[Thimble]

My therapist told me before I started seeing him that he often runs late with appointments. He doesn't believe in abruptly ending a session if a client is working through something important or if a client is seriously distressed (he wants to ground them before they leave). He told me I would be afforded the same courtesy.

I have been seeing him for a year. He most always runs 10-15 and sometimes 20 minutes late. My situation is such that I am stuck in a rut so I am never in a crisis or working through something - ie I am never "worthy" of extra time. I also have intense anxiety at being in sessions (which the therapist knows) so from the moment I arrive, I just want to get out of there (even though the second I leave, I wish it wasn't over and wish the next appointment wasn't so far away). My sessions always end "on time" (or a few minutes early) - or if he started really late, I might run a couple of minutes over the scheduled ending time - ie, my session is always short - by at least 10, often more, minutes.

I feel like the therapist thinks the other clients are more important than me. He knows I am "next" so why should he cut them off? He'd rather be helping them, than sitting with me trying to fill the time period by talking (when I can't and remain silent). And then I feel like he can't wait to get rid of me - which is why he ends so soon - he is eager to help the next client who I hear has arrived, or just get rid of me if there is no one else after. I am so hurt inside by this - as it happens week after week after week. I don't think it would hurt so much if it wasn't a-l-l the time.

But I don't want to raise the issue with him because then he'll feel irritated and pressured to keep me the full, down to the minute, time each session - and he'll resent me for making him feel "obligated" to put in his "time" right to the very end - and I'll feel (even more than now) like I am forcing him to spend time with me - like he is watching every single drawn-out minute tick by. I have already had other therapists tell me they don't want to work with me, and they won't even given me a referral to any of their colleagues, so I am lucky this therapist even lets me keep seeing him. And part of the reason he cuts my sessions short is probably because it is so awkward and he knows I want to escape - ie he probably feels like he is doing me a favor by letting me out of there.

I have clicked with him more than any therapist I have had (and I have had quite a few). And I trust him more than the others. But when he cuts my sessions short, I feel like it is a complete slap in the face and it really erodes the trust I do have in him.

I don't want a new therapist. I want to feel like I matter to this one - that I am just as important as the others. But how can I complain when I know I *do* want to get the heck out of there ASAP each week as it is so horrible (being with another human that is, not being with him specifically)? How can I complain for something on many levels I don't want - ie the session to be longer?

And he is so good to me in other ways - like he is letting me have appointments through the holidays.

I am so stuck on this. I don't feel like I can complain and yet I'm so hurt.

[emilyjeanne]

Hey thimble,

You have the absolute right to let your feelings be known. After all you are paying for a full session. Not one that is 10 minutes cut short.

I encourage you to talk to your T. Print out what you wrote or tell him how you feel. You might be surprised by his reaction.

i think you should take into t exactly what you wrote and ask t to read it; IMHO... easier said than done...

[geez]

(((Thimble))) I went through a situation with my T this year were she ran over time from a previous appt and then had me leave on time. I was shorted at least 10mins and I wasn't happy. I was scared out of my mind to tell T what I was feeling and it all worked out. She apologized and said she would be angry if it were her sitting in the waiting room etc.... Thimble the only way out is through. I would talk to your T about this or even write a letter to read at your next appt. I have fears of confrontation so often it helps that I write things and read them so I don't miss any of my words etc..

You will learn from this and I'm wishing you a quick resolution. Please keep us posted.

[Perna]

It's one thing if another's session runs over but that means yours does not start until that much later and means it should end in 45-50 minutes after that, whatever the length of your session is supposed to be! See if you can discuss it dispassionately with him by way of the fee; one pays for a "session" of a certain length and if your T is habitually not working with you for a session's-length, then you shouldn't have to pay extra, just because he and someone else are going over in their time.

