[mixedup_emotions]

When I arrived, I felt so awful that I didn't think I could make it out of my car. But I did.

I went inside, and T seemed so happy to see me.

When I got in the room, I had my sunglasses on because my migraine was so bad. One member suggested that we dim the lights a little, and I asked T if he would mind. He dimmed the lights, so I was able to take off the sunglasses.

Another member immediately said that he wanted to know more about my post on the blog....

So, there I went....spilling it all out. I shared about how I experience my moments of shutting down and what that does to my emotions, helps me feel totally empty, and that ultimately I then end up feeling badly because that way I don't feel as though I have any value in group.

Then, I explained that I was having a very difficult time with the topics that were talked about last week because of my experiences with my ex-husband.

Then, I shared that I recognized that I am uncomfortable with having new members in group because it triggers the realization that T has closeness with other people in the room. I said it just doesn't sit well with me, he's my T!

One person in the group - a long time member who started the same day as me - responded saying that he was relieved because he thought that I was coming in today to say that I was leaving group. He said that it was not like me not to post on the blog in detail. I thanked him for saying that he was relieved. (That felt good to hear.) I explained that I didn't post more on the blog because I wasn't feeling well - and that I have a tendency to write a lot but not address it in group - and felt that it would be better to talk about it in person in group so that it would be addressed.

T asked me if I was ok, with feeling as awful as I did, to have the dialogue. I told him that I was ok and that one of my concerns was to be not only physically but also emotionally drained by coming to the session...so if I can't handle it, I would not hesitate to say so and will not allow myself to get overwhelmed. I will cry mayday if I need to. (GO ME!)

A couple of people then asked some questions about my ex....and I answered them. Nothing of significance though....

Then, another member walked in late....she was having a difficult time with something the past week - so I checked in with her to see how she was doing, saying that I was concerned....She immediately took the floor for basically the rest of the session.

At the end of the session, T brought it back to me saying that he recognized that I made a great effort tonight with not feeling well to show up to group and to share some very difficult things...and that he noticed that I didn't get anything back from the group...and that he doesn't want me to be discouraged, and to continue to address it.

I told him that I was pretty much used to the idea that I don't get any feedback on the issues that I bring...which isn't good for me. (Afterwards, a part of me wondered if he wanted the issue of my discomfort with him having closeness with others to be a topic to inflate his ego....hmm...maybe something for me to address in my individual session on Thursday?)

As we were leaving, one group member that I've grown closer to said he felt badly that I didn't get any feedback and that, in retrospect, he would've wanted to redirect the discussion back to the issues I raised - because I am more important to him than this other member who took the floor for the rest of the session. He said he would address it on the blog.

I feel good about the fact that I shared what I did - mostly because I know that T would find some value in that - and that I spoke up about something that was "stuck" inside me. But I also think it proved my point that my sharing in group only serves as a conversation starter and has no real value because my issues don't really get addressed....

Perhaps my next step is to ask the group what it is about me or my issues that leave them speechless...

[jennaorgana]

i understand how you feel about being left out by your t... when you forge these relationships with your t it is sometimes hard to come to the realization that they do have other people to work with, no matter how strong your connection is to him/her.

i have to say that i so unbelievably admire your honestly here. you are frank and level headed and if you never thought this before, you should know now that you seem so strong and you have more ambition and strength in you than you think. it takes a LOT to write a blog, especially an honest one.. trust me, i know. i've only ever done groups while inpatient residential, which i've been for almost the past year, but i never really got the group dynamic down.

i don't have much to say other than that, i just thought you deserved some credit when it comes to your strength and honesty.

jenna
www.mylifeintreatment.wordpress.com

[online user]

You poor dear--going through all that, suffering from a migraine! You seem like a strong and resilient person. Wish I were in your group to share with you and get to know you better!

[inbloom]

Wow! Good for you for saying and sharing what you needed too in spite of feeling bad physically.

For what it's worth I just thought that I would share, that long ago when I was seeing a different T than I am now, he ran a group with several of us that were his patients. Honestly, I couldn't hang. I just couldn't get past that whole, "he's MY T thing" and I didn't care to see the way that he interacted with his other clients. So, I give you a lot of credit for being able to deal with that.

