[granite1]

i know i swore i wasn't going to post anymore because i am sure you are all so so so so tired of my T issues at this point .and it is OK i just want to get this off my chest.i am again scared to go to T i know i will go and all but i am just terrified of the expectations.that i will talk and be open and deal with things and i am terrified to disappoint my T.i just dont know what to expect and i am so angry at myself because after last wee you would think that i would feel safe talking to her after all she did take me back,she told me she cared,etc....i guess i am just broken forever.i guess I'm also a bit discouraged with myself alsoi just want to know does it ever finely get easier at all

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by granite1

i know i swore i wasn't going to post anymore because i am sure you are all so so so so tired of my T issues at this point .and it is OK i just want to get this off my chest.i am again scared to go to T i know i will go and all but i am just terrified of the expectations.that i will talk and be open and deal with things and i am terrified to disappoint my T.i just dont know what to expect and i am so angry at myself because after last wee you would think that i would feel safe talking to her after all she did take me back,she told me she cared,etc....i guess i am just broken forever.i guess I'm also a bit discouraged with myself also

(((( granite ))))

I am NOT tired at all of your T issues. Your feelings are valid, and I care about you and want you to post as much as you need to!!

I can understand you feeling scared, and it will take some time to build up a level of trust. I'm glad that your T expressed that she cared, and I hope you can hold onto some of that while you work through these difficult feelings.

((((( BIG HUGS )))))

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by granite1

i know i swore i wasn't going to post anymore because i am sure you are all so so so so tired of my T issues at this point .and it is OK i just want to get this off my chest.i am again scared to go to T i know i will go and all but i am just terrified of the expectations.that i will talk and be open and deal with things and i am terrified to disappoint my T.i just dont know what to expect and i am so angry at myself because after last wee you would think that i would feel safe talking to her after all she did take me back,she told me she cared,etc....i guess i am just broken forever.i guess I'm also a bit discouraged with myself also

((((((granite)))))) Not tired of you, dear granite, not at all. It's understandable that you are scared.....it takes time to trust and to feel safe and to believe and see that your T will be consistent and gentle with you. I think she does care.
I think maybe you are weighing yourself down with too great of expectations right now.....rather than worrying about talking or placing huge expectations on yourself to have lots of words, just let yourself believe it's OK to just go and just be there.
You are not broken forever......though I understand the feeling, because I told my T those very words not long ago, when she asked me what my feelings were if it turned out that I really am bipolar, and I said, it means I would be broken forever. But she said, PG, our creator (God) does not make broken things ..... and even if we feel broken, the broken feeling can be healed, it really can be ..... I feel broken, too, granite, but I believe I and you too can healed from that .....

[Fartraveler]

((Granite))

You express yourself so well by writing, you really do. Do you think your T would be open to something like what Tree's T does, where the two people just write back and forth to each other? Maybe something like that would work?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

(((( granite ))))

I am NOT tired at all of your T issues. Your feelings are valid, and I care about you and want you to post as much as you need to!!

I can understand you feeling scared, and it will take some time to build up a level of trust. I'm glad that your T expressed that she cared, and I hope you can hold onto some of that while you work through these difficult feelings.

((((( BIG HUGS )))))

thanks mue you have no idea howmuch i needed to hear this.i really am not just sitting here in my self pitty and anger i am going to go out ans spend bunches of money (SHOP T) to distract.i am going to try to just go to T and sit on the floor and do art.this was what i was going to do when she brought up the e-mail etc...and i had my little tempertantrum.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Fartraveler

((Granite))

You express yourself so well by writing, you really do. Do you think your T would be open to something like what Tree's T does, where the two people just write back and forth to each other? Maybe something like that would work?

yes she is totally .she has told me that i can write stuff and bring it in but she makes me read it out loud and that is also hard for me to do.sometimes she will read it for me though when i really just cant find any courage to do it

[granite1]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

((((((granite)))))) Not tired of you, dear granite, not at all. It's understandable that you are scared.....it takes time to trust and to feel safe and to believe and see that your T will be consistent and gentle with you. I think she does care.
I think maybe you are weighing yourself down with too great of expectations right now.....rather than worrying about talking or placing huge expectations on yourself to have lots of words, just let yourself believe it's OK to just go and just be there.
You are not broken forever......though I understand the feeling, because I told my T those very words not long ago, when she asked me what my feelings were if it turned out that I really am bipolar, and I said, it means I would be broken forever. But she said, PG, our creator (God) does not make broken things ..... and even if we feel broken, the broken feeling can be healed, it really can be ..... I feel broken, too, granite, but I believe I and you too can healed from that .....

