[jexa]

Today I met with my T again. We tried a mindfulness exercise in session, which I never did with my old T. It was WEIRD for some reason. She just wanted me to pay attention to my breath. After like two breaths I got embarrassed and hid my head. She said, "What is that that just came up?" I said, "I'm embarrassed." She said, "Okay, let's sit in this embarrassment."

And so I was just there with my head in my hands totally squirming inside, feeling totally STARED at! After a few more breaths I moved again and she said, "What was that?" I said, "I want to stop. Let's talk about something, I don't know." So we stopped. And I talked about work again.

UGHHH why do I STILL feel so embarrassed??? Replaying in my mind over and over...

[Omers]

Good job today. You did REALLY well for your first time!!! Be proud!

Mindfulness is hard but such a gift once we are comfortable with it. "sitting in" an emotion while you are safe in therapy helps you to discover that you are more powerful than your emotions and you can survive them.
For me the first time I did it I too became very embarassed. I felt like I was sitting there in front of my T emotionally naked. Soon I discovered that my T was watching almost protectively. Now that I "get it" she usually doesn't watch but is there waiting for me when I'm ready.

[googley]

Jexa-
Good job. Mindfulness isn't something that comes all at once. It takes practice. However long you are able to do is okay. Your feelings are okay. You are okay.

[zooropa]

I get so embarrassed in therapy sometimes, Jexa. Even after 2 years of sitting across from my T, week after week. It is SO HARD to be under that scrutiny. I feel like I'm under a microscope sometimes. And it's not just me under there, it's the worst, most painful, wounded parts of me. It is excruciating sometimes.

[darkrunner]

(((((((((((Jexa))))))))))))))

Don't be discouraged, because I think all of this is just the process of you developing your relationship with T and learning to trust her.

I have to wonder though - wouldn't anyone get embarassed while 'breathing' in total silence and sitting in front of someone they don't know very well? How is this therapeutic?
I don't really understand the point of that exercise, and why it would be helpful to 'sit' with the embarassment.

[sugahorse1]

There's nothing wrong with feeling an emotion. And your T will respect your emotion for what it is too. I hope you make peace with what happened soon. It is uncomfortable to do new things, infront of new people, and to make yourself so emotionally "naked".

Please can someone elaborate on how mindfulness works, and how it benefits one in therapy? I think there's a lot I can take away from this (Feel free to PM me, as I'd hate to hi-jack this thread)

(((JEXA)))

[granite1]

jexa that sound like it was so hard for you but you still did it i think that is amazing and matbe next time it will be a bit easier

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by zooropa

It is SO HARD to be under that scrutiny. I feel like I'm under a microscope sometimes.

Under what scrutiny? The scrutiny that you think is there, that you imagine?

(Now I am scrutinizing you?)

[WikidPissah]

(((Jexa))) My T does this progressive muscle relaxation at the end of every session. I find it quite embarrassing, I don't really know why. Tightening my fists, then my arms, then my shoulders, then my neck...ugh it feels like it takes hours! And he does it too, with me...and he kind of looks absurd, so I figure I look absurd as well. yucky.

Maybe everyone is right...in time it will get easier.

[rainbow8]

My T is "into" mindfulness and breathing too. We used to do the breathing together and I did feel kind of weird watching HER breathe. She closed her eyes and wanted me to do the same, but I cheated and looked. We don't do it all the time any more, but I trust her and I've gotten somewhat used to her methods.

When we do IFS, she wants me to keep my eyes closed and I do. Often she asks where in my body I am feeling something, and I don't like that question.

When we first started this "holding hands" technique (now I realize it IS a technique, not just her doing what I wanted) I was embarrassed, but she is very good at making it seem normal and not weird.

I think it just takes getting used to, and trusting your T. It's maybe too soon for that, jexa. I am a self-conscious person, and for me to do this breathing and body stuff is so unlike me it's incredible. But therapy takes strange paths. If you can't tolerate doing something, T will understand.

[bpd2]

I just hate anyone looking at my body! I can hardly stand it when they look at my face, and I have a terrible time looking my t in the eye. So, knowing that he's looking at my body to see whether I am breathing with my chest or with my stomach is ..........I can't even think how to recreate the sound I want!!!!

BUT that said (or not said), I've actually asked for a moment or two to just breathe while I try to stop escalating an emotion. But I learned the technique elsewhere--yoga--not in front of him.....Once I learned that he would accept time out for yoga breathing, that made it possible--not his "training me to do it"....

There are times when I could learn it from him, but not when I'm already freaking out....

[jexa]

Thanks you guys!!

darkrunner, I think Omers had it right -- "sitting in" an emotion for a bit of time I think will help me learn that feelings aren't dangerous.

