Processing Guilty Feelings and Painful Feelings,

What is therapy?

Is therapy that hour sitting in a chair...maybe...but, I don't think so.

It may also be all the feelings you have to deal with when you leave.

All the thoughts you contemplate once you drive home.

therapy are the moments you find out a truth about yourself

the moment you give yourself room for healing

the pain that is unbearable

this is therapy
it may be more of the moments we don't understand, then the moments that we do...

And although, something in me just "hurts'" because I know she can't care for me the way my parents do or my friends do...

I think I should stop crying about it, because I cannot take that personal.
With every client she sees, she acknowledges the same--in a sense, she has to maintain the same boundaries..but, I also feel like I see through some of her reactions of what she thinks of me...I can see...I know I can see that shes hiding many truths of what she thinks of me.

I have to leave therapy at the same time that I will be leaving my house and living on my own in a dorm

And its terrifying

not because I don't think I can handle it...

but, because for the first time I am having difficulty trusting my T.
She said she would do phone sessions while I'm at college
but, I feel too much has been unsaid
I feel I have been too vulnerable, negative, and needy through this process.
I feel weak. I need to know that it was okay to be me in that room,
because all of that pain, that WAS ME, that was what she asked for,
so why do I feel so guilty.?? I shared soo much...I've never been that honest, that vulnerable...or felt that much pain in front of another human being before. Am I supposed to regret it?

My T didn't respond to my email today and it really hurt because I happened to ask her a specific question, all it took was a yes--or--no answer...but, we had a rupture way back involving email so I'm wondering if shes just nerved about that and never really got over it and just used that particular situation to conclude that she probably shouldn't respond to my emails anymore.

I have to go off to college and I can't trust my T.
It hurts and its scary.
because, I don't want to be alone.
and it was time for me to open up the most intimate and important
detail of my life since I started therapy...I only have this one month left to do it...and how can I now..when I can't trust?
ITs killing me inside to wait for this phone session next week.
I will not let it ruin the holiday spirit though
and I will smile through the tears.

(((Jazzy))) I can relate to your description about therapy and how painful it can be. Is this something you could read to your T perhaps? I hope the phone sessions work well for you.. try not to worry (easier said than done). Keep posting here on PC - we are listening.

umm would it be a good idea to read this over the phone? I plan on it!

Jazzy, thank you for your post. I think therapy is about learning. Learning how to heal. Learning how to have relationships with others. Learning how to set safe boundaries. And learning how to love ourselves.

Jazzy, I've been thinking about how I did therapy when I went off to college (long time ago). What I remembered is that I went to the campus mental health clinic, met a therapist there, and my therapist called her after I gave her her name. They made the transition for me. I got a local referral from campus after that, with campus mental health as my crisis team...because it's generally a bad idea for your therapist to also be your crisis therapist--because crisis therapists can say and do things that mess up regular therapy (the boundaries with a crisis therapist are so different).

Is that a possibility you'd be interested in? I don't know if it's an option for you, but it was very important for me to have a therapist in the room. I don't do well with the phone--I dissociate often, and I think body language is important.

You're sure right about the bulk of therapy taking place outside of the hour, and in our own environments...the application of the therapy to our lives, our selves, our behavior in a multitude of messy situations in real time......

Lots of hugs to you!

Jazzy how r things since your original post? Where you able to discuss this with T?

Hey geez---if you saw my most recent post...what do you think? should I>?
Its true that my phone session will finally be tommorow...and I could share what I wrote above but, if you read ALL the stuff I put in my other thread you can see that there is SO MUCH to be said...so, I don't know how much of this T will hear and I don't know what to choose but, tommorow is my hour phone session...so, I have to make something good come from it. Thanks for following up geez!