[Christina86]

Dear Thimble,

It is your right, as a client, to get your full money's worth. Which means if you're not getting the full length of a session and this is happening all the time -- you're OWED the time. At the very least, your T isn't very professional because T's know that their responsibility is to their client and to fulfil the obligations of therapy - meaning you get a full session, especially when it's your T's fault!

I'm sorry about your past experiences with other Ts. That's horrible. I really do recommend printing off your post and bringing it to him (which will be very scary but totally worth it!). Will give you lots to talk about -- your perceptions of stuff, and then T's got a catalyst for change. You are as important as all of T's other clients. No matter what. Yeah, T's can play favourites. But if T is continuing to see you, they're doing it for some reason and it's not because they feel obligated or guilted into it. If they didn't think they could help you, they're allowed to make a referral and send you elsewhere.

Patients who are "stuck in a rut" are just as important as patients who are constantly in crisis. I'm more of a stuck in a rut kind of a patient myself. I actually told my T this week that I was scared she was going to kick me out of therapy because I am not really progressing quickly in therapy. It gave her a chance to know how scared I was so T got to tell me she wouldnt throw me out of therapy unless it was a mutual decision between the two of us. That made me feel a lot better. Your T may not even realize how much their behaviour is upsetting you and they need to change to be able to help you. That is okay!!

[Confused_1982]

Originally Posted by geez

(((Thimble))) I went through a situation with my T this year were she ran over time from a previous appt and then had me leave on time. I was shorted at least 10mins and I wasn't happy. I was scared out of my mind to tell T what I was feeling and it all worked out. She apologized and said she would be angry if it were her sitting in the waiting room etc.... Thimble the only way out is through. I would talk to your T about this or even write a letter to read at your next appt. I have fears of confrontation so often it helps that I write things and read them so I don't miss any of my words etc..

You will learn from this and I'm wishing you a quick resolution. Please keep us posted.

Thimble, if talking to your T about is too scary would you be able to email him before your session? I have found this useful in the past as I have problems talking about a lot of things in person to my T but can articulate and express myself much better in writing. At least then he would have an idea of how you are feeling and could make the first step to bringing it up when you are in session, and would save you the anxiety of telling him in person? It is your right to have a FULL sessionit is his obligation and you are paying him for a FULL session, but it can be tricky to bring things like this up (fear of rejection maybe). Good luck

[(JD)]

I'm sorry to hear that your therapist needs a time-management course!

Please DO speak to your T about this. You have need and deserve the time you pay for...what if you took your lunch time from work for sessions? She isn't being considerate of any of her patients, imo.

She's able to hold a schedule consistently, as you note, so why doesn't she put herself into gear and do it on a clock schedule? Now, if she wants to say her sessions all begin at 20 after the hour and go to 10 after the next hour, that's her perogative, but to say they are 50 minute sessions that start at the top of the hour, and then not do that, sorry, she needs a jerk back to reality, imo.

She IS keeping a schedule, she IS able to keep a schedule, because she is being consistent in taking all her patients in late lol. Maybe she needs a wake up call (literally) in the morning to get her started off on time!

[ECHOES]

Yes mention it to him. Mention it as something important to you. Don't keep it to yourself because you think you know how he'll respond. You won't know until you tell him about this.

If it is possible, could you schedule to be the first patient so you won't be affected by his lack of structured sessions?

[skeksi]

Absolutely bring this up. You have a right to the time you pay for, and it is your therapist's obligation to keep that at the forefront of his mind. I understand your fear about irritating him, but I guess your task is to weigh whether the risk of him being annoyed is worth the possible benefit of him changing his behavior to meet your needs.

[lily99]

oh thimble, the exact same thing has been on my mind the past few days. i've noticed this happening more frequently recently. We don't start for at least 10 mins after the hour, and then I leave right on time. She used to give me extra time... it makes me feel pretty unimportant. The absolute worst was when I was waiting for 20 mins (with no apology) and then when I walked out the door I realized we still had about 4 mins to go.

