I had therapy today.

I went in and started talking to T and I was SO AWARE of watching someone talk to T while I hung out in the background. I had this awareness of it, but there was nothing I could do about it. And it seemed like the person talking to T was *me* - she was JUST like me on the outside, in this kind of one-dimensional way...but I knew that *I* was just watching. I didn't feel in control of the conversation, but it was stuff that I wanted to talk to T about (learning to stay in a calmer place) and chit chatty stuff (Christmas) and stuff going on with my kids.

But it was kind of awful, not really being there. The watching part of me just wanted to get OUT of there.

Something happened...T said something...and something shifted and the watching part of me was finally the only one there, and the talking part was gone. I told T what had happened. We were there for AN HOUR with me not really being there I felt SO SO SO SO ungrounded - like I was dreaming - and told him I needed to walk outside for a minute. So, I literally left the office, went outside, and looked at the sky and breathed.

When I came back in, I felt a little more grounded and we talked about what happened. We are finally talking about the stuff that happened with my mom, and I think it's triggered this part of me that I had to create to go live my giant lie of a life at school while Real Me hung in the background. I guess I couldn't deal with all of the lying I had to do, so I created someone else to do it for me.

I realized how often I feel like that in real life - like there is talking me, and I am just watching her.

It made me cry I felt SOOOO disappointed and hopeless. I really wanted to go in there today and feel like I was moving forward, and it felt like just the opposite. T said that it's a deeper level of healing, and that just like I got through everything else and integrated it (for the most part), I'll get through this. But I think it sucks. I think it sucks sucks sucks. I want to be DONE. I want to focus on moving forward and having hope and being a mom and accepting myself. Not on the **** my mom did, and on integrating this stupid stupid other part of me. Ack. ACK.

I guess I feel really upset. I just want to be done. Not done growing and learning...I always want to do that...but done diving deeper into the muck, done discovering other parts of myself, done done done done.

[Yesterdays]

Hey,

I'm really sorry you didn't have the greatest session with your T. I can understand why what happened was hard for you, and it sounds like there's a lot of complicated things going on right now, and even if it's not easy to admit it to yourself the answers to your problems might be tied into your past.

I think sometimes our natural instinct is to try and forget about the past when it's hard for us. We think we can run away from it, get over it, and not let it effect who we are today. But the difficult thing to come to terms with is that the past did happen, and sometimes you have to sort through it before you can learn to have a better future.

Therapy can be hard, and sometimes it involves talking about things and discovering things we really don't want to. Delving into your past is going to be difficult, but when you grow as a person and learn to live your life more normally it will begin to feel worth it.

I would also talk to your T about your agitation or fear of talking about the past, and let him know it's uncomfortable for you. That way he'll know to be careful when you get on the subject of your mother and past events, and he'll give you more time and make sure you're really ready and prepared to talk things through.

I wish you the best of luck. You're in my thoughts.

Thanks, (((((((yesterdays))))))

I've actually been with T for 3 years so we've worked through a lot of past trauma. I think that is why I want, SO badly, to be "done". I want to just decide "I'M DONE" but my brain won't let me, and it's so frustrating and hopeless

Thank you for replying...it helps to know someone is listening.

[Christina86]

Treehouse, if we all could just be done therapy that would be awesome! I hate having to work through my issues, it's like a never-ending struggle or ball of yarn - you pull one thread and the entire thing unravels. But there's way more than one thread you can pull to unravel a ball of yarn sometimes...

I'm sorry your session wasn't what you wanted it to be, and dissociating like that really can suck.

Tree, sorry it was so rough and having a tough time with the connection... it is hard when we need one thing and feel like we are getting the opposite. t is always there for you email what you need him to say .... sending safe hugs

[WePow]

((((((((((Tree))))))))))))

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( Tree ))))

It's great that you were aware of that and are able to address it with T....all part of the process, right? Ugh.

[Sannah]

This is moving forward Tree, it just feels bad. You will get to the other side of this just like you have with all of the other stuff that you have worked on. I'm sorry that you still have this to work on. It will be worth it, though.

I'm in such a spiral. Just having a really really hard time. My mom spent 18 years telling me how ugly and stupid I am, how much she hates me, that I'm a *****, that if I tell anyone what happens at home, including my dad, she'll kill me.

I've spent 3 years in therapy working on CSA crap and really feeling like I was healing, but avoiding the mom stuff. I felt like "Hey! The CSA was all I really needed to work on - the mom stuff wasn't a big deal after all"

And now here I am, somehow faced with the ****ing mom stuff. And all of those old messages are bouncing around in my head and feel like the TRUTH.

I'm just spiraling down into so much yuck. I *know* I'll get to the other side of this, but I don't know when or how, and it's just so hard to accept where I am right now.

