[Elana05]

Have it tomorrow.
I just don't understand it anymore.
Even after this afternoon's session with my regular T.
As far as couples goes,
I forgot what the goal is. I forgot what we were supposed to be doing.
The thing is: I am trying very hard to learn/understand how two people can come to a session equally.
I never come as an equal to my partner anymore (in my own mind).
(Oh hey, maybe that's what we could talk about).
I always come prepared to "answer questions." As if I am being put on the spot. How did that happen? I didn't used to be that way in couples.
For example last time my S/O said, "I want us both to bring friends to the relationship." She meant that she worries I'm not getting out and not being social enough to meet new people. Actually she worries I spend to much time on pc instead of getting out. But I don't see it that way. I go to a support group IRL too.
What can I say? My answer: "I'm doing the best I can."
-- But this is how I want to answer everything, "I'm doing the best I can."
So... what is the point of going to couples T to say that?

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Elana05

I never come as an equal to my partner anymore (in my own mind).
(Oh hey, maybe that's what we could talk about).

This is an excellent thing to talk about!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Elana05

I am trying very hard to learn/understand how two people can come to a session equally. I never come as an equal to my partner anymore (in my own mind).

Could you say more about what you mean by that? Do you mean your partner is more dominant or "the boss" and you defer to her? Do your T and your partner spend more time talking and you just listen? And this is a change--you were different when you first began couples therapy? Why do you think there has been a change? Is it not safe for you in therapy anymore?

Originally Posted by Elana05

my S/O said, "I want us both to bring friends to the relationship." She meant that she worries I'm not getting out and not being social enough.... But I don't see it that way.... My answer: "I'm doing the best I can."

What would happen if you told her "I don't see it that way" instead of "I'm doing the best I can"? Would that open up a different sort of discussion? Does your S/O know you are satisfied with having a more limited social life? Saying that you are doing the best you can sounds like you think you have to make changes to be the way she wants and that you feel you are not doing well at this. It can be demoralizing to feel you are not living up to someone's standards, especially someone you love. I think talking frankly about how you feel about having a more active couples life might be a good therapy direction. Maybe you can reach a compromise--you'll try to have another couple over for dinner once a month, or something like that--but you don't want to feel constant pressure to be a social butterfly. And you'll be OK with times your S/O wants to go do something else with others on her own, and she'll be OK with your not wanting to always come along. I think couples therapy can be really helpful for dealing with concrete issues like this.

Another thought--sometimes people who are depressed feel like they just want to cocoon and keep to themselves and not socialize. Could this be the case with you? Other times, people are just naturally more introverted and don't like socializing a lot (this is how I am).

Couples therapy is hard. Good luck.

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by Sannah

This is an excellent thing to talk about!

Thanks, Sannah.

Originally Posted by sunrise

What would happen if you told her "I don't see it that way" instead of "I'm doing the best I can"? Would that open up a different sort of discussion? Does your S/O know you are satisfied with having a more limited social life? Saying that you are doing the best you can sounds like you think you have to make changes to be the way she wants and that you feel you are not doing well at this. It can be demoralizing to feel you are not living up to someone's standards, especially someone you love.

Sunrise,
You have given me such good points to think about.
One area where I am changing:
I used to say "My goal is this." But what's weird is that I said it because this is what I thought my partner wanted to hear -- and I didn't even realize it. I don't always know when I am doing it.
Basically, I'm saying, "here are the ways I want to change." But I'm not totally sure I am saying this for me or for my S/O. (Because I think it's what she wants).

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by Elana05

One area where I am changing:
I used to say "My goal is this." But what's weird is that I said it because this is what I thought my partner wanted to hear -- and I didn't even realize it. I don't always know when I am doing it.
Basically, I'm saying, "here are the ways I want to change." But I'm not totally sure I am saying this for me or for my S/O. (Because I think it's what she wants).

Good awareness and insight!