[BlessedRhiannon]

Hi all,
I'm new here, obviously. I posted a quick intro in the Intro thread earlier this week. I had something happen yesterday in therapy and really just wanted to share it with people who would actually understand why it was such a big deal.

Let me preface by saying I NEVER cry in front of other people, and almost never cry even in front of my therapist. Yes, I've let a few tears slip out when talking about a particularly difficult subject, but that's about it. I was taught that it is unacceptable to let others see my negative emotions, so I learned to repress them in front of anyone else. That included never letting anyone see me cry.

Yesterday was a very painful anniversary for me. My session started out normal. We talked about some things that I had been very anxious about and the way I dealt with those things. Then, I was explaining that my anxiety had been made worse by this anniversary...and then I started crying. Actually crying! Not just a few tears and then getting it back under control. I didn't sob, I don't feel comfortable enough to do that, even in the presense of my therapist. However, just crying was a huge thing for me. I spent most of the session going back and forth between tears and talking. It felt so freeing to be able to cry in front of someone else, to show my true emotions, even if it was grief. To not feel like I had to be strong for anyone else. To let someone else be strong for me. She didn't try to comfort me or make me feel better, she just let me feel what I was feeling. It was exactly what I needed, what I've always wanted. For the first time, I felt like it was okay to display a "negative" emotion and that I was being accepted for who I was right then.

Of course, now I'm a little anxious about our next session. The embarrassment and anxiety are starting to set in. I know she will pick up on that, and even if she didn't, I've already emailed her and told her what I'm feeling and that I'd like to talk about it in our next session. She replied back that it's normal and we will talk about it. This is the third therapist that I've worked with, but the first I've ever really trusted. I'm so grateful that I've found her and that she understand and is willing to work with me in the ways I need.

---Rhi

[Sweetlove]

Welcome BlessedRhiannon! I know exactly how you feel, I was in therapy for 6 years with someone I cried only a handful of times with. Now, I 've been with my new T for a year and I cry almost every session for one reason or another. Of course, I've had more things happen since I was in therapy last, but I think it still makes a difference that I'm starting to really trust my T.

I think it's great your starting to feel enough trust and comfort to be emotional with your T...it's a big deal! Good for you

[rainbow8]

Wow! I for sure know how you feel because I've been with different Ts for 15 years and still have never shed a tear! I want to, but something stops me. I understand how freeing it was for you because I imagine myself crying and how I'd feel the same way.

I'm sorry about your pain on that anniversary, but congratulations on being able to cry with your T. Yes, it IS a big deal!

[Suratji]

Wonderful! What a release and relief you must feel. And I know what you mean about feeling the need to be 'strong'. How has it happened that we've convinced ourselves that crying is negative? I am coming to believe that it's actually immensely healthy and empowering. Don't they tell us that burying our emotions is one cause of disease - mental and physical? So, congratulations BlessedRhiannon.

[SpiritRunner]

I'm glad you could have that release!
It's so hard for me to let go of my tears.....we talk often of them being there and needing to come, but it remains hard for me to simply let go. So I really admire/respect anyone who has come to the place of being able to let go and let their tears come......it's really a positive thing, not negative!

[BlessedRhiannon]

Thanks! I'm glad y'all understand how huge that was for me. I've been with this T for over a year and a half. It's just been in the past 4 months that I've really started to trust her with some things. We've talked about me needing to let the tears come, but I've never been able to before.

Something my T said to me two weeks ago just stuck with me, and it made me feel safe enough to cry yesterday. Two weeks ago, I was upset about a disclosure I'd made to her and she asked me to email her later in the day with an emotional update. I told her in email that I wanted to cry but couldn't. She replied back that she hoped I could back off on controlling the tears little by little and that it's all a natural, cleansing, and releasing process and to trust it even though it's weird and scary for me.

--Rhi

[Gently1]

crying is a great release, i also learned to avoid showing emotion, and if i was sitting in a sad movie, i could only tear with the eye that the person sitting beside me could not see

now in therapy crying is like breathing, not that cry all the time, but feels like a natural bodily function, and now i am even learning what the tears mean that i have emotions that I am still learning to identify.

A great friend told me that therapy is the process of becoming human.
i am starting to understand what she means.

all the best