[mixedup_emotions]

I know I'm not alone. I have friends who are keeping in touch with me. After what happened last night, all I want to do is sleep until I die. *sigh*

Anyway, I started looking up the consequences of a lewdness charge and totally had a meltdown at work today....I want to take it back. I don't want this. I feel awful for the little troubled boy that my ex is. ACK....

I called my T in the middle of the night last night, leaving a message on his voicemail at the office telling him I needed him to call me and hopefully to see me today or early tomorrow. I haven't heard back from him yet.

I called my attorney - and he was at lunch at the time. I left him a voicemail asking him to please, please call me today. No return call.

I feel so so so alone when I need these people the most. I am left to my own devices, to make my own decisions...and I know I'm an adult, but I really needed THEIR help right now....I feel so let down, even though I know rationally that they can't be there at the drop of a dime.

[WePow]

((((((((MUE))))))))) sending tons of hugs to you!!!

[ladyjrnlist]

I hope it will all work out for you.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I want to take it back. I don't want this. I feel awful for the little troubled boy that my ex is. ACK....

I love the compassion you show here....but yes, as others said, he still deserves the consequences!!
My heart goes out to you; no, you are not alone! many many hugs to you!

[granite1]

(((((((MUE))))))))

I hope you hear back soon from T - if not, can you call again??

[Sannah]

He deserves consequences for his behavior MUE. Even little boys need consequences. Lack of consequences is what makes a person's behavior get out of control.

He is not a little boy. He needs to have consequences for his behavior.

[googley]

((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))

We are here for you.

[Elana05]

mixedup_emotions,

Thinking of you and hope things are a bit better today. I know the feeling you describe.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone...

It has been a very trying day, to say the least.

My attorney called me back, and I felt better after he helped me understand more about how the upcoming court date will go, that there will be advocates there to help me and support me, people who specialize in domestic violence, etc.

Unfortunately, it seems as though my ex is up to no good. Some major red flags. I had my mom contact him by text to cancel the plans for tomorrow's visit and that I am suspending all visitation until we appear in court on Tuesday. That's within my rights to do according to my divorce paperwork and the temp. restraining order that was granted last night.

My ex didn't acknowledge my mom's text. I asked her to resend it, asking him to acknowledge receipt. He did not respond. He then called our daughter at my mom's house (which he has the right to do), and the conversation was alarming to me.

I decided to reach out to my daughter's old therapist...left a detailed message.....but she didn't return my call in time....

Basically, I picked up my daughter to take her to her sleepover birthday party - and I was caught in a predicament where I needed to make her aware of what was going on. I was SO UPSET that my T was not around to help me deal with this, to help me know how to approach it with her, what's age appropriate, how to make sure she understands without terrifying her, etc.

She got in my car and said, "Mommy, I need to talk to you. Daddy called me and he was acting really weird and I don't even know what he was saying, but he said he was picking me up tomorrow. Mom-mom told me that he wasn't. But he said he was, and for me to keep it between me and him and to not tell you. But I'm telling you everything because you're the one that takes care of me every day."



I cannot believe my ex would put her in this situation...and I have no idea what his intentions are. At that point, I told my daughter that her dad and I were having issues. I reminded her of how he was not respectful to me in the past and he was doing it again. So, a judge now is telling us that we can't communicate with each other until we go to court on Tuesday. I don't know how daddy's feeling right now - if he's in a bad mood or acting weird - and I don't want her to be in a position where he's acting out of control around her and she would be stuck without being able to reach me. So, I am not letting her go with daddy tomorrow. Instead, you're going to your cousins house for a sleepover, and they're very excited that you're coming over.

She seemed to take it very well, although there were tears in her eyes. I told her that she knows that daddy loves her, and he is a good dad but that sometimes he acts out of control, and I have to keep her safe from being around that kind of environment.

We talked a little more, and I asked her how she felt, if she still wanted to go to the sleepover....she was very excited to go. Whew.

I then went to the police station and explained what happened. They said that I was exercising my right to deny visitation and that if he shows up tomorrow, he is going against the restraining order and I can have him arrested. My daughter will be nowhere around the house at the time that he is planning to come by. But I intend to be here, keeping my fingers crossed that he doesn't do something crazy.

