[WePow]

Ok fellow PC peeps... It is an hour before my session and I am at work still. I have been doing just fine today. But when I saw the time, I had a sudden panic attack !!

I am not sure if it is because of the sorta-rupture or because I punished myself for thinking of T in order to get through that bad time last week. But I was curious if others had this experience?

[granite1]

i'm going to therapy myself soon and am paniced.sending you bunches of hugs wepow i so understand

[racee]

sometimes i love going and others i see it like "ahhhhh, i can't relax i have an appt. this si going to be very emotion filled how am i going to be afterwards is this going to ruin my day. a lot of times i feel run down after i see my p-doc and i go right in to my bed and stay there for awhile.

I hope the panic dies down WePow and your session goes ok. Thinking of you...

[with or without you]

I don't get a full-blown panic attack, but I usually become 1) jumpy and 2) nauseous.

[WePow]

Thanks for the responses. I am not getting any work done because the panic attack is still in waves. So I am just distracting myself. I don't have a clue as to what I am going to say or not say. It is one of the only times I remember where I am just going to go show up because I know I can't do therapy without being there. But honestly I don't want to see him at all. I want to just go home or something!

[googley]

(((((((WePow))))))))

[with or without you]

ps. I also tell my T right away if I'm feeling nervous, she is always very sweet about it.

[Gently1]

((WePow))
I usually lose sleep the night before, and I drive to a park where I can walk in nature as the goal before crossing the road to the hospital.

Then as I am early I go to the cancer library, and nap in the comfy chairs, and if needed can get a hug from the librarian. (I was a cancer patient and an information seeker).

If I can't get to the park I stop at the neighbourhood coffee shop and get a latte, the cups have the name- Relax Cafe, and it is the sort of place you know everyones name and they yours. The cup is a good place to hide behind and swallow down what you do not want to expose in therapy.

I guess it is not to difficult to imagine that I am working on avoidence issues.
but I do get to Therapy with time to fill out the weekly 'test'.

I walk in nature back to my car and usually go to bed after the session.

[granite1]

hey wepow hope you are doing ok please let us know how things went

[Omers]

Happens to me a lot. I like it when my sessions are in the morning so that I am not awake enough to panic until I get there.

[WePow]

Well, I had a right to be nerveous. I followed my own advice and was honest with T.
He was very T'ish about things. He did what he could to help me out.

But the bottom line of all this is not only was the hug VERY much not even hardly any contact - which is just fine by me at this point. But I can't email T any longer.

So what I once had and depended upon when I really did need him is also now gone.
Nothing else left to loose. Whatever.

Thanks for all you guys and the help you gave me.

[Omers]

I'm sorry. That sucks. I don't understand why they have to give things then take them away. A lot of people find it harsh that my T does not do texts, emails or return phone calls but I would rather have it that way then to have those things then have them taken away. I have had that happen before and it hurts so bad and it is such a hard habit to break.
Hugs

[with or without you]

Originally Posted by Omers

I'm sorry. That sucks. I don't understand why they have to give things then take them away. A lot of people find it harsh that my T does not do texts, emails or return phone calls but I would rather have it that way then to have those things then have them taken away. I have had that happen before and it hurts so bad and it is such a hard habit to break.
Hugs

I thought they were obligated to at least return phone calls?? Mine only communicates by phone, however.

Originally Posted by WePow

Well, I had a right to be nerveous. I followed my own advice and was honest with T.
He was very T'ish about things. He did what he could to help me out.

But the bottom line of all this is not only was the hug VERY much not even hardly any contact - which is just fine by me at this point. But I can't email T any longer.

So what I once had and depended upon when I really did need him is also now gone.
Nothing else left to loose. Whatever.

Thanks for all you guys and the help you gave me.

WePow, I'm so sorry. This sounds awful. I was really hoping you could reconnect with T in this session, but it sounds like the absolute opposite happened. I feel concerned by how final the last line of your post seems. Please try to remember ruptures with T which have always been ok in the end; or times in other relationships when you thought all was lost only to find later that it was alright? I hope this isn't out of place- I know I don't know you at all. I hope you're ok. I'm thinking of you

[googley]

((((((((WePow))))))))

I'm so sorry that your T took away the use of email. That really sucks. Is it because he thinks there are too many misunderstanding with email? Or because he thinks you are doing well enough to not need it? I'm sorry he pulled out this support.