[WePow]

Treehouse - wow. That is so hard when those old recordings come back to haunt us. It makes me so angry when I hear the old stuff and I feel too little again.

You have done such awesome work. It is not easy for you to have come this far. You have done it though. You are doing very well. It can take a while to get through all the junk, but you are doing it. BIG safe hugs for you!

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( TREE )))))

It's so so so hard to deal with those old tapes....Going through it feels awful...SO awful. I haven't faced ANY of mine fully, too painful...so I admire how much work you've done and how you're still working so hard to get to a better place. But while you're in the thick of it, it feels horrible and feels like it'll never get better....but it will.

Post as much as you need to, if it will help. Reach out to T if you need to. And please use the resources that you have in order to stay grounded and present when you feel yourself emmersed in the yuck.

((( HUGS )))

[Kacey2]

Hi Tree,
I just wanted to give you a gentle reminder that toddlers fall many times before they are steady on their feet. You are doing very challanging things especially talking about the mom stuff. It is so understandable how hard this is. A mom is supposed to be the closest person and rolemodel for a child. The most influential person in a childs life. When people hurt us the closer they are to us the deeper the wound. Please try to think of this a exposure. It may not go as you had invisioned but you are doing it. Your t is your guide and he will help you to reorientate to being in the present and not just watching. You are very understanably protecting yourself. Be gentle and soothing. One step back and two wobbly steps forward. It's something like that Tree.

[Christina86]

Tree, had to comment again. Sorry!

Wow. You amaze me. Seriously, dealing with CSA is hard enough (haven't even started yet really for me!) but then dealing with mom issues and other abuse stuff and the tapes we play in our heads... you amaze me. You'll get through it. One day at a time and all that.

If our Mom's knew how messed up they make us, would they stop ****ing with our heads? Maybe? Possibly?

T sent me an e-mail. In it, he said: here is a big ol' "grab the line and hang on, come upwards and not downwards."

It helped some. Like...I'm not really going to go under...T saw me sinking and threw me a rope. And T is holding onto the other end of the rope, and he'll keep my head above water until I can do it myself.

I just hope I can learn to do it myself.

[WePow]

Tree, you are learning how to do it yourself. Just think of how many years it takes a parent to raise a child - almost twenty! Therapy and re-learning these vital skills in a healthy way takes time as well. You are doing great.

[granite1]

tree this stuff must be so hard for you .i know it is because i know how hard it is for me.you have an amazing T and an amazing drive to move foward with your life i know you will get through this even if now it is just full of yuck.sending big hugs and all

I had a dream last night (a LOT of dreams, actually, but this one feels most significant).

I dreamt that I lived in a huge castle. A scary, evil queen ruled over everyone. Everyone in the world lived there, or it seemed like it. There wasn't an outside world that we knew of. There were lots and lots of rooms, and most of them had certain types of people living in them - so like one room would have all people who looked a certain way, or all people who acted a certain way or whatever.

Life was kind of going on and we were scared of the queen but getting by, and we slowly started to realize that there was someone who was going to come and save us, and that she was somewhere inside the castle. We started looking for her, because we wanted to hide her from the queen...there was a lot of secrecy and whispering. The queen started to realize something was going on and got really angry and demanded that the girl (the person who was going to save us turned out to be a girl) be brought to her, but we all acted like we didn't know anything about it.

I finally found the girl. She was in a room being protected by a group of cartoon women who all looked like the queen from Alice in Wonderland. They had raised her since she was a baby and kept her hidden. She came out of the room with me.

She and I started walking around the castle, but I had to keep her in the shadows because we had to keep her hidden still. We started running into people I know (now, in real life), and I was talking to them but hiding her at the same time.

At the end of the dream, I realized that she had come too soon - that somehow the past and the present were running into each other, and that if we didn't hide her, she might somehow end up not existing....like in Back to the Future, where Michael J. Fox could affect whether or not he'll ever end up being born. So, I hid her in a closet behind a bunch of stuff. She looked just like me. I think that's when I woke up.

Some other things happened but I can't remember what they were...but that's the general outline. I guess it feels like the castle is my mind, and the rooms contain all of the parts of me. And it feels like the person who came to save them was tied into what happened in session yesterday - because there was so much of the dream where I was walking around with her, and she looked like me, and I was interacting with everyone and keeping her hidden in the shadows.

The dream made me feel a little bit hopeful...like maybe she is the last puzzle piece. Although I'm not sure what that even means exactly.

[sittingatwatersedge]

my goodness Tree, this iis a phenomenal dream!!!! Could the girl be your true self..... you are getting closer all the time.... hugs my dear friend

[Sannah]

My thoughts on your dream are that the evil queen is your mother and that you are scared of her. You are the one who will save yourself from this situation and your mother. You are keeping yourself hidden from the world and your mother.