I was assigned homework in the session before this to try to do one activity mindfully over the week. I was discussing with her that I can't be mindful when I'm sitting, that it's too overwhelming and I have a strong aversion to it. She said she wanted me to learn that I can be mindful even when I'm uncomfortable. I said I couldn't see how it would be possible at all, so she wanted me to practice right there. I do think it was therapeutic.

We only did the exercise for a minute or so. At the end, I thought I had "failed." She said I did not fail. That I just experienced embarrassment, that even that experience was mindful since for a little bit of time I DID sit in the emotion. A lightbulb kind of went off at that point. I am still really embarrassed though.

pachy/zoo -- interesting about "scrutiny." It really does feel like I'm under a microscope in T, like you, zoo. Maybe it is imagined but I don't think all of it is. A T's job is to assess your mental health, to make decisions about what would be helpful for you, etc. So, you ARE under their scrutiny. I mean, of course it's not a malicious kind of scrutiny. Nevertheless, you are being observed when you are in T. Worst of all, the T is like a mirror. They will show you the faultlines they see in you, if they think it will be healing. That is a difficult reality that is just a part of therapy.

sugahorse, I suck at mindfulness but it can be really helpful. It's all about experiencing what is happening in the moment, noticing your thoughts as just thoughts and letting go of the "hooks" of your thoughts when you see them happen. Also, it is about experiencing your feelings fully in the moment without defense, without pushing them away. Lots of studies have shown that a regular mindfulness practice is REALLY helpful for mental health. Makes sense, right?

Here's a website with some mindfulness exercises:

http://www.allconsidering.com/2009/1...ess-exercises/

Eileen ugh progressive muscle relaxation!! My old T did that with me in one session. It was SOOOOOOO embarrassing. I made her close her eyes before I would do it. Even then it was embarrassing

rainbow OMG the "where do you feel it in your body" question! I forgot to mention, T asked me that too during the mindfulness exercise!! I even said, "I don't like that question." Ughhhh. Something about it is very uncomfortable. I also just feel uncomfortable in my skin and don't even like the WORD body so blech! Yeah I think this is an exercise in trust as well as an exercise in mindfulness. As trust increases this may get easier. Like you, this stuff is VERY unlike me.

bpd, do you mean you do ujjayi breathing in therapy? Like the yogic breathing? That must have been hard at first because it makes that sound! I couldn't even do it in yoga because I was too embarrassed, even though everyone else was doing it. Maybe in time I will feel less shy in therapy.

UGH. HATE THIS.

[rainbow8]

(((((jexa)))))) I so hate the word "body" too!! I hate when T asks that question and I told her. She still asks, though she says I don't have to tell her. But I can say my stomach hurts; that's in my comfort zone so I usually say that. During the hand-holding at my last session she wanted me to feel the calming effects on my stomach. I was calm enough to feel it and to tell her. Often what is hardest for us is what we REALLY need!

[bpd2]

Jexa, yes, ujjayi breathing--I can use the sound as a sort of replacement for talking, AND the vibrations drown out my incessant listening for even a minute sound from his "corner" of the room. He has a fountain in his office and a gas fireplace in the winter, and a beautiful waterfall outside his office with the door open to it in the warmer months. We often listen to music for lyrics or mood. We use sound. The breathing fits in, somewhat--actually, I guess, I prefer it to any others, for the reason that the vibrations in my head do overcome any other sounds.

[Sannah]

Embarrassment is shame. I blush easily but now when I do it I don't want to run, I can sit there with it. Actually, today my husband teased me in a group of people and I turned really red but I sat there with it and laughed and the moment passed.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

Yeah, I get why it's important to sit with uncomfortable feelings, I just don't agree that it is necessary to CAUSE those feelings in therapy so that you can 'practice' that. For example, would your T do something to cause you to feel shame or fear or anger during therapy to get you comfortable with sitting with THOSE feelings? So why do you have to sit with the embarassed feelings? Like I said, I think anyone would feel embarassed doing such an exercise with someone they don't know very well, and it is seems unreasonable to want someone to SIT with those embarassed feelings.

But, I'm glad you found it therapeutic and helpful. That's what matters.

Actually, darkrunner, yeah I think T's definitely do (and should do!) things to get us in contact with our feelings of shame and fear and even anger perhaps. The therapy room is supposed to be a place where we feel safe enough to feel our overwhelming emotions in the presence of someone who can talk us through them and lead us to a place of wellness even in the midst of our emotions. Think about trauma work. What is that about? It's about talking about those feelings from the past (if they are interfering with your present), experiencing them again so you can see them as not-dangerous and heal from that point. In the midst of that, of course, we are going to run into all KINDS of frightening feelings -- probably ALL of the ones you mentioned -- shame, fear, anger -- and more!

