A Mother's Guilt

My session this afternoon was disappointing. I was expecting to have an emotional one, but I was very flat. I did bring in my journal notes and read them to her. We discussed the events of last week and the whole ordeal about my daughter seeing her.

Of course, we talked about other things as well. We always talk about my relationship with my spouse and how I am doing being his caregiver. We talk about my social experiences and if I made an effort to connect with people. I should be quite pleased that we accomplished so much, but when I left, I felt totally empty and void. I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

Later on my daughter called to talk. I ended up asking her if she had really been serious about keeping her appointment this morning. Her response was, "Yes, mom. I know that I need to do this, but I don't want to mess up things for you."

It hit me right then why I was void of emotions today. I was harboring tremendous guilt for not wanting my daughter to see my therapist. After 10 years, she was finally reaching out for help and her own mother slammed the door in her face.

The reason I could not connect in therapy today was because deep inside I was thinking that my daughter should be sitting in that room, not me. This sent me into a crying hysteria. I cannot believe that I have done this to my own child.

I don't think I can go back next week, knowing what I have done. The right thing for me to do is give up my therapy and allow my child to heal. I have had such a wonderful experience, now I need to let her experience this as well.

In the other thread I mentioned that she had contacted another organization. She said that she didn't feel comfortable going to see someone that none of her family or friends could give a reference for. I don't blame her. Therapy is scary and it is so hard to take that first step. As of now, she has no plans to seek out therapy.

Guilt is overpowering me. She is only 28 years old and I don't want her wait until she is in her 40's to reach out for help again. This is what I did. My mother tried for years to get me into therapy. I was sick to death of hearing her say that every time I called her when I was having a melt down.

Looking back, I know that my mother was right. I would not be in the mess I am in now, if I had taken her advice. Now it is my turn to advise my child and help her. I cannot feel good about going to therapy knowing that my child is suffering because of my selfishness.

I am so sad. This guilt and shame are killing me. While I do not want to give therapy up, good mothers make sacrifices for their children. Sometimes we have to make hard decisions. This one is very hard for me to do. Giving up therapy feels like a death to me. I feel like my life line is being cut off. But how can I save my life, and allow my own child to drown?

Thank you for all of your support during this time. I feel very embarrassed right now. You worked so hard to get me through this. I feel like a failure and do not deserve the support you gave to me.

Squiggle, wow, that is so tough. I can relate, being the mother of 3 grown children. You're right - we are in the habit of sacrificing for our children. It's habit for us and when we don't, we will feel guilty. I know I do and I have.

But, now your daughter is grown. She is an adult. She can choose to be courageous and see a therapist that is unknown to her. That's what I did. I just picked a name out of a list of therapists and called her. I had no idea if I would like her or not. It is a risk but not a horrible risk. If I hadn't resonated with my T, I would have tried another. It's just like going to a new doctor.

So, let your daughter be the adult that she is. You should not have to sacrifice your well-being just because she has decided she doesn't want to go with a therapist she hasn't gotten any recommendations about. I mean, that's what most of us are forced to do and it isn't unusual. Encourage her to make the 'grown-up' step and call the other organization.

Remember - if you had have decided to forgo your own therapy, in the end that wouldn't have helped your daughter at all. There would have been fall out - you losing your own support and what would have been the consequence of that? Also, any lingering resentment you'd have towards your daughter.

So, I believe you made the right decision. We mothers must stop feeling so responsible for our adult children!!!!!!

(((((((((((Squiggle)))))))))))))))

I read in a book last night that rescuing people "diminishes" them. I thought that was an interesting way to look at it....that instead of helping, maybe we're sending the message "you're not strong enough/capable enough to do this thing, so I am going to rescue you and do it for you"

Your daughter is an adult, and it is amazing and wonderful that she wants to seek help to heal. AND you are also amazing and wonderful for allowing YOURSELF to seek the help YOU need to heal.

Therapy relationships are important. You have put time and effort into building that relationship. You are important. There is no reason for you to give up your therapy for your daughter.

