[Confused_1982]

Reading zooplas thread got me thinking about what i want from t but dont get (even though i've just had to quit). My t is great and i couldnt imagine doing this with anyone else in the world but ive been seeing him for nearly 3years and he's never told me im special or the like. Dont get me wrong i do feel understood and held but i want mokre of what some of you guys get from a t. Maybe thats just certain ts ways of working and the way are naturally, but i was just wondering if this is how your t has always been with you or did you have to ask t for these things (like t calling u back after hours, oh holiday etc)? is is more to do with how t works or how the patient behaves towards t (asking for things and opening up)

Feeling a little jealous right now :-(

[velcro003]

Hi Confused!
My T is really great, but I don't think goes out of her way much more than "normal." Of course there is no way to define that. I would say my T is psychodynamic, leaning towards psychoanalytic type of therapist. She is nice, but more "clinical."

I've also seen her about 3 years (in Jan). I've never actually asked for anything from her specifically, I don't think--which may (probably) be my problem. She is not a warm and fuzzy, reassuring T--not to say she isn't kind, but she doesn't say "You are special, Velcro", but mostly its because I don't ask. She doesnt respond to my non-direct ways of asking her how I feel about her, and I ALWAYS interpret that silence as she doesn't like me.

Maybe one day I'll get the courage. But, just last week we were talking about some issues I have going on at work. Mainly that I'm "moody" and my moods are inconsistent to where they need to always be "on" and "happy." I work in customer service. So my T was telling me that this is why we are trying a different form of therapy, because my feelings that happen at work aren't because of work, it is "old stuff." (I don't necc. believe that...but anyway!) But she also said

"Velcro, your co-workers may be frustrated, but only because they don't know what kind of mood your in, it is not because you are some awful person. You are VERY likeable and easy to get along with."

I know that seems kind of silly, but she was saying it like she truly believes it about me, and that means a lot when I don't

So what I am trying to say is...(obviously) every T is different. My EMDR-T is more reassuring/provides positive affirmations more than my regular-T. But, they just are different. And I kind of love it that we all work together, because my T gets to see a different T in action. It can only help, I think!

As long as you feel like you are progressing, even at a SLOWWWWW rate (like me!), and that your T is there for you whle you are in that room together, that is what matters. I've had e-mail access to mine, but she told me I shouldn't use it (after two years) because I relied on it to tell her important stuff, and not in session. I can leave voicemails, but she won't call back unless I say "Please call back." And if so, I don't know exactly when.

I know my T treasures the face to face time. That is when he/she can see how you are reacting to what they are saying and you can give a voice (or try to) to what you feel.

I just rambled. sorry!

[mixedup_emotions]

T has offered me a lot of support that I've felt was above and beyond. He has told me things that helped me feel special. Offered things that seemed outside of his role (like accompanying me to a medical procedure and even being with me in the surgical room if it was permitted).

But there are still things that I don't get from T that I wish I had...but then when I think of having those things, I feel uncomfortable with the idea. So, maybe things are just the way it was designed to be, and I am ok with that. It still doesn't help the longing for more every once in a while...or the envy green monster that surfaces when I hear of others who have what I don't.

[zooropa]

I think it's a combination of factors. I'm in DBT, which requires phone contact between sessions. So that's not something I had to ask for, or something I ever had or wanted with any previous Ts.

Also, my T seems (to me) to be almost amazingly generous with herself. She not only allows and encourages phone calls, but she responds to my emails with long, meaningful replies. She texts me and responds to my texts. That's a lot of contact. I feel blessed to have that. And she is good at getting space for herself, for telling me when she's particularly busy or stressed or sick.

It's been a long, long journey, getting from where I was when I started seeing T 2 years ago to where I am now. You can see a lot of that process in my posts here over the last year. It has been painful and at times infuriating.

Probably what has helped the most is something I learned here: to ask for what I need. I have found, to my surprise, that if I ask T for something, she will provide it. I don't think I ever had that before in my life. I don't think it ever occurred to me that I had needs, that it is okay to have them, and that it is okay to ask for them to be met.

Now that that's sunk in, it's getting easier to figure out what my needs ARE. So, I can call T like I did today, and say "I need to know that I'm okay and you're coming home and I'll see you next week and everything will be okay."

T didn't feel like she could say "yes, everything will be okay", which I understand. Those are the kinds of things that we WANT to be true, but they aren't always.

So, that's how it works, for me. A lot of times it doesn't work. I make mistakes, and T makes mistakes, and life happens.

I'm sorry you're feeling jealous. I don't post about these things because I'm trying to brag. I post because it is the most healing relationship I have ever had, and I want to share that. I post because it's part of my journey.

[granite1]

i have never really called my T exsept once to cancel and she called me back.she lets me e-mail but that is only because i cant talk very easily and when i do she responds very short answers like we will talk about this and stuff like that .