I don't have the courage just yet to bring it up. I'm sure you're braver than me though, so let us know how it goes if you do

Whoa! this would be a very difficult situation for me to handle. t does a great job of handling the session length. i actually had no idea how he knew when the session was over and it took another poster to explain that her t wore a wristwatch... never even dawned on me...

however, i think the t is suppose to be in charge of the time for boundaries, modeling good behavior and not to start late or end early. IMHO

[lily99]

Hi Thimble,
I was just wondering if you spoke to your T about this? I'm taking a long break from T at the moment, but the same thoughts keep creeping up on me. I also keep having dreams about it. Hope things are ok with you

[lastyearisblank]

it is your perfect right to have a full session! i don't know that this even needs to be discussed, as if it's up for dispute? maybe you could just give him a funny look the next time he ends the session early and say, "i thought we started 10 minutes late?"

[Kacey2]

When this happens with my t I am often angered at first. Then I try to remind myself that he has spent other sessions going over the time with me. Usually just 5 min or so but if I add them all up it probably equals out to his 10 mins late once in a while. Hard to do though I automatically jump to anger and have a hard time getting into the session. Has anybody talked to t yet about this?

[Thimble]

Hi Lily99 - yes, I finally did mention it (in writing, not in person) to my t. He said he didn't value me any less than other clients - it was just that because I didn't talk (at all most of the time) that he sometimes couldn't fill up the full hour and he knew I was uncomfortable anyway so let me go. And he wasn't angry I brought it up. You were very kind to follow up and ask I hope you are doing ok with your "long break" from therapy.

[granite1]

my T will sometimes do the same thing because i dont speak much at all but it is usuall only about a few min i think the most was like 5 min once.i also think it is because she knows i am so uncomfortable and it is ok with me.differnt story if i was speaking and she still made me leave early

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Thimble

Hi Lily99 - yes, I finally did mention it (in writing, not in person) to my t. He said he didn't value me any less than other clients - it was just that because I didn't talk (at all most of the time) that he sometimes couldn't fill up the full hour and he knew I was uncomfortable anyway so let me go.

Did he say he will give you full sessions from now on? Or are you OK with the shorter sessions now that he has given you an explanation and told you that he doesn't value you less? By not being able to "fill up the full hour," do you think that means he feels he has to talk for the full time? He could just sit with you silently--that gives the client space to feel and talk. I have had a few sessions where my T talked too much and it was hard to bring up what I wanted to. (Doesn't happen often, but it made me aware of how important it was that my T give me space.) I hope your next session goes well.

[Thimble]

Hi sunrise - no, he didn't say he would give me full sessions from now on - he just made it clear they were short because he ran out of things to say because he was doing all the talking (as I requested he do if I couldn't talk....which is.....you know - all the time ) So (my interpretation/conclusion of this is) unless I can talk, I still will not get the full time with him.

So - for me - I don't think telling him helped at all - just made things more awkward. But for others that *are* talking and yet have sessions cut short by their t, I do suggest mentioning it to them - because as I said, my t was in no way angry that I brought up the subject and said he was glad I told him. So for others, it could result in them getting their full time slot back.

I haven't yet had a session since I raised the whole issue - and yes, I like your just sitting silently so I still have my "full" time with him....because I wait all week for those minutes with him - they are all I have....and it makes me so angry and jealous that others get "my" minutes from me. I have no one to blame but myself, but it doesn't make it any easier.

[rainbow8]

(((((thimble)))))

I just find it incredible sad that your T would cut off your therapy time since you can't talk to him. More than sad, it's triggering for me because of the times in my life, especially during childhood, that I couldn't talk to people. I didn't want the attention but I didn't want to be forgotten, either. If I had been in therapy, I would have felt terrible if I was getting gypped because I couldn't talk. I would have wished that my T would have done or said something to put me at ease so I would talk.

