trigger - description of stupid abusive moment from childhood

I went to therapy and told T that I felt like disconnecting. We talked a little, and he said it makes SO much sense. Things have been hard with my family, a close friend was diagnosed last week with terminal cancer in his organs and brain and it's making me so sad, we're talking so much about my mom in therapy, etc. etc. etc.

I said I wanted to just leave and use ALL of my bad coping mechanisms all at once - all things I haven't done in such a long time, even years - I wanted to go take every pill in my house and drink every drop of alcohol my husband has around and cut myself into a million pieces. And I said "I'll probably just end up doing something stupid like knitting and praying" and T was like "oh my gosh, that IS stupid. ALL of that big energy, and you end up knitting and praying". I loved that he totally got it....that sometimes the coping skills we have available to us just don't feel like ENOUGH.

My cell phone rang - my son needed to know where a library book was - and it kind of broke the spell. I remembered "I don't want to connect with this guy" and I told him that.

I told him I don't want to do therapy anymore. I asked him what would happen if I decided today would be my last session. He looked alarmed and said that he would want to talk about why I wanted that. I said "what do people usually do in their last sessions?" and he did tell me, but he said that if I walked out of there today and never came back, he would feel hurt, and angry, and sad. And I asked why, and he said because it wouldn't be honoring the relationship we've worked so hard to build. He said a bunch of stuff, but I couldn't listen.

I told him my 8 year old feels like she is taking up ALL of the inside of me. Like I'm a nesting doll with me on the outside and she is right under the surface, taking up all of the rest of the space. He asked what she needs and I said I don't know. I said she needs to read a book. She needs to go for a walk. She needs to be safe.

Something happened, and I was IN a horrible 8 year old memory of my mom holding my head under the water coming our of the sink in the utility tub in our laundry room. I couldn't breathe. She was pulling my braids and holding my face in the water and I thought she was killing me. I remember T pulling me OUT of that laundry room. He had me run down the hall to my bedroom. We locked the door, and my 8 year old went to sit in the closet, on the floor, where it is small, and dark, and safe. We left her there for now so she can be safe. she likes small, dark places. she likes quiet.

Before I left I drew a picture of my 8 year old in the sink and of my mom's angry face. I was going to put it in my box, but I didn't want it in there. So I ripped it in a million pieces and threw it away. I wanted something good in my box, so I made a list:
1. My boys
2. T
3. Grace
4. The sky
5. Trees

And put the list in there instead.

I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and stay there forever.

[pachyderm]

Pretty intense. Yeah, there is a difference between remembering and being in it. Remembering is better! ((tree))

[granite1]

tuff session tree

[SpiritRunner]

oh tree, that was intense! right now, I understand the feeling of wanting to be in a hole forever, too....but we won't have that feeling forever, thank goodness.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( TREE ))))

So SO painful and difficult to work through....I feel your pain, and I understand. I can relate so much to that, and I wish it was easier. (( HUGS ))

[elliemay]

Boy can I relate to that. Deep breath and big sigh. That one had to take up a lot space. I'm sure your therapist felt very honored that you let him walk with you through that one.

Deep breath and big sigh. Things will get better.

((((((((((oh, tree)))))))))))

That is so intense and hard.

Might I say, though, that it sounds like you DID connect with T?? And he was there and kept you safe?

Is there any comfort in that? He can't be pushed away. He's in it. In the thick of it with you.

[googley]

(((((((((((((((Tree))))))))))))))

[Fartraveler]

(((((Tree)))))

Thinking of you, sending you caring thoughts.

-Far

[WePow]

((((((((Tree))))))))) I am so glad you were strong enough today to face that memory with the help of your T! I want you to know that you being so brave gives me strength I didn't have to face monsters. Thank you for being so brave.

[Sannah]

Good work Tree, she is taking up so much space because she has so much to say. Good work for letting her speak today...........

[Sweetlove]

((((((((((Tree))))))))))

You should be so proud of youself, I am. I can only imagine what a scary and dark place that was but you knew you were safe with T to explore it. You could go to that place because you trusted T enough to pull you back into the light...I think that connection is still there.

So sorry you are going through such a tough time right now...it's so hard to watch a loved one suffer. Sending you lots of hugs and strength

I remember before we were in the laundry room thing, I was telling him that I used to make cards for my mom. He asked what did they say? They said "I'm sorry. I love you Momma". They said "You're the best mom in the world". They said "I hope you feel better soon".

T and I e-mailed. I think we are going to make a card together for 8 year old on Thursday. It's okay for her to have a card, right? I want her to get one.

[darkrunner]

I love that you're going make your 8 year old a card!
Of course she deserves a card!

It's sad that you made those cards for your mom, when they were so obviously undeserved. But you know what? You were trying to survive, you were trying to fix things when, as a child, you had no power to fix anything. You deserved to have the best mom in the world and you did NOT deserve to feel guilt or blame for her actions.

I also want to say, I am glad you are going on Thursday. I know you have been trying to cut down to once a week, but honestly? You work SO hard in therapy and accomplish so much in each session. I just wanted to say that because I was hoping you don't feel disappointed in yourself or anything. You're doing great.

((((((((((((((tree))))))))))))))

the mom stuff sounds so very difficult. i'm so glad you have your wonderful T to help you thru this although i so wish you didn't have to go thru any of it. you know, i think one of the good things that is able to somehow come out of all this yuck you experienced is the great compassion and gentleness you always show others.

i just love that you are going to make 8 year old tree a card. i bet she'll love it.

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( TREE ))))

I am sure 8 year old would love a card, and it will be something she will cherish and may be very healing....(( HUGS ))

[Fartraveler]

Making your 8-year-old a card is a lovely idea. It is wonderful.

-Far

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by treehouse

I was telling him that I used to make cards for my mom. He asked what did they say? They said "I'm sorry. I love you Momma". They said "You're the best mom in the world". They said "I hope you feel better soon".

I'll bet this is why you thought that your love was stupid because you gave it freely to your mom and then she responded to you the way that she did. You deserved so much better then that tree.......

Originally Posted by Sannah

I'll bet this is why you thought that your love was stupid because you gave it freely to your mom and then she responded to you the way that she did.

that makes so such sense.

Maybe T and I can make a card for the 8 year old, and then if she wants to, she can make a card for T. Maybe.

Sad. Hard.

[Sannah]

Is it sad and hard because making cards will bring back memories of you doing it before for your mom? Or is it making a card for her hard and sad because it helps you to focus on her and her needs and feelings? Or....

I think because feeling the sadness and rejection and confusion of the 8 year old sucks. I keep trying to remember that T and I put her (safely) in a closet for now.

[Sannah]

So she's not staying there huh?

[granite1]

just sending some hugs tree not sure what to say but big hugs