Also, when I was in group, my issues seemed to be glossed over as well. For me, I know that this was just because I am not one who will fight for and demand attention, and I am always so conscious of whether I am talking too much and/or stealing time away from others. I think that there are many other people who are just not concerned with these things and they are perfectly happy monopolizing the time and going on and on about themselves!! Either way, I think that it was great that you were able to get some things out before someone else took the floor.

I give you credit for sticking in there. I finally had to decide that group was NOT for me....for all of the reasons (and more) discussed here.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by jennaorgana

i understand how you feel about being left out by your t... when you forge these relationships with your t it is sometimes hard to come to the realization that they do have other people to work with, no matter how strong your connection is to him/her.

i have to say that i so unbelievably admire your honestly here. you are frank and level headed and if you never thought this before, you should know now that you seem so strong and you have more ambition and strength in you than you think. it takes a LOT to write a blog, especially an honest one.. trust me, i know. i've only ever done groups while inpatient residential, which i've been for almost the past year, but i never really got the group dynamic down.

i don't have much to say other than that, i just thought you deserved some credit when it comes to your strength and honesty.

jenna
www.mylifeintreatment.wordpress.com

WOW. I didn't see myself as being strong. Thank you for your very kind words and for helping me see that.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by online user

You poor dear--going through all that, suffering from a migraine! You seem like a strong and resilient person. Wish I were in your group to share with you and get to know you better!

Aww, how sweet!

Thank you.

And you ARE in my group. My PC group. So, I look forward to getting to know you!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Wow! Good for you for saying and sharing what you needed too in spite of feeling bad physically.

For what it's worth I just thought that I would share, that long ago when I was seeing a different T than I am now, he ran a group with several of us that were his patients. Honestly, I couldn't hang. I just couldn't get past that whole, "he's MY T thing" and I didn't care to see the way that he interacted with his other clients. So, I give you a lot of credit for being able to deal with that.

Also, when I was in group, my issues seemed to be glossed over as well. For me, I know that this was just because I am not one who will fight for and demand attention, and I am always so conscious of whether I am talking too much and/or stealing time away from others. I think that there are many other people who are just not concerned with these things and they are perfectly happy monopolizing the time and going on and on about themselves!! Either way, I think that it was great that you were able to get some things out before someone else took the floor.

I give you credit for sticking in there. I finally had to decide that group was NOT for me....for all of the reasons (and more) discussed here.

Thanks, inbloom!

It's nice to know that someone can relate to my experience!

With the whole "he's MY T" issue, I know that with each introduction of a new member, I have those insecurities...but as I get to know the people, the focus seems less about them being my T's client and more about me building a relationship with them. I'm not sure if it's just masking the underlying discomfort. But, it's out there now, so I guess we'll see how things pan out. It's scary, to say the least.

I, too, have a tendency to sit back and not demand attention in group. I usually focus on helping others. Thing is, what happens in group generally mirrors what happens in real life - and it's like a laboratory for being able to see your tendencies and explore what that's like for you and others. And when I do finally get the courage to address certain issues, they are glossed over. My next step, I gather, is to address that very issue - why are my issues glossed over, and what can I (we) do to make the group stick with me to help me with my issues. I'll get there.

I also have a tendency to stick with unhealthy situations for a long period of time...so I sometimes wonder if me staying in this group is just another example of being in an unhealthy relationship...where my needs aren't getting met while I am tending to the needs of others. Wow, I just totally thought this through right.this.very.second. WOW.

This is very helpful....

