[rainbow8]

Maybe this should have had a trigger. I don't know......

Since so many of us are missing our Ts this week and next, I wonder what it feels like. I know we say we miss them, but I want to know if I'm weird. I miss her in a physical way as well as emotional. I don't know why I feel more about her than anyone else, and why that happens with me and Ts.

It's the feeling like when you listen to certain music--that yearning feeling. Maybe it's what I felt for my H once. I don't know. It hurts to feel that way about my T. It's crazy, like in love crazy, but I'm not in love with her. What is it about therapy, anyway? This transference feeling is way too strong. Is it that yearning for Mommy feeling? It seems like more than that sometimes.

I can feel her with me, and remember how it feels when she held my hand. I know it's about unmet needs, but why is it the way it is? Why does T seem like the one I want when I know that's not true? Why do they let us feel so much for them? If we were T, would others feel that way about us?

[bpd mess]

I don't know what it is either, but I feel the same way. It's almost like an ache inside. Next week will only be the second time I've missed a week seeing my t in almost 2 years. At least it's my choice. I'm taking my boys to Boy Scout winter camp for the week.

[zooropa]

I mostly feel it in my stomach (where I feel most things, actually). It feels like a hollow ache in my gut and in my chest. It feels like tears pricking the backs of my eyes, not crying exactly but right before that.

That's how I feel it physically.

[seventyeight]

yes, yes, and yes! i feel the same way as you three. it's painful. it is like an achy yearning kinda thing, and it really sucks. a friend of mine asked me recently (after i told her i was having a hard time "saying goodbye" to my therapist), if it was the act of saying goodbye or the actual being apart that was hard.. i think i settled on the act of saying goodbye, even though it's a combination of both.

today, when my therapist and i were literally saying goodbye, i noticed our reflection in the mirror (prior to that, i didn't know there was a mirrored wall in her office) and i could see us hugging. it really stood out to me, and i'm still not sure what to make of it. if you had asked me before, i would have told you that when we hug (which is still a relatively new thing, and totally blows my mind that we even do) that she's there standing tall and i'm a big pile of mush in her arms. but the relection didn't show that, which surprised me. it was more like we were equals (aside from the fact that she's much taller). we were both "leaning in" the same amount, had the same amount of "softness" to us, and were both "hanging on" in the same way.

not sure if this is making any sense (or what my point is!), but i guess it made me feel a little bit like maybe, just maybe, she's going to miss me too. doubtful, i know, but i guess what i'm realizing is that there's a version in my head of things (as in, i'm totally needing her and she could care less) and the actual "reflection" is something all together different.

anyway rainbow, great post! very cool topic

[rainbow8]

This is what I mean about PC being so great. I feel so weird and pathetic about my T. People in RL would think I was crazy if they knew I had these feelings about a therapist. I still don't understand it and never will, I don't think. Maybe Freud should never have invented therapy! There's something too powerful about it. Why?

[granite1]

for me it is kind of a deep lonelyness that noone but my T can make go away.i dont know ant other words to describe it

[mixedup_emotions]

Rainbow, thanks for sharing this...and being so open about it here with us. I feel honored that you trust us with such deep and intimate stuff. I can relate to all of it, and I hate it. And just as I start to feel that way about T, I push it away and do everything in my power to make those feelings GONE. It's too painful to feel that way about him.

[chicken_wing]

I am not missing yet, as she leaves next week. I am still in the panic stage. I truly hope I don't have a mental breakdown.

[Brightheart]

I get that yearning feeling when I'm separated from anyone that I feel a bond with. Maybe it is stronger in therapy, though. It's attachment and very natural, I think. The purpose it serves was likely intended for parent/child relationships. It doesn't function in the same way when we're adults, but probably still feels the same. We're supposed to feel uncomfortable so we will seek out the person we're attached to. Child needs parent to survive so this mechanism is very important to keep a child safe. Separation distress. I like to think of it as a reminder that I'm bonded to this person.

[WePow]

When I am disconnected from my T, I feel like I am the only person out in space somewhere. It makes me feel very far away from myself and others. It feels like I was in a good dream where I felt connected but then woke up to find myself living inside a nightmare! It is a very bad emotion for me. It feels the way my childhood felt.

[Fartraveler]

My T is going away from now till the middle of January. AND she is going overseas. AND she said she won't have email (I am not sure I believe that, actually) and she also asked me not to call, because even if I don't leave a message, the calls will use up the tape on her answering machine.

So that is really big for me, because I call her and email her all the time.

Actually, I just feel sort of shut-down. Numb, maybe. I don't feel like I miss her, I feel like I don't even know her.

(And I never did ask her for a picture, even though I brought a camera to the last time.) (The topic never came up.) (And I brought some things to give her, but I didn't because it felt too weird.)

So, I actually don't feel like I am missing her a lot, and I feel like if she never comes back, it wouldn't matter much at all.

I get that this is most likely just a reaction, and probably not how I really feel. But frankly, I am grateful that I am feeling like this, because I have often been where I can't function at all if she's away, and am totally focused on her and miserable, and I prefer this.

-Far

[WePow]

(((((((((((Far))))))))) I think what you are feeling is natural for you in this situation. Our mind does whatever it had to do to survive. Going emotionally numb is a survival tool. It is one of the PTSD symptoms as well.

[rainbow8]

Far:

[Sunshine73]

Missing T is so hard. I hate it when I am feeling all of that. It is the strangest relationship I have ever had. Desperately need his love and care and yet he is a professional providing a service. I just can't seem to wrap my head around the whole thing. I am not sure who posted about people not understanding but it is so true - I tried to talk to a friend about T stuff and she is like - why do you have a T - you don't need a T. It is so frustrating!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

she also asked me not to call, because even if I don't leave a message, the calls will use up the tape on her answering machine.

Ouch. (((((((Fartraveler)))))))

[alcira]

I also feel this ache when I am missing my T (or anyone I feel so close to) and I am missing her terribly now. I absolutely hate this feeling. It can hurt so much and there is nothing you can do but wait and hope the feeling will dissipate. It makes me feel utterly helpless/powerless and that can become a source of anger and rage and despair.

[ballet_girl]

Thanks for posting this. I miss T so much and I've been crying about it...it helps to know that pretty much everybody else is going through this too

[zooropa]

I think me missing T feels like a baby or toddler does when their mother leaves. I also think that, for me, it comes from old, deep abandonment which has lead to me never feeling like I am a whole person without someone else to complete me. My mom, my siblings, my friends, my (now ex- )husband, my T...just someone.

I try to be gentle with that toddler in me. I am going through developmental stages now that I wasn't able to go through in the past because I wasn't safe and I was putting all my effort into staying alive and into trying to fill that big hole inside of me.

i don't know, i don't have a clue, just feel that when he gets to close i get soooo scared,

but he called last night and i was like a little kid, didn't answer his call though because i really didn't feel like going in and talking last night...

but again, the fact that he called, It made me feel "great"