On the other hand, once my mother took me to therapy and I didn't talk, so she never took me back. Don't you wish that your T would have the magic words to help you talk, or do something else like art therapy, or writing in the session? Does he do that? I know I get overly frustrated with this situation, and granite's too, because I see myself, not because I really think it's anyone's fault.

I had trouble talking in therapy as an adult too. The words wouldn't come out. Even with this T, I wanted to say 1 sentence but it had words I don't say easily. I kept starting the sentence and finally I said it. I am still alive, lol. I don't mean to be funny. I just think it's the T's place to get help and use other kinds of therapy if someone won't talk. Maybe it's impossible, but I know if I couldn't talk my T would have me draw or paint or make a collage. She would have me write or bring in photos to talk about. She would do something, but she wouldn't cut off my session.

I'm sorry if my post makes you feel bad. I'm not trying to do that. I just think it's not fair for your T to shorten your sessions for that reason, in my opinion.

[Thimble]

Thanks rainbow8 Your post didn't make me feel bad at all - it brought tears to my eyes because you totally and completely understand and get it. So thank you

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Thimble

Hi sunrise - no, he didn't say he would give me full sessions from now on - he just made it clear they were short because he ran out of things to say because he was doing all the talking (as I requested he do if I couldn't talk....which is.....you know - all the time )

Thimble, is there a way to "take back" your earlier request that he talk if you don't? It sounds like he feels unable to fill the entire time by talking and since that is what you requested, he is cutting the session short when he has run out of things to say. Maybe if you can tell him it is OK if he doesn't talk, if you just sit in silence for part of the session, he would let the sessions last their full time.

Is your T charging you for a full session? If he consistently gives you a short session, he shouldn't charge you as much, in my opinion.

Originally Posted by Thimble

yes, I like your just sitting silently so I still have my "full" time with him....because I wait all week for those minutes with him - they are all I have....and it makes me so angry and jealous that others get "my" minutes from me.

I hope you have told him this, in exactly these words. I really think he is wrong to shortchange you. It sends all sorts of bad messages--"you're not worth my while unless you talk", "I find you boring", "I prefer clients who talk", etc. I think on some level your T must be aware of what his actions say.

[Thimble]

Hi sunrise - yes, I think you are right - I need to ask him if we can sit in silence if he runs out of things to say.

I know he is not trying to short-change me financially with shorter sessions - I have absolutely no doubt on that front - he does not want to be paid for work he does not do - he has moral and ethical issues with that. In fact, he has repeatedly offered that we can do 1/2 sessions instead. But that's the thing - I do *not* want shorter sessions. The only time I feel for sure that I matter to him and have his full attention - that I am his focus and not having to compete with others (who I feel are all "better"/"superior" to me) is during the session - I want to have that feeling for as long as possible, not have it shortened or worse, cut in half. In those sessions is the only place in my life (due to *my* issues) that I feel like I am temporarily the most important and not having to compete and not inferior to every other human on the planet. It is silly - but that's the way it is. I can't compete with other people, and during the session, it is the one place I feel I don't have to - because there is no competition in there - it is just me and him. (Him and I?? I have bad grammar!)

Anyway - I am afraid to get kicked out of therapy (even though he assures me he won't) - I have had other therapists give up on me when they swore up and down they never would. I have already tried to backpeddle since I brought up this issue because I am afraid he is going to insist on cutting back to half-sessions - or worse, saying maybe I shouldn't come anymore if I am so "unhappy" about things.

But the "bad messages" you said....yes. That is the way I feel. Anyway, I really rambled here - I know my t wishes I would ramble in sessions so none of this would be an issue

Thanks so much for listening everyone. I will see how the next session goes and if I survive, see if I can add on the request of "can we sit in silence" if neither of us has anything to say for the rest of the session. I did mention it way back at the start of therapy with him and he said yes clients could request that but that they (the clients) usually felt awkward and like they were wasting the therapist's time when they did it. So....I read into that that those were HIS feelings, not "clients" feelings about the matter. Anyway....I will just have to see how it all plays out.