[Broom Hilda]

I have this weird issue with my t and I wonder what you guys think. At the end of nearly every session he will give me a pat on the back or arm and warmly tell me to take care. I've noticed that when I have a session where I am doing better-- he witholds the pat on the back or rubbing my arm and he seems coldly clinical. That's all it takes to send me leaving that office spiraling down into my dark and endless depression. I start wondering what I did to upset him. I feel like he punishes me whenever I show independence. The touch is comforting... but witholding it from me feels like abandonment. Maybe in his mind he is letting me go when I show improvement and doesn't want to keep me too attatched or dependent. He is just doing his job. Helping the bird leave the nest. It took me a long time to make the connection between me showing independence and/or improvement and his lack of touch. For the longest time I was just left wondering why.

After an issue we started doing twice weekly sessions a few weeks back. Last week I told him we can probably go back to doing once a week. He said he would tentatively put me down for the 2nd session just in case. Well, this week I said I didn't need the 2nd session. He asked me why and if it had anything to do with him. I said I was just feeling ok right now and could wait. He witheld touch. I went home crying. Old hurts flooded me and the next day I called and asked if I could have the 2nd appointment. So I'm seeing him twice again.

Don't you think that if you are going to touch your patient (and it's always been appropriate. h'es great and we have a great relationship) it should be consistant? Otherwise it means something and when it is revoked that too means something? I have a long ways to go to heal... is that why he does it? To bring those feelings back so we can work on them? I don't know and I know I can't ask because if I do the touch will become meaningless because I will have asked for it. or worse he might never touch me again and I will lose all connectedness. What game is this?? Or maybe I'm just nuts.

I know I mostly lurk on here so forgive me for starting a thread without being much of an active participant. (Though I do talk in the chat rooms). I appreciate anybody taking time to respond.

[cutebagaddict08]

Would you feel comfortable bringing this up in some way in therapy-even if it's generally talking about 'physical connection' with others in your life? (This might be hard: but has this happened in relationships in your past, where you very concerned about the physical connection (or causal affection) your recieve from someone?) It sounds like you read people very well, it's a good thing, but it may be getting in the way of letting your gaurd down at times, also.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope you find a comfortable point with your therapy.

I have never been fortunate enough to get any touch at all from my therapist, so I am not sure I can help that much. I do understand why you would feel like you do. I wish that we could get a hold of the therapist's manual and read about all the stuff they learned to do and not do with their clients! That my clear up a lot of the misunderstandings that we seem to have in therapy.

If this helps at all, I have started bringing flash cards with questions that I want to ask my therapist, but don't feel comfortable verbally expressing them. She has the option to answer or not answer. I have learned a lot about her by doing this. It helps me get what I need. Maybe you can try some kind of written communication to express your concerns with him?

[Broom Hilda]

Originally Posted by cutebagaddict08

Would you feel comfortable bringing this up in some way in therapy-even if it's generally talking about 'physical connection' with others in your life? (This might be hard: but has this happened in relationships in your past, where you very concerned about the physical connection (or causal affection) your recieve from someone?) It sounds like you read people very well, it's a good thing, but it may be getting in the way of letting your gaurd down at times, also.
Not sure if any of this helps, but I hope you find a comfortable point with your therapy.

Thank you for the response, cutebag. He does know about affection being witheld from me in the past or being conditional. He knows I have family members who act like I have the plague if I try to give them a hug. Yeah, I think I read people...I'm still debating whether or not it's well though.

[Broom Hilda]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

I have never been fortunate enough to get any touch at all from my therapist, so I am not sure I can help that much. I do understand why you would feel like you do. I wish that we could get a hold of the therapist's manual and read about all the stuff they learned to do and not do with their clients! That my clear up a lot of the misunderstandings that we seem to have in therapy.

If this helps at all, I have started bringing flash cards with questions that I want to ask my therapist, but don't feel comfortable verbally expressing them. She has the option to answer or not answer. I have learned a lot about her by doing this. It helps me get what I need. Maybe you can try some kind of written communication to express your concerns with him?

I think I'm going to google that manual. hehe. I just want to understand. Flash cards are a good idea because I do have some quiet sessions at times. I am afraid of him knowing about this specific trouble. Maybe I could just say sometimes I leave feeling like I have upset him or he's dissapointed in me. Thanks for the reply.

[WikidPissah]

If you find that manual I'd like to read it too, some things T does and says are so curious to me, but I am afraid to ask.

It's funny how individual we all are. I have a quite similar issue, except it's in reverse. I HATE being touched. If I am doing poorly T gently pats my shoulder or back while I'm leaving in kind of an "it'll be ok" way. It freaks me out when he pats me because I think "wow, I must be pathetic" and I get very depressed. If he doesn't pat me, then I think "wow, I am doing well" and I have a decent day.

I guess the similarity is that T cares for you and that pat is just a little extra support when you need it.