Then, at 11 PM tonight, my daughter's therapist called me back and we had a half hour conversation that was helpful. She said I did a great job with explaining things to my daughter. She tried to keep me on track, knowing that my daughter's safety is my number one priority. I know this, and I am not veering off course no matter how hard the strings of my heart tug, when I feel those pangs of wanting to care for him and protect him from himself.

Like the stories of those who have been abducted and eventually turn to care for their abusers....here I am, with those very symptoms....but I cannot allow it to cloud my judgment as my daughter's safety must must must come first.

I am scared. I am sad. I am overwhelmed. I feel so sick to my stomach and am in so much pain. And T has not yet returned my call. I called the office and they said he was out today. I really wished he would have checked his messages. I do believe he will call me in the morning though because that's when he will be back in the office. I really hope so.

(((((((((((mue))))))))))))

so very sorry you are having to deal with this incredibly stressful situation. sounds like you are handling it really well though. one thing i'd add is if your ex knows about the sleepover then i'd make sure your relatives know not to let your daughter be picked up by him on the off-chance he goes there and tries to take her home. you are brave to be at home tomorrow when you are expecting him to try to get her--i'd get the heck out of dodge.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, Bloom....

I have my moments when I feel sick....other moments when I feel the overwhelming emotions and can't stop crying....and then other moments when I feel stronger and determined to keep moving forward through this decision that I've made. It's been an incredible rollercoaster, to say the least.

I will be notifying my daughter's school on Monday to call the police if he shows up there to take her. My ex doesn't know where she is right now and will not know where she is for the weekend. My sister is fully aware of what's going on and knows to call the police if he shows up at her house. My adult niece who lives there is also fully aware, as my ex usually tries to reach her by text. He is not to know that she is there.

I am staying home for two reasons....one is to be able to see if he actually shows up. If I'm not home, he will never know. If I am not home, he may try to go elsewhere to find us - which would put my family and friends in danger. The second reason is to face this head on. I can't keep running away in fear. He will follow, and I want to be prepared. If he shows up at my house, I will immediately call the police and they can determine if he is in violation of the restraining order. Even though he is permitted to pick up our daughter in front of my house, I denied him the visitation - the police are aware - and I will have my moms texts as proof that he was notified.

I am just praying that he doesn't do something crazy, something that I can't prevent that could be life threatening. But that's not something I can control....so I am leaving it in God's hands and hoping that the choices that I'm making are safe for everyone involved.

I really wish things were different right now. I wish T was helping me through it all. When I had my session with him a couple weeks ago, stuff got stirred up for me and I was so upset and emotional. He told me it was to be expected considering what was being brought up for me, and that he was here for me. But he hasn't been here. He had a death in the family right afterwards and was away. I totally understood, even though it was upsetting to me....and now this.

It just helps me realize that I can't depend on him to really be there when I need him. I have to have a plan B, which he has always encouraged as a real-life support system around me. That was one of my big struggles - and still is....I am realizing though, through this ordeal, that I do have people who really care about me and will be there for me. I also realize that I have it within myself as well. I can cry. I can be angry. I can be upset. But I am still ok. And I am trusting my judgment, trusting my instincts and not dismissing them or minimizing them like I have in the past. This is an amazing thing for me to recognize, and a big big big change that I am sure my T will be happy about.

Sorry I'm rambling at the moment. I am just all over the map with all this right now. I made a commitment to myself to try to relax tonight, maybe watch a movie, make some jewelry and rest. It's really, really late, and I haven't done any of those things yet. I take that back. I began making a necklace - and then dropped it, now having to start from scratch again. UGH. But I will put on the movie and try to relax....and hopefully get some sleep. I imagine I will have a hard time falling asleep tonight. I will try though because I will need to preserve energy for the coming days ahead.

[ECHOES]

One huge "tool" abusers use is to manipulate others into thinking they - and not the abuser - are responsible for everything. It is crucial to the abuser's maintaining control.

I can understand your feelings and where they come from. And I also understand that they are mixed in with genuine caring about others. Keeping what's real and what's not real very separate is so important. And thoughts and feelings just are - and they don't have to be acted upon.

Your words to your daughter are so beatutiful ! You were loving and ressuring, protecting, honest and sincere. She understands something serious is going on, it's probably frightening to her as would be expected, and she hears that you understand what is happening even if she doesn't, and that you are already taking care of it and taking loving care of her. That is just beautiful

You are in the process of making things different. I admire you so much!