It IS uncomfortable to see a T we know nothing about. I found my T on the internet, and knew nothing about him other than what it said in his little blurb and the little bit of information I was able to get from a couple of phone calls...and he has turned out to be the most amazing T, seriously, a gift that is way more than I ever would have thought I deserved.

What if someone like that is out there for your daughter? She CAN do this. Just like you did.

Please give yourself the gentleness and care that you SO deserve.

Yes, yes, yes! It's one of the things I struggle with now, because my parents have always tried to fix everything for me, and I felt that my abilities were always being minimized.

From a "daughter" perspective...I'm only a few years older than your daughter, and I would feel horrible guilt if my mother were to quit seeing a T so that I could go. I would (and did) feel so much stronger if I were to make the decision to find a T of my own. Yes, mothers feel guilt and feel like they should fix things for their children. But, adult children are capable of doing things on their own, and need their parents to recognize and allow that. Perhaps, what you could do to help your daughter would be to ask your T for a recommendation of a good T for your daughter.

I've read your posts on this, and I know you've been struggling with this decision. I hope you are able to find a solution that will work for you both and allow you both the help you need.

I don't understand... you seem to be saying that ONLY you or your daughter can see the T. ....-- NOT both of you? why is that?

I first saw the T. I go to and then both my sons saw her seperately. I trusted her and felt that they were safe with her, since I felt safe with her-- I could then feel good about them working with her. Couldn't you both see your T.-- seperately??
It worked out very well for us anyway-- just wanted to share that. T. could better understand things within our whole family and better understood my struggles.

are you fearful that your daughter will say some things that you've not shared with T.? (you don't have to answer that if you're not comfortable) or maybe it's that it would cause your relationship with T. to feel "different" sharing T. with a close family member?...

anyway-- I hope your daughter gets the kind of help that will steer her in a healthy direction, and that you continue to get the help that is best for you too.

.... wondering.... perhaps it's not common for others within families to see the same therapist??... I never thought about it before..... maybe I was fortunate in that it worked out ..........hmmmmmm

fins

First, you are NOT terrible for wanting to keep your T to yourself. Seeing that your needs are met does not make you a bad person or a bad mother, and I agree with those who have said that your daughter CAN seek out and find her own therapist. In fact, I think that when someone is really ready to heal, they will do whatever it takes to find a T that can help them, and that this is part of beginning to heal in itself.

At the same time, I would also suggest that it does not have to be you OR your daughter with this therapist. I did read your other thread, and I think that if you have decided that you are just not comfortable with both of you seeing your T, then this is perfectly ok for you to make this decision, BUT, for what it's worth, I can tell you that my sister and I have been seeing the same therapist for many years, and before my brother died, he saw my T too. Truly, it has been a positive thing for us. I feel like it offers my T a greater perspective regarding our circumstances and strengthens his perceptions and understanding of my life.

On the other hand, when my mom was looking for a T, I did NOT want her to see mine, SO, I asked mine for referrals for her. Since, I trust him, I felt really good about offering her the names of T's that he recommended. Is this an option??

Clearly, there is no right or wrong answer here, and you are not doing anything bad or wrong by choosing what works best for you and meets your needs.

purple-fins....not sure if you followed my other threads. That would explain this. It is not that my therapist cannot see both of us. The issue is that I know my daughter and her issues. I know what it is like to get into therapy and dig up skeletons! I would end up being her soul support system to help her through that. She has severe anxiety, panic attacks and major anger issues. Opening all that up in therapy would magnify them for awhile. I feel that I would get totally burdened down trying to help her.

She would not feel comfortable talking with anyone else about some things from her past. I would end up getting so wrapped up in her therapy, that I would not spend time focusing on what I need to work on.

I am not fearful that she would say something to my therapist about me, yet when you start really getting deep into your emotions, things come up that you did not know were there. I would not feel comfortable with her talking about me in therapy, nor would I feel comfortable talking about her in my sessions.