[SpiritRunner]

I'm proud of you for going and being so honest and open.....good self-care in allowing yourself permission to have cried mayday if you needed to. And it really sounds like your T and others in the group were respectful of your needs, too - and respected that you were willing to come and put forth all that emotional effort even when feeling lousy.
And you know what - you are strong and resilient! You went and pushed through valiantly, not half-heartedly, but whole-heartedly....and you were present for the others in the group, too, and didn't use being sick as an excuse to check out or tune them out. So I'm impressed with that, too.
And I see this in you also, that you are so willing to be honest with yourself, even when it hurts.....and this is helping you so much.
But yes, this thing where your issues aren't getting more fully/deeply addressed....this is something that needs to be brought up. Your needs need to be met too; it isn't meeting your needs to just be helping others with their needs!
I feel sort of like this about the member who came in late and took over the floor, a lot of nerve! But maybe she's not even thinking of what she did.....or realizing the effect of it on you or on group dynamics.
Myself, I can't imagine doing that - coming in in the middle of something and then taking attention away from others and their needs....and directing it toward me (but then, I hate to have lots of attention focused on me like that anyway!)

[Sannah]

Very good MUE! But don't you see, you gave the floor to that woman who came in.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

I'm proud of you for going and being so honest and open.....good self-care in allowing yourself permission to have cried mayday if you needed to. And it really sounds like your T and others in the group were respectful of your needs, too - and respected that you were willing to come and put forth all that emotional effort even when feeling lousy.
And you know what - you are strong and resilient! You went and pushed through valiantly, not half-heartedly, but whole-heartedly....and you were present for the others in the group, too, and didn't use being sick as an excuse to check out or tune them out. So I'm impressed with that, too.
And I see this in you also, that you are so willing to be honest with yourself, even when it hurts.....and this is helping you so much.
But yes, this thing where your issues aren't getting more fully/deeply addressed....this is something that needs to be brought up. Your needs need to be met too; it isn't meeting your needs to just be helping others with their needs!
I feel sort of like this about the member who came in late and took over the floor, a lot of nerve! But maybe she's not even thinking of what she did.....or realizing the effect of it on you or on group dynamics.
Myself, I can't imagine doing that - coming in in the middle of something and then taking attention away from others and their needs....and directing it toward me (but then, I hate to have lots of attention focused on me like that anyway!)

Thanks for the support and validation! It means a lot!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Very good MUE! But don't you see, you gave the floor to that woman who came in.

Thanks, Sannah.

Oh yes, I do see that I gave the floor to that woman...and it didn't dawn on me until after the session that I felt resentful that she did not make any acknowledgment of the affect that my doing so had on her...and that she used the opportunity to make the rest of the session about her (not the first time).

One of the struggles that we go through in group is trying to find a good time to step in, to redirect attention, to change the focus...and the last time I did that, she was ticked off about it. And I learned that it was my discomfort with the topic that led me to try to change the focus.

So, perhaps, next time, it'll be about my resentment for her not giving an opportunity for the focus not to be on her and disappointment that she does not seem to be interested in anyone other than herself in that room. Hmm. I need to figure out if that's true for me or not....

But I am a bit upset about it. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was. And I made a comment to her that I know she didn't like during the session about my perception of her interaction with another member. Perhaps some of that was driven by my resentment. This is good stuff.

[Sannah]

Yes, it is good stuff! IMO, your focus should be on you. It is her job to worry about what she has to work on. And I agree, you "jabbed" her because of resentment. I did a lot of work on realizing how I handed things over to other people. I can only control myself and not anyone else, so I have gotten really skilled at learning how to do what I need to do for myself - out in the open - to get my needs met. For example, my problem was that I didn't realize how I gave to narcissistic people. Heck, I would listen to them for hours. When I realized this, it never happened again. I will get up and leave the presence of a narcissist. I don't owe them anything and I have every right to meet my needs. So I learned what I can do to take care of myself.

What I was thinking could have happened in your incident is that woman would have come in and you could have said hello and then went right back to your story.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Yes, it is good stuff! IMO, your focus should be on you. It is her job to worry about what she has to work on. And I agree, you "jabbed" her because of resentment. I did a lot of work on realizing how I handed things over to other people. I can only control myself and not anyone else, so I have gotten really skilled at learning how to do what I need to do for myself - out in the open - to get my needs met. For example, my problem was that I didn't realize how I gave to narcissistic people. Heck, I would listen to them for hours. When I realized this, it never happened again. I will get up and leave the presence of a narcissist. I don't owe them anything and I have every right to meet my needs. So I learned what I can do to take care of myself.