[rainbow8]

(((((WePow)))))

My heart sunk when I read your post about your session. Why did he take away emails? I don't get it. I am SO sorry. What is he trying to do?

[granite1]

i'm also confused (((hugs))) whay happened why cant you email T anymore

[Kacey2]

(((((((((((((((WePow))))))))))))))
What happened?! I don't understand about the whole email thing. Where did this come from? I know that you guys had a rupture but I am just not understanding how things lead to this. Like Rainbow said my heart sunk too. I hope you will continue to come here and use us for support right now. We soooo care about you.

[zooropa]

((((((wepow)))))))

I am sorry. (((((Wepow)))))

[velcro003]

oh wepow, i'm sorry can you give us more details on what your T said about not e-mailing anymore?

i remember Tree saying at one point her T realized he was over-involving himself in her sessions, letting himself care "too much." Like letting his personal feelings override his professional stance as a T, which in the end is the best way to let you heal. I have NO idea if this is what your T is maybe realizing, but just from what you post, you are SO caring and SO wonderful and SO thoughtful and SO willing to do the work....just like Tree, actually.

That how can these T's not get super invested? I don't know, this is just one thought I had.

Also, WePow, my T took away my e-mailing capabilites too after I had them. It hurt, but she explained it in a way that made the sting a little less. She told me that she is trying to do the best FOR me, and she was feeling that I would dump out this emotional stuff in e-mail, and then never talk about it in session. Which is true. She was afraid that we'd never get to actually talk about it in person if I could only do it in e-mail. So in that way she had to re-draw her boundary, and I think that makes sense to me.

And the funny thing is, she e-mailed me a few months after that! About a scheduling thing...but still. Since then, I've written her an e-mail once or twice and only because I was just too drained to talk on her voicemail. She hasn't said anything, so I guess it is ok. This sort of stuff really freaked me out for a long time. Like normally I would have been "She SAID NO EMAIL, so I will NEVER email her again!!" because of the shame of not following her rules and being afraid of the consequences were too scary.

But she's said to me enough times that "I will take care of my boundries. I will tell you if you call too much/e-mail too much, or if you are "bothering" me by calling. Don't worry about that."

So I don't. I got the message that she doesn't want me to dump all this important stuff through email, and then it doesn't really get talked about in session because i felt better after i wrote it, and didn't want to delve back in. This past week I wrote her a long email, but at the end I said "I DO want to talk about this in session." And we did.

LONG story short--there could be many reasons why this happened, and it doesn't make T a bad person, but maybe made a mistake? Stupid humans! He so so so so obviously cares about you and your health. So much. There will be a resolve to this Wepow, just don't give up, ok? Who konws whats going on with him. Maybe this has all coincided with some bad timing in his life too.

[WePow]

He went to a training and some old shrink told them it was exposing the client or some crap. All I know is that I feel like I had my one true safe place ripped from me.
Last night I realized what it felt like to have the grinch STEAL Christmas away. This was the first Christmas I actually was going around singing holiday songs from time to time. He said we needed to "talk" about it.. not that I couldn't. I was in a very bad place but today in a much darker place. And I have to play boss with my bosses out of the office. And I am working on no sleep and in total shell shock I think. I keep finding my head just shaking "NO!" when I am alone. The SU thoughts are very much trying to come back. But I am trying to just make it. I am not set up to see him until next Wed but I don't know if I can make it that long - I am not even sure I can make it another 8 hours in this internal place.

[WePow]

Well, I sent T that post I just did along with a little more - in email. So whatever. I will just have to see what happens. I am never one for listening to rules anyway. Too rebeleous. So why start now? I told him exactly what this felt like - like a very old and very deep would was just opened up with a chainsaw. Maybe he will hear what I am feeling. At least I tried.

[granite1]

((wepow))god that just sounds so crappy.i'm glad you are looking out for yourself and sening him that e-mail.is it at all possable to be able to see him sooner it is a lot that he dumped on you and wanting you to sit with,i have my fingers crossed that he will respond to your e-mail