visualising moving, but how do you stop yourself from fantizising?

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

Besides (sneeeky clients) my t is not all THAT much of a poker face, if I say something really off the wall she's going to show it...

Of course, everyone here on PC has advice to give

What would you say that was off the wall? My therapist is a poker face whenever I try and provoke a reaction, it is sooo annoying! But she has a good sense of humour at least
I like everyones opinions, they are so helpful! Irl I would never open a conversation like this, and be so honest about how confused I was. I like I can do that on here. The general consensus seems to be that I should talk to my therapist...so I may need to try and find a way to express all this verbally. Mmm....

Thank you all so much for you time in replying, it meant a lot to me.