[Christina86]

Mostly because my therapy attendance is pretty spotty lately due to a number of things.
But I've got an appointment tomorrow, with my former psychiatrist.
About a situation yesterday where I went to support a friend in her psychiatrist appointment. He was the psychiatrist. (For the record I stayed a grand total of maybe 10 minutes because I just wanted my friend to know that people cared about her. My friends had done the same thing to me a long time ago so I figured it might be of benefit for my friend to hear that from me, in that setting)...

As far as I can tell, he thinks I stepped over a boundary because he was my former psychiatrist. As far as I can tell... I did, but didn't. He's not my shrink anymore, hasn't been for four months now. There's only him at my university so all my friends who see a psychiatrist see him. So yeah, it's inevitable I'd run into him if I was supporting a friend. Which I *was*.

But he made a comment about my "hidden motives" for coming to the appointment. After discussion with my therapist, she told me to see him again to discuss this.

Basically all I really want to do is tell him to **** off. But that wouldn't be polite so I won't do that.

I just reallllllly need positive thoughts about this whole thing, because I don't have a good feeling about this at all. But the worst he can say is he never wants to see me again, and the feeling would be mutual at this point. I've moved on from my university and am in college now, so whatever.

Frig. The things I do to help and support my friends...

[zooropa]

lots of positive thoughts and pocket riders to go with you, Christina. Please let us know how it goes.

[WePow]

Christina, as you already know, sometimes people project their own motives onto others. T's do it too ;-) You know your heart. You know what you were there to do and THAT is what matters. That T is only a human who can have transference just as easy as the next person.

That session was about your friend. Your friend was the one in charge of the session - period.

Go into your session and be frank and honest about the facts.
You have grown so much through the years and are a VERY strong person - and you know that. I know it is not easy to wonder what will happen with this, but you know that regardless of what happens, you know the truth. And YOU will be able to sleep at night because you did what was right.

[Ygrec23]

Christina86 said: "As far as I can tell, he thinks I stepped over a boundary because he was my former psychiatrist." And she also said: "But he made a comment about my "hidden motives" for coming to the appointment."

Christina,

Of course I have no idea about his tones of voice or body language, but from what you've said that I've quoted above I don't know that you even have to start out either defensive or antagonistic. Of course it may wind up that way but from what you've stated I don't know that he's necessarily asserting a wrong on your part, as opposed to questionable judgment or even just something that he doesn't understand. Why be defensive at all? You're pretty sure you were in the right. You know that if attacked you've got good grounds for defense. I don't see why you should have any negative anticipations at all. Just take it as it comes. You can take care of yourself. Take care!

[ECHOES]

I hope it will be relieving and helpful to find out more about what his thoughts are.

So, he thinks you just wanted to see him? And that is your hidden motive?

Would that be so terrible if that was part of what you felt?

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by zooropa

lots of positive thoughts and pocket riders to go with you, Christina. Please let us know how it goes.

Thanks for the hugs

Originally Posted by WePow

Christina, as you already know, sometimes people project their own motives onto others. T's do it too ;-) You know your heart. You know what you were there to do and THAT is what matters. That T is only a human who can have transference just as easy as the next person.

That session was about your friend. Your friend was the one in charge of the session - period.

Go into your session and be frank and honest about the facts.
You have grown so much through the years and are a VERY strong person - and you know that. I know it is not easy to wonder what will happen with this, but you know that regardless of what happens, you know the truth. And YOU will be able to sleep at night because you did what was right.

Thanks. I just don't want my friend to be hurt by this, because it's a complicated issue. She has problems with boundaries which she's working on, I've had boundary issues too. Which ticks me off, because now I'm wondering if I've crossed a boundary that I shouldn't have. (I'm good with boundaries with professionals, and those in authority. I'm not so good with boundaries when it comes to my friends, and especially my family). But I don't regret going though - because she said she appreciated it, knowing that someone cared enough to come. That makes me feel happy, but I do worry how much of an issue this is going to be with the freaking shrink.

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Christina86 said: "As far as I can tell, he thinks I stepped over a boundary because he was my former psychiatrist." And she also said: "But he made a comment about my "hidden motives" for coming to the appointment."