[Sweetlove]

Maybe you can say something like "last week when I left, I felt kinda "off" all day when you didn't pat my back or touch my arm...and I don't know why" Maybe at least this will lead into a converstaion and give you some idea of where he stands on this.

My T pat me on the shoulder a while ago and hasn't done anything since. I always want him to give me some gesture but he isn't a touchy-feely T and I understand that. It does bother me sometimes because I am a touchy person and he's not, but I accept it for what it is and am greatful to have him.

[sunrise]

Broom Hilda, on the days your T does not touch you, is he "coldly clinical" in other ways? Or do you perceive him that way mainly because of the lack of touch?

My T and I hug at the end of some of our sessions, but not all. I think we hug when there has been more emotion in the session, either positive (joyful, celebratory) or negative (sad, upset, etc.). When the session is more even-keeled it seems to me we don't hug as often.

Even when my T and I don't hug at the end of a session, he is warm in other ways--his voice, his eyes, his affect, etc. So I have never felt my T was withholding affection from me, just that sometimes we hug and sometimes we don't. I think the hug is more of a cap or exclamation point to the emotion of a session. Also, when I have been having a really hard time and session has been hard too, I think I get the hug because T perceives (correctly) that I have a greater need for comfort. So he responds to that and gives "more."

Originally Posted by Broom Hilda

Don't you think that if you are going to touch your patient (and it's always been appropriate. h'es great and we have a great relationship) it should be consistant? Otherwise it means something and when it is revoked that too means something?

No, I don't think that once there is a hug or touch that there needs to be one every session. I think if the client is very focused on the touch, and will interpret its lack to mean something negative about T, then it could signify some insecurity in the attachment. Alternatively, if the T is very cold in other ways on the days he doesn't touch, then it could mean something is up with him--like his own stuff is affecting his performance that day.

Broom Hilda, I think it is worth sharing with your T that you perceive him to be coldly clinical on some days. I think most Ts would want to know that. Maybe you could get some reassurance. Good luck.

[Broom Hilda]

Originally Posted by Sweetlove

Maybe you can say something like "last week when I left, I felt kinda "off" all day when you didn't pat my back or touch my arm...and I don't know why" Maybe at least this will lead into a converstaion and give you some idea of where he stands on this.

My T pat me on the shoulder a while ago and hasn't done anything since. I always want him to give me some gesture but he isn't a touchy-feely T and I understand that. It does bother me sometimes because I am a touchy person and he's not, but I accept it for what it is and am greatful to have him.

Thanks, good advice. I was too chicken to take it though. Maybe someday.

[Broom Hilda]

Originally Posted by sunrise

Broom Hilda, on the days your T does not touch you, is he "coldly clinical" in other ways? Or do you perceive him that way mainly because of the lack of touch?

My T and I hug at the end of some of our sessions, but not all. I think we hug when there has been more emotion in the session, either positive (joyful, celebratory) or negative (sad, upset, etc.). When the session is more even-keeled it seems to me we don't hug as often.

Even when my T and I don't hug at the end of a session, he is warm in other ways--his voice, his eyes, his affect, etc. So I have never felt my T was withholding affection from me, just that sometimes we hug and sometimes we don't. I think the hug is more of a cap or exclamation point to the emotion of a session. Also, when I have been having a really hard time and session has been hard too, I think I get the hug because T perceives (correctly) that I have a greater need for comfort. So he responds to that and gives "more."

No, I don't think that once there is a hug or touch that there needs to be one every session. I think if the client is very focused on the touch, and will interpret its lack to mean something negative about T, then it could signify some insecurity in the attachment. Alternatively, if the T is very cold in other ways on the days he doesn't touch, then it could mean something is up with him--like his own stuff is affecting his performance that day.

Broom Hilda, I think it is worth sharing with your T that you perceive him to be coldly clinical on some days. I think most Ts would want to know that. Maybe you could get some reassurance. Good luck.

He's not cold during the session. It just feels like a business transaction at the end when he doesn't touch me. (I know ultimately that is what it is... but at the same time it's not dang it.). He's just more "ok, see you next week. bye.". Maybe describing him as cold was unfair. Yes, I feel discouraged when he doesn't give me a simple pat on the back. I worry that he doesn't care and every move is a clinical calculation/manipulation. Then I feel stupid for having such strong feelings for someone who is just doing a job. Then comes the spiral of nobody could really care about me. Guess I'm fragile. It feel like I need that encouragement to keep going when I'm doing better as well as when I'm not.

I saw him, brought up none of this (of course), but had a very signifigant insight about my core issues. Got my pat on the back and feel encouraged and cared for. When it's not there, whether it's right or wrong of me, I feel discouraged and abandoned. What you said makes sense. I am insecure about the attachment. No matter how many times he says he won't abandon me I expect it to happen. Thanks for your insights.