[Melbadaze]

arrived at session yesterday, sat awkard the same ole same ole, even after 6yrs it feels so uncomfortable arriving for session. yesterday I said about this again, said how it feels stupid, T asked what was stupId? I said coming here and pouring my heart out to someone. T said thats how you felt with your mother. I have heard that response about stuff loads of times but this time I picked it up more, so I replied, but how did she make me feel stupid? T said because no matter what you told her she told you that you were lying or stupid or didn't know something, she completely took away your inner perspective.

I felt a scraping sensatIon inside of me when she said that, felit like a kiwi fruit being scraped clean with a spoon.

We sat for a While then said it strange I used the word stupid today because I recently reactivated my FB account and all those old feelings came rushing back, I thought I thought I was paased that. I said I don't know what it is about FB it always brings those feelings up. T said yes because its like your mother, unsure If shes going to answer you, and how she will answer you, and you feel empty of Your own perspective over this because she took it, so you sit with her in judgement. It was touching me deep inside tihs conversation, I read a book last week where one of the charactors realises that her needs have blinded her to whether the people she got involved with were mainly unable to provide, the need dictated everything, I reaLised my feeling around FB is like a truma reenacting the feelings I had with my mother and when this is resolved it will all changed, I'd proberbly take one look at FB and laugh and walk away. But whilst its all uncsious it all feels so immediate.

Strange how one word, stupid was so important yesterday, and how my subconcious felt ready to bring it up, because its been there with me all the time, but only yesterday did it feel right to say it.

Progress is good.

[ladyjrnlist]

The Kiwi metaphor is great. I know that feeling. Keep making progress.

[SpiritRunner]

I like your metaphor about the kiwi fruit being scraped clean, too.....I can relate to that feeling, both good and yet hard to endure sometimes. You're doing awesome!

[lastyearisblank]

I think that feeling of not knowing who you are is caused by a lack of mirroring when you are younger.. can't access own feelings...can identify with that...The mother stuff in therapy makes everything look easy by comparison...