[sunrise]

Confused, I don't get phone calls from my T or call or email him outside of session except to change appointments. (He has firm boundaries in place to separate therapy from his life outside of work.) But in therapy, my T is very warm and supportive. We often hug at the end of a session. He does make me feel special and he has treated me warmly and wonderfully since I began therapy with him. At first it made me uncomfortable to have someone be so nice to me, and I couldn't always tolerate it for too long at a time. I squirmed. I think he is just that way and will come close emotionally to a client if the client permits. I think I would not have felt so close to him if he and I were not a good fit. I think if a client and therapist can't grow close even after several years, partly it might be due to the therapist's approach, but part might be due to the "fit" between the pair. I don't remember asking my T for things from him, like hugs (we just started doing it at some point) or favors such as phone calls. He is very sensitive and often knows what will help me in session without my asking. This comes from his experience and his empathic ability. Like he sits quietly if I am sad, encourages me to cry, doesn't interrupt, is comfortable with silences, etc. There were times early in therapy when he asked, "what do you need from me right now?" and this was a good exercise for me, because I had never had to tell anyone what I needed before and didn't know how to do it. It can be scary! If I thought about it, I could sometimes know what I needed from him, usually "I need you to say X..." And usually he would say it.

Confused, if you go back to therapy, a good thing to practice is just telling your T, "I need you to...." It is good to know what your T's boundaries are so you don't inadvertantly ask for things that step on those boundaries. This can be tricky to navigate at first when you are still getting to know each other. Asking for what you need is really good practice for one's real life relationships.

[sugahorse1]

I've also often been in the position where I want to model my ideal T based on various things I really like about members' T's. But at the end of the day, your T is a also human and everyone is unique. T's do work differently.
My T is also of the psychoanalytical school, and very clinical. It took a lot of time and courage for me to finally write an e-mail to her to tell her how I needed her to be less clinical; how I needed to know I was cared for.
And she totally surprised me by understanding me. And to an extent opening up a bit, showing a softer side of herself. But I had to ask her direct.
And I think we (well, I can only really talk for myself) tend to be very guarded, for fear of being hurt or let down. So we'd rather not ask and possibly have to deal with a "no". But we are really kidding ourselves - we need to be honest and open, and aks for what we need
(((Confused))) - it'll get easier. If you have asked your T directly for what you need, and she cannot provide it, it may be time to move T's. But first analyse your request and determine if they are fair. A good T will be able to work through that with you too...

(((((((((((((confused)))))))))))))))

It took me a long, long, long time to learn to ask T for what I needed, and to trust that he wasn't just sitting there looking for an opportunity to get rid of me. Therapy was just gut-wrenching for a long long time.

I think over the years, we've both changed. I remember early in therapy he asked me what I needed and I said "I need you to pat me on the head and tell me you're proud of me" (I can't believe now that I said that at that point! lol) and he said "well, that wouldn't really fit within the boundaries of this relationship". Now, he tells me all the time that he's proud of me, and I know he is. T's are people...over time we both grow and learn and change.

Like zoo, I really do ask for what I need. And I am lucky that my T is very gentle and opening and generous with his Self. He is not afraid of loving me, and that has been hugely healing.

Boundaries are a huge deal for me, and I think I had to trust that there were FIRM boundaries before i would let the walls down enough to let him in. Now I find that the more I trust him, and the more I give of myself, the more he trusts me, and the more he gives of himself. It seems to flow both ways.

He would NEVER call me on a holiday or on his vacation unless it was a DIRE emergency, which, luckily, hasn't happened. But those boundaries don't change his caring for me.

((((((((((Confused))))))))))))) I think it can be hard to read about other people's therapy on here. I try to take what is useful, what I can learn from and apply, and let the rest go. Because everyone's therapy IS different, and that's okay. We all need different things.

[Omers]

My T is hard to explain. She uses systems theory mostly. She is, for the most part, very cold, clinical and distant. But after some of the recent disasters I had with other T's it was part of what I like about her. I can call to reschedual a session (and even that I can't do more than once/twice a year or she gets pissy) other than that it needs to be the last thing I have before going inpatient or she will not call back. Even when she does it is a cold conversation about what do I need to do to get myself in a position to go inpatient (get the dog to a kennel, find child care...) She is firm, blunt and direct and really doesn't care how I feel about what she has said but will talk to me about those feelings. 98% of the time if I ask for what I need I am told "I don't do that with/for my clients. Go find it somewhere else"... When she can though she will help give me ideas about where that someplace else may be. She was even the one who referred me to my massage therapist.
But then... just when I have settled into working with the ice queen she throws a monkey wrench in things... Her hugs at the end of the session (which she initiated but she did know in advance tht I am a hugger) are the most warm and genuine of any T I have ever worked with. The first time I went inpatient she gave me her home number... with very strict rules... but she did trust me to use it only the one time as she asked... although it is programmed into my phone and she does still block her number when calling from home. She does self disclose some... like I know she has two cats and used to have a horse... and I know there is a little stuffed grey cat in the cup holder of her car (????). Just not a lot of "warm fuzzy" interpersonal stuff. Therapy is about doing work and as soon as her door closes behind us that is all our time is about.
But... I will take her any day over most of the other T's I have worked with... They all ended up being warm and fuzzy, all encouraged my dependance on them and created a ton of transference that was not naturally there... And they all decided I was "too much" and sent me packing... ultimately doing FAR more harm than the original abuse itself... At least my abusers never asked me to trust them or implied they were trustworthy they just did what they were going to do.

