huge, HUGE trigger

I can't believe this is happening. I am in the twilight zone. My t is gone until next Monday and I have to just get this out there. I had Christmas at my parents in the midst of a major depression. (no sleep, no eating, you all know)

I had an appointment with t on Friday just proccessing how terrifying the holidays were when I grew up because of the abuse and alcohol and how we just had to act like nothing was wrong. How my parents would fight so bad and then take a break so us kids could open gifts. We would have to come out from our rooms and act like nothing was wrong and open our presents while my dad was drunk and my mom and him were fighting. Then after the hour of faking "happy" they would go back at it and we would go to our rooms to try not to listen but always scared of what was happening. We talked about just getting through the day and how things are different and I am not a small child anymore etc. So here I am all pepped up and ready to go handle Christmas with the fam.............

My mom told me the night before but nothing could have prepared me for what I saw. My brother and sister-in-law (and kids) came over Christmas morning and my sister-IL's face was beaten so bad. Her left eye was swollen shut and her right looked really bad as well. Her whole face from her cheekbones up was one whole swollen black and blue mask. They had gotten into a domestic two nights before and she hit my brother and he hit her back. But it was not just one hit back. He hit her with all his might.

I started to cry. My mom just sat there a stirred the gravy. Nothing was mentioned. It was unreal. I can't believe that we could carry on Christmas Day like we did.

I haven't stopped eating since. I think I shoved over a dozen sugar cookies in my face yesterday. Today not much better; 6 pieces of licorice, a truffle, cheese its, pizza, cereal. I went from not being able to eat for over two weeks (due to depression relapse) to not being able to stop.

My t is gone. I don't even know if I want to tell him anything when he comes back because it just feels like a betrayal of my family. It won't be spoken about again in our house. I might explode from stuffing my face but other than that it will just get filed with the other Christmases.

I cry when I think about t and how lucky his kids are to have him and how special I know he makes their holidays. I don't want to let him in on the ugly side to my Christmas.

That's a terrible story; I'm sorry you had to see such awful evidence of abuse and participate in the family silence. I understand how everyone could fall into the familiar patterns of pretending nothing bad is happening; it's a lesson you all learned so very well.

I hope you will tell your T when you meet again. It is important to debrief something like that and decide what, if anything, you will do now or in the future in regards to the brother and SIL. Your T is there exactly for times like these. Bringing this in to session gives him a chance to really do his job, think of it that way!

I hope you can do some more self-soothing in the next few days. That must have been shocking and scary.

(((((((((((kacey)))))))))))))

I am SO sorry

I really really really get the feeling of not wanting to tell T because you feel like you are betraying your family. There are things I am just starting to talk about for that exact reason, and it's just HARD.

But. We are not trapped in our childhoods anymore. Holding this stuff, letting it bounce around in our heads, having to stuff our feelings, all of that - is a betrayal to our Selves. You don't deserve that. You are important, your feelings matter. You deserve to be heard and cared for and validated.

So many ((((((((((hugs))))))))))) to you.

Kacey, I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say except you are in a safe place here. We will get you through until T gets back.

Kacey2 I am so sorry you are surrounded by such outrageous and extreme unhealthiness.

You are like an oasis in a desert. I'm so glad you choose to go another direction and that you choose to get help with that in therapy. Of course tell your therapist all of this if you can, what it was like for you, how you imagined his holiday and felt jealous. There is nothing wrong with feeling jealous, it's just a feeling and it says something about you that is good: that you want a better life and healthy close fulfilling relationships for yourself.

Kacey, poor poor you. This sounds terribly hard. I'm so glad you are away from this situation now. Can you be very gentle with yourself and go back to basics in terms of how you manage the days until your T comes back? Thinking of you.

((((((((((Kacey))))))))) wow. I am so sorry this was your holiday. It stinks.
I think you deserve a Do-Over sometime next month for just YOU! Something extra special where you can enjoy something just for you. Ugggg - I am sorry that happened this year. Keep writing about it - it may help to just process it.
Why do people have to act that way? ((((((Kacey)))))

Kacey, your family is not you. You don't have to act the way they do. Maybe someday they will get help, but now is your time.

And telling everything to the T is exactly what T is for. If you can't talk about it you can't heal it together. Please do it.

wow i can only say i am so sorry you had to go through that.(())

Thanks Guys. It is going to be so hard not to just bury this and not say anything to t. I just wish that I had never seen that. I can't believe how bad she looked. I couldn't even talk to my brother but then again last week I told t that my parents are together but at what price? My bro is an alcoholic and I am a borderline mess of emotions. That is what my brother learned. One can not deny that. And for me, a reminder of what an invalidating environment we had. Just stirring the gravy not one word said. Boy did that trigger me. I sure wish t's had a golden rule where they didn't take a week off at Christmas time. It is such a tough time because of all the family gatherings. I hope that I feel better by the time he gets back and this is just old business.

Kacey2, I am really sorry you had to witness this and during this time. I think you should really talk to your T about it and not just bury it. These are the sort of things that come back at us later. Hope you are staying safe.

(((((((((((Kacey))))))))))) Sweetie, it is like the others have said, share with t, he needs to know.... sending safe hugs

I broke down at work at the end of my shift in the locker room and started crying. I told another nurse (one that is older and I tell her a lot of stuff) what happened. Now I feel so stupid. I can't believe I let that slip. I definately don't like to let that sort of personal stuff out at work. I trust her that she won't repeat it but I still am mad at myself for you know, like cracking or something. I am upset because I am just going through a time capsule today, sometimes I feel 8 years old and back to old Christmases and other times I am just reliving looking at my SIL's mutilated face from last weekend. I sure wish I didn't have to go another week without my t. I am really in a mess right now.

(((((((((((((kacey)))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you have to keep going through this without your T.

I spent years and years not telling anyone anything about my childhood, or about what things are like now with my mom and her alcoholism. I was SO TRAINED to not tell, and if I told anyone ANYTHING, I just felt icky. I wanted the words back. I felt too vulnerable.

But I'm slowly learning that telling the right person something can be such a good thing. Now I HAVE told a couple of my friends about my mom's alcoholism, and somehow, it's taken the shame away a little bit. They haven't run around and told other people, or changed in their attitude towards me, or used it against me. They just know, and I can say something in passing about my mom and they get it and they still love me.

Be gentle with you. You needed to tell someone. It goes against everything we've been taught when we tell, but we NEED to go against everything we've been taught.

Thinking of you, ((((((((kacey))))))))

((((( kacey )))))

I am glad that you confided in someone about this. It's a huge burden to carry yourself.

I recall shortly after my ex and I split up, shortly after I started individual therapy with my T, witnessing something very, very triggering to me....and I remember the spiraling, the panic, the sadness....so so awful. I remember it being suggested to me to do some physical things to help release the energy that was being accumulated from the emotional turmoil. Is there some form of exercise that you can do to help you? Also, keeping busy helped me pass the time until I saw T again. Confiding in close friends was also something that I needed...but I didn't have at the time....Well, actually, I did have the friends - I just didn't confide in them. Building a good support system around you is key.

((( safe hugs )))