What I was thinking could have happened in your incident is that woman would have come in and you could have said hello and then went right back to your story.

Thanks, Sannah....

I know you've experienced gestalt therapy, so I'm curious to know how you would handle a narcissist in a gestalt group therapy setting - where you're supposed to express your feelings.

In this situation, the woman posted on the blog the week prior that she wasn't going to be in group that week, posted a little bit about what she was dealing with and that if she ever needed support, this would be the week and that she might post more details. I responded on the blog saying that if she wanted to post more details that I would be there and that I care.

She didn't post on the blog, which was ok. She had a lot going on. But when she walked in the room, I wanted her to be aware that I cared and was concerned...that I wanted her to have her space to talk about what she needed.

I guess I just wasn't expecting there to be no acknowledgment from anybody of what occurred and that the rest of the session was going to be about her.

My comment to her had to do with an exchange she was having with the member sitting on the opposite side of me. I was smack dab in the middle of both of them - and both of them were basically one-upping each other in a debate that was going nowhere. T interrupted the exchange to allow for others to comment on that particular exchange. I started with the one guy, saying that I sensed that he wasn't being totally honest with his feelings, that I feel as though he's suppressing some anger towards her which is coming off in the tone of his voice....and then I turned to her and said that I was turned off by what I saw as her barking. Others in the room basically echoed my observation.

Of course, the fact that I was enduring a bad migraine and was RIGHT in between the two of them didn't help.

I'm just wondering if - had I not been so unwell, sitting where I was, and feeling resentment towards her (which I wasn't aware that I was feeling at the time) - if my response to her would've been more gently delivered. I'm not sure though. Food for thought.

Anyway...

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I told him that I was pretty much used to the idea that I don't get any feedback on the issues that I bring...

MUE, why do you think you don't get feedback? Do other members tend to get feedback and you don't? If it were me, I might ask the group why. Or maybe your T has an idea why, since he has noticed it too.

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I also have a tendency to stick with unhealthy situations for a long period of time...so I sometimes wonder if me staying in this group is just another example of being in an unhealthy relationship... where my needs aren't getting met while I am tending to the needs of others.

This is so so true for me. I will stick with something or someone long after most people would have left. It's like I am a glutton for punishment or something. This may be a really interesting insight you have had here!

[WikidPissah]

(((MUE))) I got to hand it to you, I read about your frustrations in group and I can't believe the strength you have to go back there every week. You amaze me.

I tried a group for about 8 weeks. I never spoke a word the entire time, but there was this one person who dominated every meeting. I think she was more histrionic than narcissistic...but whatever. I barely talk outside of my home because I am so shy, I can only imagine how awful it would be if I did speak up, and in return received no feedback.

[mixedup_emotions]

[quote=sunrise;1722872]MUE, why do you think you don't get feedback? Do other members tend to get feedback and you don't? If it were me, I might ask the group why. Or maybe your T has an idea why, since he has noticed it too.[quote]

Yes, other members tend to get more feedback...and I am going to ask the group why. Granted, if there's an issue between members in the room, that becomes the focal point because it's "in the moment" which is how gestalt therapy works. But I've found that many times, people who bring issues into the room get "something" out of it....except me.

For me to have brought up something so intimate and personal, such as my feelings about T having other clients....and to get nothing as a response. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Now, I could understand if they didn't want to comment on the topic - like sharing their own uncomfortable feelings, etc. But they could at least share what emotion they felt as a result, or commented on how I delivered my message, how they perceived me, etc. Something!

Now, when there's drama in the room between members...it's a full on session....It makes me wonder why T tries to encourage me to bring up my very, very, VERY personal history into the room. Why? So it can be met with crickets? No thanks.

MUE, wow, what a mammoth effort you made.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions
I also have a tendency to stick with unhealthy situations for a long period of time...so I sometimes wonder if me staying in this group is just another example of being in an unhealthy relationship... where my needs aren't getting met while I am tending to the needs of others.

I think this is something really important to think about- I'd be so interested to hear what you decide when you reflect on this...

Hope your head feels much better very soon