Like I mentioned in my other thread, I was SO anxious about therapy today. I managed to stay busy all morning up until the second I got to therapy (5 minutes late because I ran an errand on the way). I told him right away that I was anxious, and we talked about it a little. He was asking some questions and I COULD NOT STAY PRESENT. He would ask a question, I would try to think about it, my mind would go completely blank, and I could feel myself drifting away. I guess I felt kind of half-present. I did tell him how frustrating it was. I feel like there is some part of me trying to keep me safe, and then there is ME, who wants to do the work, and it's this awful internal battle right now, and I can't get anything done in session. We did talk about different ways of approaching it - just accepting it, etc. But, ugh. I hated it, and even though I was trying to stay grounded (feet on the floor, sitting up), I couldn't.

I don't know why, but I told him I wanted to make a list of all of the things about therapy that suck. And write it down. He was like "literally? you want to write it down?" and I did, so I got his little white board and he came and sat with me.

We ended up making a list of 11, and we left blanks before each one so we could go back and rank them. I thought of some, and T thought of some, both from his experience as a T and as a client. At the top, it said "Tree and T's 11 top reasons that therapy sucks" There was a little bit of extra room on the side, so we added three things that we like about therapy in a separate, tiny list. We went back and numbered the reasons it sucked from 1 to 11.

When we were done, I told him we should go through and find a counter-argument for each one. So we did - we went through them line by line and both of us would give what we thought was the "other side". Like, one of our "reasons therapy sucks" was "too much truth". We talked about how much energy it takes to keep the truth buried, and how facing the truth helps us become our authentic selves. That kind of thing.

T LOVED the list. The funny thing is, before we started, I said "I'm going to make a list of the reasons therapy sucks. I'm going to spray paint it on your walls to warn your other clients" lol. When we were done, T said "I wish I knew calligraphy or something, because I would totally rewrite this and hang it up somewhere". At the end of session, I got ready to erase it and he told me not to. He said he thinks he's going to spray something on it so it can't be erased and just bring in a new white board to use in his office. He REALLY liked the list. Which is cool

MY number one reason therapy sucks is "You don't get to be T's favorite". (that wasn't his number 1, it wasn't even on his list, but I got to be in charge). While we were going through with our counter arguments, we would read the reason therapy sucks, and then T would say "and the flip side is....?" and we would say what we thought it was. When we got to "you don't get to be T's favorite", T said "and the flip side is...?" and I said "I don't know" and he said "And the flip side is.....?". And I couldn't bring myself to say it out loud. That *I* am T's favorite? I just changed the subject and talked about what I say to my kids when they ask who my favorite is. But...What if I AM T's favorite?! It makes me feel like and and .

I called and thanked him after session for letting me do what I needed to do. It was a good way to reconnect, and to work through stuff that's been bothering me about therapy, and to have a really honest conversation with T, and for both of us to talk about what we like and don't like about therapy, and for me to stay present and grounded. It was good.

I see him again on Thursday. I don't know why I have two sessions scheduled this week, but I do. I'm glad, I think.

Thanks for listening. I just had to share all of that with the only people I know who will "get it"

[googley]

(((((((Tree)))))))

That sounds like such a wonderful session. I am so happy that you were able to connect with T and do what you needed to be able to stay grounded in session.

I think it is so cool that he is keeping your list.

[bpd mess]

that is soooo cool! it just makes me grin.

[rainbow8]

Wow!! That sounds like such a cool thing to do in a session!!! I'm glad it helped you, tree.

Any chance you'd be willing to share the list here, at least some of the others. Or, I suppose I could start another one of "those kinds of threads!!" I like Ts idea of the flip side of each one.

That he wants to keep the list is super-cool!!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

Tree, you squeeze my tears out. this was absolutely wonderful.

thank you so much for sharing. Yr T is one in a million (and y'ain't so bad y'ownself)

[SpiritRunner]

I love that! It sounds like you have a great T...how awesome that he was able to roll with what you needed to do today and be flexible and innovative with therapy.

[WePow]

T R E E !!!

I can't find an icon to show how WONDERFUL your post is!!!!!!!!
This is just totally above and beyond awesomeness wrapped in gold!

[mixedup_emotions]

((( Tree )))

What an AWESOME way to reconnect with T...and such an honest and enlightening session for both of you!!

[Chronic]

I love this post! Sounds like a great session for you and t

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Any chance you'd be willing to share the list here, at least some of the others.

I can't remember all of them, but I remember some...

Time/Money
Feeling big feelings - good and bad
Therapist doesn't care (about client) <- that was mine
Other people don't care (about therapy) <- that was Ts
Too much truth
Hard to stay present
Confusing
Feeling scared
Therapist disappears (on weekend, etc) <- that was mine too lol

There were others that I can't remember right now.

It was interesting to see how different my issues and T's issues around therapy were. For example, he didn't have any of the worries about the therapeutic relationship with his therapist that I have with mine. His issues were totally different. But we could totally agree on things like too much truth, feeling big feelings, being scared, etc.

Our three "things that are good about therapy" were
Unlearning old messages <- mine
Unlearning old behaviors <- mine
Authentic self <- his

He laughed and said that if someone saw the list, they would think the therapist wrote the "good" list just to make therapy look better. But the good list is as true as the bad list. It's ALL true, in some ways.

[granite1]

what a great project i would love to have the guts to do this in therapy i bet my T would love it