Massage T is a whole nother creature but while she could have gotten a T license she got a massage license instead to give her more flexibility.

[with or without you]

never have really asked her for anything, other than to listen. I don't even mind if she doesn't get around to returning phone calls (although she does 95% of the time...I don't call her much though). The relationship is rock solid, I would say.

[Confused_1982]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I'm sorry you're feeling jealous. I don't post about these things because I'm trying to brag. I post because it is the most healing relationship I have ever had, and I want to share that. I post because it's part of my journey.

Zooropa, you don't have to be sorry - I am pleased that you have such a great relationship with your T. I just wish I did too.

[alcira]

I am not really sure how to describe my relationship with T. I think it varies. Lately I feel it has been mostly awkward. Not sure if it is just me or if it is her or if it is a little bit of both. I do e-mail her but usually just once after session, sometimes more. She said it was ok though I think she feels uncomfortable about it and would rather stop it but is probably concerned about my reaction. I don't have any phone contact. I think I've received a phone call from her once about rescheduling but that's it.

[WePow]

Well, my relationship in a nutshell is this:

1) T has been there for me the entire time - and in a very big way above and beyond the call of duty.

2) I often do not see how he is there and will not hear what he is saying due to my own severe trust issues.

3) T has excellent boundaries but is not a wall of stone and will listen to me and respond in the way that is in my best interest.

4) The more honest I am with my T about EVERYTHING, the easier it is for him to help me. I have to make myself be very clear about my needs. When I am finally clear enough on stating my needs, he always responds in some way that does guide me back into safe waters.

5) I love my T and am terrified of the level of trust I have in him - at the exact same time. But it is great to be able to have this relationship and find out that I am strong enough to go through big misunderstandings or disagreements and still stay afloat - even when it is feeling like I can't do it (yesterday).

[velcro003]

After I posted that long diatribe of my therapy last night...I had a great moment with my T. I had scheduled a work meeting with my boss regarding issues I'm having. I was SO nervous, and I realized as I was driving over there that this was the exact same nervousness that I get when I go to therapy. HMMMM. So my nervousness has something to do with "feelings"

I had a freak out few moments when first in the meeting with my boss--hiding behind my notebook, putting my head down, generally going "eeekkkk." She let me compose myself, and I actually TALKED about what I wanted to, WITHOUT CRYING. Which is huge for me, as for some reason I always cry in difficult meetings with her, and I am not a crier. I mean, I haven't cried once in 3 years of therapy.

It went well, and I was proud of myself for not shutting down or crying. I decided to call my T and leave her a voicemail to tell her so! Which is so big for me, and I hung up once because I was too scared. I called her back and said "T, I am actually calling you for something good! And I know by the time we see each other next, other things will have come up. I met with my boss today, and was so super nervous, and freaked out a little, but I did it! I didn't cry, so hooray for me. I decided that all these years of therapy have paid off, so THANKS "

I was nervous, but I thought that everyone likes to feel appreciated, and I certainly don't act like I appreciate my T--ever! I mostly spend my time being scared. She wrote me an e-mail later in the day thanking me for the message and was so glad it went well and was happy that we were starting off the holidays on a good note. She even signed it with the abbreviated version of her name, which she has never done.

I think I am finally starting to trust T a little bit more, and allowing some positive feelings to creep in every once in awhile. Its weird, but I think a good thing.

[WePow]

Velcro !!!! Way to GO !!!!!!

[rainbow8]

confused: I may be wrong but I think most Ts are not like a lot of the ones described in this forum. I know people who were in therapy and they saw their T for help, and didn't even have a particularly close relationship with them. I've seen 4 Ts before my current one and none of them told me I'm special or anything like that. They allowed me to call them but it wasn't excessive. Email wasn't around then! None of them touched me. Maybe it was my "fault" because I didn't have PC, but I never thought I could have a closer relationship. I also didn't allow myself to get that close to any of them, so I'm not sure what would have happened if I did. I know I asked one for a hug, but she didn't do hugs.

My relationship with my current T is different because SHE made it that way to start out with. She surprised me with a different orientation that allows more closeness and physical contact. I still had to ask, though. I asked about emails, and I know she'll write back even on a week-end sometimes. But I can't call her unless it's urgent. I know that she gives hugs. I know that she'll come and sit next to me if I want her to. But I didn't know those things at first.

She also told me she likes me, and in an email told me what she likes about me. She didn't say I'm special, though.

Every T is different, and many have strict boundaries about contact in between sessions. That's okay and doesn't mean they aren't good Ts. If you want more from your T, it's good to ask. Then you'll know her rules and philosophy. If you want to look for a T who has different boundaries, it's something you can ask if/when you see someone new.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by wepow

velcro !!!! Way to go !!!!!!

thanks! :d