wow to just be sounds so awsome and so piecefull.i wish that i could be ok with not talking i had a plan to not put any pressure on myself to talk and not to worry about what T is thinking or getting frustrated.as you can see this went well(NOT).i am going to keep trying to say whatever happens happens.i hope you will be able to accept that just because someone says you are bi polar doesnt mean you are broken.i think you are kind of awsome.and if this is so it is just part of what makes you awsome .

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by granite1

wow to just be sounds so awsome and so piecefull.i wish that i could be ok with not talking i had a plan to not put any pressure on myself to talk and not to worry about what T is thinking or getting frustrated.as you can see this went well(NOT).i am going to keep trying to say whatever happens happens.i hope you will be able to accept that just because someone says you are bi polar doesnt mean you are broken.i think you are kind of awsome.and if this is so it is just part of what makes you awsome .

granite, that is an awesome thing to say...it touches my heart deeply! but don't you see, this is true for you, too; you are awesome too!

[onlymedid]

I'm not tired of your posts either! I'm glad that you are still posting because it's good to get it out.

[rainbow8]

granite, I look forward to your posts very much and never get tired of you. I like you a lot and I have faith that you WILL move forward in your therapy. You're a lot stronger than you think and I don't see you as broken.

If you can just try to remember how much your T cares about you, and let the session evolve. Don't try too hard to talk because that will just make you more anxious. Will your T do breathing exercises with you? That helps me when T and I do them together. I never thought I'd be that relaxed with her to do them, but it happened slowly, over time.

So, be patient with yourself!!!! I'll go with and tell you to breathe. Okay?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

granite, I look forward to your posts very much and never get tired of you. I like you a lot and I have faith that you WILL move forward in your therapy. You're a lot stronger than you think and I don't see you as broken.

If you can just try to remember how much your T cares about you, and let the session evolve. Don't try too hard to talk because that will just make you more anxious. Will your T do breathing exercises with you? That helps me when T and I do them together. I never thought I'd be that relaxed with her to do them, but it happened slowly, over time.

So, be patient with yourself!!!! I'll go with and tell you to breathe. Okay?

sounds like a plan can you also wisper to my T that silence is ok

[karebear1]

Just keep posting Granite. We're here to support you- always.

[WikidPissah]

keep posting Granite. keep posting.

BTW...I'll be the one in your pocket making sarcastic remarks to make you giggle.

[Sannah]

It's a process granite and it can be difficult.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Sannah

It's a process granite and it can be difficult.

it is getting really really dificult these days.i am just so tired of dealing .it stinks.

[rainbow8]

Of course I'll whisper to your T that silence is okay!!! But maybe you can tell her that you get scared when she makes you talk? I'm going to whisper "do art" too. I hope you have a good session!!!

[Suratji]

Granite, we're so glad that you posted and shared your feelings. I see that you're worried about disappointing your T. Try to remember that we go to our T's because life is difficult and we want relief and help. Healing takes time - a lot of time. Your T is there to support you. She is not there to sit in judgment so she will never be disappointed. She cares about you and wants the best for you. If she feels any disappointment, it will be that she feels bad that you suffer so much. So, it's not disappointment with you just disappointment that your burden has not been released from you. Or it may be just disappointment with herself that she hasn't been as effective as she would like to be.

[mixedup_emotions]

I remember a session I had with T when I totally shut down...and then felt very guilty about it. Next session, we talked about it...and it came out that I felt like I was disappointing him by not going where he was pushing me to go. He felt that he pushed too hard. I felt that I wasn't being a "good enough patient" and was wasting his time.

He said, "Why is it my time that you feel you're wasting? And why is it ok that you can just sit there and feel like there's no movement? I'm not the one trying to feel better."

It was how I felt, even though I realized that I am the client, T is there to help me.....

[PTSDlovemycats]

-not tired of your posts Granite! Keep posting!!