Christina,

Of course I have no idea about his tones of voice or body language, but from what you've said that I've quoted above I don't know that you even have to start out either defensive or antagonistic. Of course it may wind up that way but from what you've stated I don't know that he's necessarily asserting a wrong on your part, as opposed to questionable judgment or even just something that he doesn't understand. Why be defensive at all? You're pretty sure you were in the right. You know that if attacked you've got good grounds for defense. I don't see why you should have any negative anticipations at all. Just take it as it comes. You can take care of yourself. Take care!

Thanks for the feedback! You're right, of course. He did make a comment about wanting to know about my "hidden motives". My hidden motive was that I cared about my freaking friend. I could care less that it was with him, or anyone else for that matter. I guess I should have thought it through more, but my other friends did the EXACT same thing with me (in a session with him!) and he seemed to think it was great and wonderful. I'll try to go in open minded, I do tend to get really defensive and I don't think that would go over well.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I hope it will be relieving and helpful to find out more about what his thoughts are.

So, he thinks you just wanted to see him? And that is your hidden motive?

Would that be so terrible if that was part of what you felt?

Part of me does like seeing him. But honestly, he told me I could call him if I ever needed anything and I haven't. Why? Because he's a shrink who isn't MY shrink anymore. I just like seeing nice people? Blah. I knew the session wasn't about me, I was fine with that. If only the he would actually get a referral done for me to see another shrink, I'd be happier with him overall. (Okay, that's not his fault. Wheelchair accessibility is hard to find apparently for a shrink's office. Go figure) Thanks for your thoughts


I'm just agitated because I know he wants to chew me out for something, but not quite sure WHAT. Oh well, we shall see tomorrow!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Christina86

As far as I can tell, he thinks I stepped over a boundary because he was my former psychiatrist.... But he made a comment about my "hidden motives" for coming to the appointment.

Why do you think he thinks you stepped over a boundary? Is it because of the hidden motives comment, or did he tell you that you were stepping over a boundary? Did he comment on boundaries and hidden motives to you while you were there with your friend? If so, I think that is very unprofessional of him and perhaps stepping over a boundary himself. This is your friend's appointment, not yours. And I hope he didn't comment on your hidden motives to your friend when she was alone with him. That is even worse! He shouldn't be talking about former clients to new clients. Perhaps he phoned you up after the session and told you this?

Why are you seeing him tomorrow? Did he request it? It sounds like this is more his issue than yours. You know why you were there with your friend and don't need clarification on that. It is not up to you to pay money to this former pdoc so that he can get clear on what happened. If he is giving you the appointment free, that might be OK, but he should not expect you to pay for his time to clear up his own questions. He is not your pdoc anymore. If he just wants to get clear on this, how about if you phone him briefly and say something like this: "hey, I got the impression that you thought I accompanied my friend for a reason other than just to support her. Is that right? If so, I just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding. I was there just to support my friend, not to see you again or get therapy from you. Thanks for your concern." End of story. Should take 3 minutes. If he thinks you need more information on his boundaries, he can tell you at that time--hopefully, very briefly! And if it turns out he was talking about you to your friend, you can use this opportunity to ask him to please not talk about you to his clients (unless she is the one to raise the topic).

I just find it very strange he is reacting like this and somehow has got you to schedule an appointment with him. I think pdocs and therapists are skilled enough that if a person shows up to accompany a friend to an appointment, and the pdoc/T doesn't want them there, they can graciously transition to a one-on-one session in very short order, without making a fuss about it.

Originally Posted by Christina86

Frig. The things I do to help and support my friends...

Christina, you did a nice thing to support your friend. You do not have to see this pdoc again.

Originally Posted by Christina86

I just don't want my friend to be hurt by this

Your friend need not know another thing about this, or that you plan to talk to the pdoc.

Good luck with this.

[Christina86]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Why do you think he thinks you stepped over a boundary? Is it because of the hidden motives comment, or did he tell you that you were stepping over a boundary? Did he comment on boundaries and hidden motives to you while you were there with your friend? If so, I think that is very unprofessional of him and perhaps stepping over a boundary himself. This is your friend's appointment, not yours. And I hope he didn't comment on your hidden motives to your friend when she was alone with him. That is even worse! He shouldn't be talking about former clients to new clients. Perhaps he phoned you up after the session and told you this?

He made a comment how this (my being there) was possibly crossing a boundary. He also questioned whether or not I had a hidden motive while there! Yeah, I found it unprofessional. Apparently my friend learned a lot though about boundaries though from our conversation... Go figure. Maybe this was (is?) all a ruse to get my friend to learn about boundaries. Did I *want* to be there with my friend? Well, not really. But I felt obliged to help her out since I do think she needs it.

