[MoAnamCara]

i dont know where to start or what im looking for, and wasnt sure even where to post this. so im sorry ahead of time if this isnt the right place. perhaps im just looking for some thoughts or suggestions.

am seeing a t, a relatively new experience for me. some things are going on in my life that have resulted in me being unable to continue as i was. i was going to dark, dark thoughts and i felt i needed to get some help so thats what ive done.

i struggle with t immensely. im unsure why im there, why im exposing myself and can it really help. i know that nothing ventured is nothing gained but i didnt think it would be this hard and hurt this much.

i doubt the connection i have with my t but i also am aware of my self doubt and belief. so i struggle to have clear thoughts about this as maybe its just me and the connection is growing. i know it takes time and i do feel i have started to trust which is a huge thing in itself for me.

i have shared, non verbally, about something at childhood. it seems now i cant get past this, i cant verbalize and i just shut down. i dont know why i shared as its getting me nowhere but just causing me more grief.

i am in awe at reading many of your posts about your connections and your willingness to put yourselves out there at t and willingness to ask for what you want etc. i dont know what i want, maybe thats some of the problem, i dont know what my needs are. again, i question why i am there. but i also think i need to be.

its also a large source of frustration as i believe (and i logically know its a sign of strength to ask for help or seek help) i should be able to deal with things on my own and handle my own life. i know, currently, i cant though. how can or how did i become this person so unable to deal with things?

today has been bad with a lot of anxiousness and chest pains and all of that. i try to relax and think im getting there, but once i stop consciously trying then it just sneaks back up again.

gosh, this is a bit of a rambling post, sorry. anyone have any thoughts?

thanks for reading.

[ECHOES]

I will share with you what my T shared with me very early in my therapy, over 3 years ago. I knew therapy was what I wanted but I struggled with many things like frustrating, great fears about the connection and about vulnerability, wasn't sure I wanted to continue, and things like that: she asked me if I could just trust The Process (my caps).
That has helped me many times.

I think you are taking care of things yourself, and therapy is part of that. You sought it out for you as a way of taking care of you ♥

We talk about the push/pull that occurs, like the one you describe about shutting down after revealing something important and scary to talk about. Shutting down is protective. When you don't feel the need for that protection anymore about that topic, you will be able to talk about it. Trust the process

What is it that begins the anxiousness? Can you write about it in a journal or here to get it out?

I am learning and finding that anxiousness, for me, can be about something I need to look at, or that wants to emerge to be looked at, but for whatever reason, fear makes me want to stop that from happening. I am afraid of the truth of my own thoughts and feelings, so I can't possibly let them come to light! Being vulnerable to even myself feels like too much.

I sometimes use used guided imagery or autogenic relaxation CD's to help me relax. They only take 10-30 minutes and I enjoy them. I found mine at www.wholeperson.com.

[granite1]

i think my T said to me once "no one said T was supose to be easy"i know it is scary.confusing,makes you want to just run and never stop at times.it takes a lot of strength and you are doing it.it takes time to work these things out .i hope you are able to share these concerns with your T he/she will hopefully be able to help you figure out together what your needs are.it is hard to ask for what you need.hut it helps firdt if you can figure out what those needs are.welcome to PC

[disguise123]

i understand, i lock many things away within myself. I can not look at people when i talk to them, looking away allows me to be more open.
Dont give up on t just yet, maybe it just takes time, maybe you will find anotherT who suits you more. But either way expressing all of this is healthy, all the very best to you

[MoAnamCara]

thank you for your responses echoes, granite1 and rapidcycla -

echoes - i think because i didnt know what to expect that i was going in blind in many ways and i still feel ignorant about expectations and goals etc., perhaps this is part of my issue. if i dont know why im there or what i want, how could i possibly know what i want to gain from it. i think you are correcting regarding "the process" but not knowing what that process is causes me some worry. its like im putting myself in someone elses hands, this is a very scary thing for me. i rather not rely or depend on others or open myself up to allow others have opinions or the ability to hurt/cause me concerns.

anxiousness comes in waves, stays for days or for moments. what starts it are many concerns and thoughts. some times i am able to push it away and sometimes i am not so successful. it gets frustrating and this is like a viscious circle then as i become angry with my own inability to control my own emotions and thoughts. and so it continues. somedays i just feel completely overwhelmed.

granite - thanks for the welcome. i see this takes strength but it just seems to zap me of any i have. its tough going and yes id run a marathon to get away from thoughts and feelings sometimes, if i could.

rapidcycla - thanks, im not going to give up yet. i am scared of the repercussions if i were to stop. i know i need to improve and help myself. the coming months in my life are going to be very challenging and i need to try to strengthen myself to be able to handle these things.

thanks again.

[ECHOES]

I don't know if you like to read, but I'm re-reading an interesting book about therapy that you might like. It's about many aspects of therapy and the research for it was 274 questionnaires by women, completed anonymously. It is far less stastical than it is about perspectives and similar experiences with transference, trust, the therapist's other patients, the therapy room, kinds of love in therapy, boundaries, etc.

I like reading that other's struggle with things I do, and about the process that is not easily defined during or after the course of therapy. Letting go and trusting is hard, even when we know it's the key.

[MoAnamCara]

echoes - thanks, if you would share the name of that book, i would be interested.

[ECHOES]

So sorry. I meant to!

It is "In Session" by Deborah Lott.

Here's a link to an Amazon offer, so you can see the cover.
http://www.amazon.com/Session-Betwee.../dp/0716740257

[ErinBear]

Hi MoAnamCara,

There are good things about therapy, I think especially after you get going for awhile and a good relationship is formed. I think often when folks are starting out, it can be hard and awkward, even in the best of circumstances - I know it was for me.

I suppose everyone is different, but for me, it has helped to talk about a lot of things that have been hard for me, both things that happened in the past, as well as things that happen in my current life. It can take awhile to get used to the idea of talking about difficult things, and sometimes talking about those things can be a difficult process. But there can be healing in it. I know that has been true for me, and for other people I know also.

For one reason or another, a lot of people have difficulty talking about difficult things. Sometimes there are other ways of going about it. For me, I really had terrible trouble talking with my counselor at first. Thankfully, he was very patient with me. One thing that helped me was writing about what was troubling me. I would bring in the things I'd written. Sometimes I'd even write in the middle of our meetings if I was stuck! Sometimes I would draw pictures of things that were troubling me if I didn't know how to write the words. Over time, I got better about talking about them. Being able to write about them for awhile really helped. I was grateful he was willing to work that way. I think many counselors are. I think they realize that talking can be very difficult for some folks, and that can be a stepping stone.

Wishing you well,
ErinBear

[MoAnamCara]

thanks erinbear -

yes i know i need to stick with it, even though there are times that id rather not. its odd as i want to be there, yet i dont want to be either...

it is difficult for me to discuss thoughts & emotions anyhow so this in a way heightens the difficulty for me. im hoping over time this will lessen and i can get in touch with myself a little more.

thanks for your words.