[ballet_girl]

First of all, please just let me say that I am sorry if I posted this in the wrong place or if it is inappropriate. If it is, please feel free to delete it.

I'm just freaking out about leaving my T. I feel like I am barely coping right now. We have a one session a week limit but for the past two weeks she has seen me twice a week because I am just falling apart. Its so stupid because it was my choice to leave her (I'm going abroad for a semester) but I still feel like SHE is abandoning ME. I just have this sense that she could figure out a way to see me if she realized how much I need her, even though logically I know this is impossible no matter how much she wanted to see me.

Lately I've been really good about not doing SI and I've been so proud of myself, but now I feel like I just have to do it in a place that I can show her so that she knows how much it feels impossible for me to stop therapy. I've never ever ever wanted to show anybody my SI before, I hide it like my life depends on it and I don't know why I have the sudden urge to do it now. I just feel like she doesn't understand how much stopping therapy for a semester hurts me and I want her to understand.

I don't know how I'm going to deal with all of these feelings when I don't have her. Its like I finally began to pour out all of my feelings to her and now I can't stop but I won't have anybody to listen so I will just have to try to push them back inside. And now my trauma anniversary is coming up and my mom is coming to visit and finals are coming up and she won't be in next week and I only have 4 sessions left and it isn't enough time to talk about all of this AND everything that I think I might encounter and how to deal with it. T is checking into the practice's policy about international phone calls but already said that it won't be every week and that generally emailing isn't allowed but she will ask if they can make an exception. And I'm really upset because she told me that if I am sui or going to SI I can call her, but I also have to talk to somebody there which is really frustrating to me because she knows that I saw three people before I ended up with her who all said that they couldn't help me and wouldn't let me come in even when I begged... I am so afraid of that happening again, and I am also afraid of different cultural perceptions of mental illnesses and what that might mean.

Sorry for this really long and emotional post. I just need some support right now and don't know who to turn to other than my T, who is of course gone when I need her the most (or I just need her because she is gone, idk)

[granite1]

would you maybe be able to talk with her on the phone at some set times or something untill your semester is over

(((((((((((((((ballet girl))))))))))))))))))

That sounds SOOOO hard. Whenever I think about the possibility of moving, one of the FIRST things that pops into my head is how hard it would be to leave T. I know it must be hard and scary to think about how much you'll miss her.

When I moved across the country a few years ago, there were certain people I was just miserable about leaving. None were T's, but they were people who were very important to me. I found that in my new surroundings, it was easier to be without them than I expected. I was in a new place, having new experiences, and I didn't "feel" their absence the way I expected to. It's kind of like when I go on vacation, I miss T, but I'm okay....but when HE goes on vacation, and I'm here, where I'm used to seeing him, it's WAY harder. So, I guess my hope for you is that the reality of your semester abroad won't be nearly as hard as the anticipation of it.

Good for you for reaching out for support. There is almost always someone here who can listen and empathize...no matter where you are

[WePow]

Sending big safe hugs to you. I can't reply much with my emotional state but I did read your post and do care.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by ballet_girl

Lately I've been really good about not doing SI and I've been so proud of myself, but now I feel like I just have to do it in a place that I can show her so that she knows how much it feels impossible for me to stop therapy. I've never ever ever wanted to show anybody my SI before, I hide it like my life depends on it and I don't know why I have the sudden urge to do it now. I just feel like she doesn't understand how much stopping therapy for a semester hurts me and I want her to understand.

(((ballet girl)))))

It's really great that you've not been using SI recently. But now, do you think you could express to your T how you are feeling in a different way, other than SI, to show her the intensity of your feelings? Your T will understand a "different language", so to say, which isn't the language of self-harm. Perhaps you could print out your post and show it to her. There you have already expressed you feelings verbally, without SI. Believe me, it is expressive enough and very clear, and your T will get it. Also, while you are away maybe you could use Skype (instead of expensive international calls) which is free if both parties use it. Would your T agree to do that once a week, at least until you settle in? You could ask her.

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by ballet_girl

and I am also afraid of different cultural perceptions of mental illnesses and what that might mean.

If you see a trained mental health care professional in a foreign country they should be able to help you, despite varied cultural perceptions of mental illness. Believe me, perceptions of mental illness vary from person to person even within one's own country -- you don't need to go abroad to experience that. And also, I assume you will not be talking about deeply personal issues to people in general when you are abroad. And maybe you don't do that at home either.