He just said he thought I might have a hidden motive, and we "wanted to discuss this further, we could make an appointment" or that I could discuss this with my therapist. (I had said I was on my way to a T appointment after while there because my friend asked). I told him no at the time, I didn't want to discuss it (discuss what? I didn't have a clue).

So I discussed it with my therapist. Along with my ninetybillion other issues. I like my T, she charged me only for an hour appointment but talked to me for another half hour. Anyhow, she said that if I felt emotionally up to it I should take the pdoc up on the offer and discuss this issue with him. (Once again, don't have a clue what this appointment tomorrow will look like. Just that he's pissing me off at this point). She said to say it like it is - that I was there to support my friend, that I realize it may not have been the best idea, but that I did and that's the end of the story. I also have a feeling that the pdoc doesnt know half of what is going on with my friend, and I'd *love* to shed some light on that... but I think in the interest of my sanity and not getting anymore emeshed in this whole thing that I'll keep my mouth shut unless specifically asked a question or given express permission by my friend. So I'll respect the boundaries of friendship and the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship and all that nice stuff. While still maintaining my sanity...

If he just wants to get clear on this, how about if you phone him briefly and say something like this: "hey, I got the impression that you thought I accompanied my friend for a reason other than just to support her. Is that right? If so, I just wanted to clear up any misunderstanding. I was there just to support my friend, not to see you again or get therapy from you. Thanks for your concern." End of story. Should take 3 minutes. If he thinks you need more information on his boundaries, he can tell you at that time--hopefully, very briefly! And if it turns out he was talking about you to your friend, you can use this opportunity to ask him to please not talk about you to his clients (unless she is the one to raise the topic).

That would have been a great idea had I thought about it. I was tempted to leave him a voicemail message telling him something along those lines, but I decided that maybe doing that would not be wise. So I'll go to this damn appointment and figure out what the hell he wants...

Oh, and seeing him is free. Actually, seeing a psychiatrist in Canada is free completely. Covered under provincial healthcare at least in Ontario. But the wait list to see one is usually long... but he's employed by my former university to do pdoc stuff for students and staff. Which I am neither anymore but whatever... his problem not mine!

I should've known that my friends seeing my former pdoc would be complicated. It's so damn hard to maintain confidentiality in some places like that...

I thought I was doing a good thing, but maybe this will make things worse for helping my friend understand boundaries. Since I clearly have some issues to work out interpersonally with boundaries sometimes myself.

Thanks for your response

[mixedup_emotions]

Good luck with your appointment tomorrow, Christina! You may want to consider just letting him talk and see what he wants to know. Answer honestly, and perhaps you will both learn something fruitful. Please post an update when you can!

[sunrise]

Christina, how did your meeting with your pdoc go? I hope you survived! And that you and your pdoc reached understanding.

[Christina86]

Christina survived! It actually went well. I did tell him I wanted to tell him to **** off. He laughed because he knew I wouldn't have done it.

We did reach an understanding, with him saying specifically why he wanted to see me, and me saying specifically why I bothered to come to the appointment.

Yeah, it did have to do with boundaries. He thought that I was doing something that was unhealthy for me, being as I am codependent. Point well taken, because I did feel it probably wasn't the greatest idea. But we just talked about me mostly. How I was adjusting to my college program, about my tendency to pick people to hang out with that are emotionally messed up (it is true, I don't have a lot of emotionally healthy people in my life) and then we talked about my grades! I did realllllllllly well in college this semester.

I do have to thank each and every one of you for your thoughts, it's a lot to take in and think about. He apologized for what he had said, after I told him it bugged me that he thought I had a hidden agenda. I apologized for how I came into this meeting between my friend and him. I also apologized to my friend as well actually.

I did tell him I talked about him on this website, I do hope he doesn't decide to take a look. He actually fit me in to see him, as his last client before he was going on vacation! Gotta admit that made me feel special.

I was expecting him to be angry with me. Which is irrational, but still. I did tell him what I thought about my friend, but I do realize it's her therapy and that if she wants to discuss some stuff she'll do it whenever she wants to.

I do find his interpretation of things interesting... I always pick very flawed people to hang out with. Mostly because I like helping people and the "flawed" people don't turn friends away. Now if I was going for the people who seemed perfect, that would be another story...

Anyhow, thanks to each one of you for commenting. Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays and all that nice stuff