Another example - one of the most effective ways to treat an anxiety disorder, such as a phobia, is exposure. That is, you face fears in therapy with a T who will talk you through your difficult feelings in the presence of the thing you fear and help you experience that feeling and learn that nothing bad will happen. This means, you DO experience fear, on PURPOSE, in therapy, in order to heal.

It's scary and it's frightening but I think the point is to learn that we can act flexibly in the face of difficult emotions. The emotion does not have to override everything. We can learn to accurately assess our safety, for example, and stop defining safety by the feeling of being safe. Erm, does that make sense?

I'm sure it makes sense that I was embarrassed in this session but I also think I need to learn to tolerate distress and there was nothing dangerous about what she asked me to do. Clearly this exercise triggered some distress and honestly, even though I don't like it, I think it's a good thing that it did. I need her help in figuring out this mindfulness business and I need her help in how to deal with my freaking huge emotions. I don't see how I could heal at all from therapy if I never felt overwhelming emotions in her presence. How would I know how to deal with the emotions outside of the room, then?

[darkrunner]

That's not what I said Jexa. I didn't say that T's shouldn't help us get in contact with feelings.
Maybe I didn't properly explain what I meant, or maybe you just disagree and that's fine, but I really don't like being talked down to.

[jexa]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

That's not what I said Jexa. I didn't say that T's shouldn't help us get in contact with feelings.
Maybe I didn't properly explain what I meant, or maybe you just disagree and that's fine, but I really don't like being talked down to.

Whoa. I assure you that I did not mean to talk down to you. I guess I felt my therapy was being attacked in a way -- you were saying that you didn't see what my T did as helpful, just as I was deciding that it was indeed helpful for me. In response to that I guess I got a bit defensive and felt I needed to explain my full rationale as to why I decided that what she did was helpful for me. I really didn't mean any ill will.

[with or without you]

the silent eye contact is, by far, the worst for me. I can only hold it for a few seconds and then I absolutely have to fill the dead air with something, be it a fake cough or another thought I want to bring up.

[jexa]

Yeah the eye contact IS really tough. I pretty much spend about 75% of session looking at the floor most of the time. Blah.

And.. darkrunner are you still mad at me?? I'm really sorry! I wish you would respond -- I always liked you and I didn't mean to cause any bad feelings!!

I am really sick today too, tonsils swollen, fever, aching, headache, etc. Maybe I came off bad and didn't mean to. I had no idea I seemed like I was talking down to you. I've been criticized before for seeming "superior" and I HATE that, I really NEVER want to be like that. I really try not to be like that so now I'm really upset that you're feeling this way.. I think sometimes I just like to explain things really thoroughly, especially when I feel passionate about the topic. But then I look like a know-it-all and ick. Sorry.

[bpd2]

I can relate, Jexa....I want to say what I know--or think I know--in an effort to be helpful, to clarify, to offer support. But, uh.....

(Not that this is what happened this time with you, just that I relate to worrying that I look like a know-it-all.)

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by jexa

Ughhhh. Something about it is very uncomfortable. I also just feel uncomfortable in my skin and don't even like the WORD body so blech!

I used to be exactly the same way...I can now say the word "body" in therapy, but I still cannot say the names of certain parts. For example, about 6 weeks ago I brought up a lot of sexual stuff, which was really difficult to do, but I would not use the names of body parts and so on. I also can't describe in graphic terms my sexual fantasies. I think my T knows I can't yet, though. I told her there's some stuff I can only say in writing but cannot speak out loud, and she says that's OK, because getting it out at all is such a huge step, at least I'm communicating in some fashion.

[with or without you]

PS. if the rest of you think you have a hard time sitting under a microscope for an hour, try having social phobia and doing the same thing! LOL

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by pachyderm

Under what scrutiny? The scrutiny that you think is there, that you imagine?

maybe it's the perfectly obvious scrutiny by someone
whom you don't know all that well
and who has no intentions of you ever knowing;
who sits there and sits there
and watches, and watches
and takes in everything you feel and say and do,
and everything you try not to feel or say or do,
and everything you try to avoid feeling or saying or doing,
and remembers what you felt, or said, or did, before
or tried not to,
and who makes notes,
and who usually says little or nothing about it.

Gee, maybe that kind of scrutiny? Just a guess.

[jexa]

Oh man, I have social phobia too! Isn't it a total b***h? I'm actually much better than I used to be (I avoid less), but my anxiety still gets SO high. Like, in grocery store lines, saying goodbye, making new friends, sitting at a bar, TALKING IN FRONT OF THE CLASS! AGH.

Therapy is soooo hard when you have social phobia. SO hard.

Oh and yeah, sex? Definitely NOT a topic I can speak about. I actually leave the room when my friends start talking about it! Like, I run away and hide in the bathroom! I just cannot stand to talk about it or even hear it talked about.