It took me a long time to get a working relationship with my therapist. I just don't want to do anything to jeopardize that relationship. This is why I feel so guilty. I am thinking of myself too much! If she saw someone else, I could handle that a lot better. I could be more of a support for her. I do want her to be in therapy, but I don't think it is in my best interest for us to see the same therapist.

I'm sorry Squiggle, I think that maybe I wasn't totally clear on everything when I made my last post. It really sounds like you have thought long and hard about all of this. Judging by what you wrote above, it sounds to me like seeing your therapist wouldn't be in your daughter's best interest either! It doesn't sound like it is just all about you and you thinking about yourself. It sounds like you are also thinking of a situation that will best allow you to be there for her as she begins to heal and face her demons, and that this situation would work best if she were with another T. This is definitely not selfish on your part. If anything, it sounds like you ARE trying to take care of your daughter while also protecting your own needs. I don't know if you can ask anything more than that of yourself!!!

Thanks for your support (once again) in this matter. I am feeling better after reading your responses. Even though our children grow up, we always think of them at some certain stage in their life. I still think of my daughter as being 16. That is the age that sticks with me.

Although she is living with me at the moment, she is very independent. She does have friends and a very active life. But she still talks to her momma about all the personal stuff. Sometimes it is TMI!

maybe you could help your daughter by going with her to a different therapist so that youo can compare notes after? it's not like your T is the only therapist in town - your daughter has other options, but is refusing to take them. that's her responsibility, not yours.

i was 19 when i started seeing my pdoc. the GP recommended a lovely lady, who ended up having a 6 month waiting list. so he called around and found pdoc who was just starting out, and had more free sessions that filled one. and pdoc has been the best person i could ever have hoped to have met.

i've also gone through 6 psychologists, so sometimes it's just trial and error. seriously, the worst that will happen is your daughter won't click with the first T she sees. she can keep looking. this isn't your responsibility to take on, squig .

Treehouse- This is EXACTLY what i was talkinig about when i replied to your post about you having so much insight for others! And I completely agree with you 125%

Squiggle- I think that what you are trying to do for your daughter is beautiful and shows how much concern and love that you have for your daughter but I have a question. Why do you need to suffer?? Perhaps your daughter could visit her GP and ask for a referral to another T. -Also remember even though you still see her as 16yrs old. She isn't anymore. She is an adult. Also if you weren't in therapy do you think that she would still consider going to therapy herself? Just a thought, because if you weren't seeing your current T then she would have no choice but to go see someone that she hasn't heard about. I wish the both of you happiness and good health.

I fully agree; you say things so well, tree!
Squiggle, you deserve to keep your T and your relationship and preserve the work you have done, because it is SO valuable......and your daughter deserves to find a good T and develop her own healing relationship. I am sure there is someone out there for her....and it really may be better for her to do the searching and the choosing herself, too.
And you deserve to allow yourself peace in caring for yourself and your needs.....you ARE worthy of that. You are a good mother....never doubt that. But before that, you are a woman, with a heart, mind and soul you need to take care of too.

Did anything about this situation get discussed with your therapist during session? Did this help at all?

(((( Squiggle ))))

I know how hard it is, to feel as though you are putting your own needs in front of your daughter's needs....But I am hoping that with the feedback you are getting, that you realize that it's not just black and white.

I went through something similar with my niece. She is going to school to become a psychologist...and she has a lot of growing up to do. She's an emotional mess at the moment, and she asked if she could get the name of my T so she could make an appt.

I told her NO. She was quite upset about that, but I'm sorry. I did not feel comfortable at all with her becoming one of my T's clients. I'm sure there's a lot there for me. So, she decided not to see a T at all....for the moment.

Part of me felt guilty about that....but I thought to myself, had I not been going to T, what would she have done? My T is not the only one around and she - as an adult - needs to take some ownership of this and find what she needs without it being a situation that would add stress to my life.

We did talk about this, but I didn't share about the guilt I feel. The conversation was more about why that situation would not work for me. The majority of the guilt hit me when I got in my car to leave that session.

I am better today. Reading these posts has helped me alot. Thanks for the support and not making me feel like I am getting on your nerves!!