Kinda afraid... but not really?

(((((WePow))))))

That sounds like HUGE progress to me. Well done being where you are right now!

Thank you SO much for saying this. Actually, the LARGEST part of my courage came from you and the other wonderful people here on PC. It is so great to know that there is a safe place where I could come and let it all out. When I was in pain, you all were there for me to hold me up and keep me going. When I was misunderstanding things with my T, you guys reminded me of the good things about T and how he really was there for me. When I was able to make a breakthrough, you all were there to dance with me!

There is no way I would have made it without the kindness and support of those here on PC!!

To answer your question about fear of revealing the trauma issues, well, I had no choice really. It was just way too much inside of me from all the past. I had done so well of hiding most of it from my conscious. I had my alters there who were protecting me. But as I matured and had a stable relationship and job situation, well, my mind decided it was time for those hidden parts of me to be heard. The walls came tumbling down around me. I crashed last year about this time. And I crashed hard.

My "Higher power" allowed me to be in the hands of the best therapist for my situation. And he was strong enough to be there when it was life or death. I couldn't have told him when I first started seeing him - even though I know he GOT IT and saw my pain - but I was at my end. This is not an exageration one little bit. I had to find the right T and get help because I had already decided that I was not going to be sitting here at this time this year in THAT type of agony. I COULD NOT live like that. I was not strong enough to do it. Period. It was that simple. And going to inpatient would not have helped me because the pain would have remained after a short visit. I NEEDED intensive therapy with a qualified profession who could handle my situation without pushing me over the slender edge I was standing on by the time I got to him. And the forces all beyond my control are the only reason all of this came together the way it did.

The only courage I had to really have was to allow others to help me out. I had to accept that I needed help. I had to accept the hand my T had extended to me. I had to accept the friendship of those here on PC who reached out to me. Now, for many of us with PTSD and abuse histories, that really is a hard thing to do. So yes, I am very proud of myself for being able to finally realize that I could not make it without the hands of love from those around me.

My advice to others is to keep working on this part - of being able to accept the help others are offering. To be able to see that just because someone is nice to us does not mean they want to abuse us.

The other thing is honesty. The relationship you have with your T while doing trauma based therapy is the single most important relationship in that time - because digging that deeply can destroy you. For some reading who are not yet into the trauma part of therapy, please listen to your T and allow your T to set up your safety net first. Don't rush into this work. It is WORK. And it will open parts of you that are wounded and often in a state of suspended RAGE. Any T who has an ounce of sense is going to first make sure the client is able to stay safe while going through this work. The honesty a client builds with their T is the foundation of that safety. Clients going through trauma therapy NEED the safety to be solid. It can't be half-way there. If a T is bad about emails or phone call returns, clarify all of that up front before attempting trauma work! And be honest about your needs. And those T's on here reading, for the love of all - please be honest about your boundaries before starting this work with a client.

The flashbacks and torture of remembering things happen at all hours of the day or night. My T was brilliant because he allowed me to use Email as my safe holder. Some T's don't do this - so again you have to clarify up front. But whatever you do, you have to know how you are going to stay safe when THIS happens. I wouldn't wish what I experienced at this level on anyone. So be ready for it and have a plan worked out with your T in advance.

As to your second question, LOL. I have never been at this stage before and I don't have a clue as to what to expect! I have talked with my mentor about this stage and he told me that a void must be filled - and that I can choose what to put into my new space. Yes, I am a little perplexed by what I want to do with this new freedom. But I have been watching my T and my mentor for a while. And my T went through what I went through with his own trauma healing. So I look to see how he fills his life with service to others and such - the small insights he grants me from time to time! Seeing that gives me hope that I can maybe also have dreams and plans for a future. I am still very exhausted from this year... very exhausted... but wow... what a wonderful thing it is to finally be on THIS side of the work! It is being alive and not in agony. And THAT is actually something I CAN live with!