[mixedup_emotions]

Echoes....YES!! And that has been one of the greatest hurdles that I have come over during the last year of being in a very difficult group therapy environment. I posted a thread about that a while back, basically acknowledging that my biggest achievement was not owning other people's "stuff".

I can easily imagine my ex believing that this is all my fault, that I'm blowing things out of proportion, that he's not going to get into any real trouble. I can also imagine how affected I would have been in the past to have communication with him to that effect. I would've owned it, and it would've been gut-wrenching for me, and it may have clouded my judgment and decision making.

Things are different now. I'm not 100% there, but I am so much more self-aware....and can recognize what's what....and know that feelings will pass...and that what he thinks and feels is not my truth.

And thank you so much for your kind and validating words. I had such a hard time trying to figure out what to say to my daughter, and I was trying to shield her from so much and stall her until I was able to talk to my T or her old T....But I ended up stuck and just went with my gut...

I did not really get sleep last night. I tried to lay down around 5:30 AM....but every noise in the house - like my crazy kitten playing in the hall, or my bunny darting across her cage - and I would either jump out of my own skin or I would be in a twilight sleepy zone and incorporate those sounds into a terrorizing nightmare. I decided to get a cup of coffee at 7:30 AM. So much for getting any real rest. sigh.

[darkrunner]

I am just praying that he doesn't do something crazy, something that I can't prevent that could be life threatening. But that's not something I can control....so I am leaving it in God's hands and hoping that the choices that I'm making are safe for everyone involved

Is this for real? Why would you take such a risk?
Don't you think it would be wise to do something to ensure your safety, besides hoping and praying?
.....if not for yourself, than for your daughter's sake.

Do you have a friend who can come over and be there with you?
Can you call the police as soon as he arrives?

[SpiritRunner]

I'm so sorry about all you're going through right now too. Even though it's painful and hard, it sounds to me like you are handling the situation right; I think you said good things to your daughter too. I'm glad you could talk to her T and I really hope your T calls you soon!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by darkrunner

Is this for real? Why would you take such a risk?
Don't you think it would be wise to do something to ensure your safety, besides hoping and praying?
.....if not for yourself, than for your daughter's sake.

Do you have a friend who can come over and be there with you?
Can you call the police as soon as he arrives?

I believe my ex is intending to be sneaky and minimizing the severity of his actions. He has never owned a gun and is not typically physically abusive. His abusiveness has typically been mental, emotional, and sexual in nature.

I am planning to have my cell phone in one hand and a video recorder in the other, by the upstairs window at the time he told our daughter he was planning to pick her up. He is not to exit his vehicle or park in my driveway. If he shows up, I will be recording it and calling the police that very minute....

I have friends who are very willing to be here with me, but I won't put them in that kind of danger. I don't want them to be a target of his wrath.

I did consider being at a neighbor's house and may still do that. They won't be home but I have their house key and they gave me permission to hide out there if I need to. And it's in viewshot of my house....so I may very well do that.

Yes, I totally understand that this is a risk. But without me facing this head on, I will always be looking over my shoulder, wondering when he will make his move. I can't live like this. I am being incredibly careful about it while taking a risk at the same time.

[Fartraveler]

(((((MUE)))) I am thinking of you and praying for you.

-Far

mue, i don't know...this seems to me to be courting trouble. i think you're going to end up feeling really upset by any confrontation with him. don't you need less drama in your life rather than more? you said you'll be seeing him with the lawyers on tues so why not wait until then for any confrontation when you are in a public place and with others who can help? i know you have to do what you feel is best but i'm concerned for the emotional fallout you will inevitably feel afterwards. it seems you are already stressed to the limit...

[pachyderm]

(((mue)))

I wonder if there is any way you can communicate to your X that what you are doing is partly so that he does not get into any more trouble... I know you can try to communicate this but that he may not receive or credit the communication...

[mixedup_emotions]

I appreciate everyone's support. My T contacted me by email this morning. He took the day off yesterday, which I knew, and he just received my message. I am seeing him at noon, so my plan is to fill him in on what's happened so far and see where it takes us. I am relieved that T is able to see me before the time that my ex may be intending to show up at my house.

[Sannah]

MUE, you are doing a great job with all of this. You conversation with your daughter was so good.

[googley]

((((((((((((((MUE)))))))))))))