[Melbadaze]

Yesterday I spent the session talking about the wkend where my grown up son had acted out some hurt he'd received by an ex girlfriend, his actions couldnt be ignored by me and it brought us into conflict. Yesterday I kept recalling how when he was born I at first rejected him emotionally. T kept telling me how because of my history of adoption and abandoment it would be difficult having a first child. We talked some more about what had gone on between us and then T said you know I just got this feeling as I listen to you that you are projecting your adoptive mothers rejection of you onto your son, his anger at you over this incident you've pulled him up on is reminding you of your rejections.

I sat with that for a while, thinking of course you can only confuse a male with a male and not a male with female and vice versa, but then the more I thought about it the more it begun to "fit". T spent the rest of the session reasurring me of how good my relationships with my 3 children actually is, but I guess I was in one of those "in it" modes.

Today as yesterdays session came back to me it begun to dawn on me that T was right, and when I take away the rejecting adoptive mother role from my son, it all seemed "normal" the fallout between us, it no longer felt like life or death and I actually found myself smiling at his immature reaction over the wkend toward me and felt sure once again of my role of mother toward him. But seeing this actually helps me put words to the feeling of fear of rejection I have, which sometimes seems to huge and unmanageable that I can't think my way through it, I just go into survival mode, much like I must of as a child, I realised just how much the whole adoption experience I HAVE HAD (I know there are succesful adoptions) I'd masked the whole feeling of rejection and shame with a "dont care attitude", I remember as a child in the 1960's how neighbour kids had called me a "bastard" because my birth mother hadn't been married and I use to shrug my shoulders and really didnt think I was bothered at all by my adoption, but this morning as I had this sort of flashback moment I realised the shame I felt around it all was so big I'd just repressed it, but I was filled with shame by that and by my adoptive mothers treatment of me in a an attempt to run from her own shame.

Once I had words to put to all of this this morning it seemed to loose its power and I wondered how I could have taken this shame on my shoulders and made it mine?? How crazy but then I had to remember I wasn't always an adult I was a child once that could not have dealt with such huge emotions.

[Omers]

Good work!
Dealing with adoption and birth family stuff is such difficult work.

[SpiritRunner]

that is great work, melba.....abandonment/rejection feelings are huge things to deal with, and I am glad you got such clarity on your childhood feelings vs. what is present reality.