good news/bad news/confusing news

I saw T today. The good news: she says we will revisit trauma work, later, not right now. Anytime T says something like that it makes me feel good because it's assuming that there will BE a later, which means she's not thinking it's about time I stopped coming to see her.

Sort of confusing/unexpected: T asked me how I would feel about doing an intensive, 8-12 week anxiety protocol. She didn't tell me what the name of it is, but she said it involves a combination of symptom tracking and relaxation exercises, so to me that sounds like of like the typical CBT-type anxiety therapy, yeah?

She said "we will have you anxiety free in 8-12 weeks" but she said it with a laugh, which was good because in no way do I believe that will happen. I told her as much, and she said, "well, I can tell you that I really believe we can significantly decrease your anxiety in that time." I told her I would try it if she thinks it will help and not hurt. She said she will make sure it doesn't hurt, lol.

The bad news: spent most of the session talking about my 16 year old son and his issues and how they effect the family. Which was important, but didn't feel really good to me because I only have 50 mins, you know? I want to go there and feel like it's about ME. I told "I'm spending all my time today talking about (my son), and when I go home I have to pick up (my son) and then I have to deal with (my son) and his interactions with his siblings all night. It's all (my son), all the time."

Anyway, none of that is the bad news. The bad news is, T told me again that she doesn't know how to help me with parenting, in particular the challenges of parenting an ODD teen. What she said was, I don't know what I would do in that situation, either.

Boy, do I not like to hear that. I need to feel like T is helping me, or at least is trying to. I need to feel like there IS help out there. My T has 20+ years experience and has worked with adolescents extensively, especially ones with ODD, BPD, etc. If she's telling me that she doesn't know what to do, it makes me feel really, really hopeless about ever figuring it out myself.

(((((zoo))))))

wow. that's a lot of stuff for one session. I was wondering if your son had a T for his issues, and if that T took time to help you learn to deal with him. It just makes sense that if your child has difficulties, you would need to process that with someone. sigh.

As far as the anxiety thing, I would love to know what that process is and how it helps. Like you, I can't imagine anything helping my anxiety...but I'm open to hearing ways others are helped. I really hope it works out well for you.

I really hear you on this. Sometimes I find it really hard to find a balance when there is SO much to say and so little time. There is the *today* stuff, i.e. kids, parenting, relationship, current events, and then there is the past and the internal stuff left over from the past that affects day to day life. Often, I am having issues with current parenting stuff that I want to address but I am ALWAYS aware when this stuff starts to suck up the time and I haven't yet gotten to the *me* stuff. Sometimes it does happen and there is just no preventing it, but I really try to avoid it because I then walk away feeling like I didn't take care of *me* at all.

Anyway, just wanted to share that I *totally* understand!!

I am also interested to hear how the anxiety stuff goes. My own is out of control and I am always curious to see if there are useful treatments and tools out there that I haven't yet tried.

Zoo...the anxiety protocol sounds interesting...did she tell you what it entails? Like journaling or mediation or anything like that?

I know how it feels to talk about everything except YOU. I spent almost the entire last session talking about my mother and wanted to stop and talk about myself. When I finally said I was done talking about my mom, he asked why and then continued. Eventually, I realized that we weren't just talking about my mom...we were talking about what was bothering ME. It was about me, I just couldn't see it. Anyway, it ended up being helpful and what I needed at the time.

((((zoo)))) Sounds like you had quite a mix in your session! I know how it feels to spend a lot of time talking about a situation with another family member....and feel like it isn't about me. But it really is.....because it's about how it's affecting me and I can talk about my emotions related to that person/situation and have someone who's more objective about it fully listen to me. In my session today we spent a chunk of time talking about my husband and a situation I have with him right now that really triggers me.....but I had other things I wanted to spend more time on than that. So I relate to how you feel.....but then I also realize now how much it helped me to talk about the stuff that felt like it was more about someone else than me, because it really was about me and supporting me!
The anxiety protocol thing makes me curious, too. It might help you a lot more than you think it will right now!

Eileen, I am still working on getting both individual Ts for my kids and another T for all of us. It's a lot of red tape, dealing with state insurance and community mental health and coordinating services from different agencies. It is taking a lot longer than I thought it would. It's hard to not discouraged.

(((((((Zoo))))))) Wow- that is rough about your son. Did your T have any experts she could refer you to for help with the ODD son issue?

It will be really helpful when he gets his own T. Some of the things that I have learned about kids is 1) don't make anything into a battle because this increases their resistence. I would approach him as "this is a problem, what are we going to do about it". 2) Of course they need consequences but it helps if the consequences are free of emotions. 3) Everyone, including kids do things for reasons. Uncovering the reasons is the easiest way to solve the issue. 4) Many kids are angry and this is what is causing the issues.

Actually, I just remembered. What I do when I'm volunteering at the school is I bring up the incident and then I ask "what's going on"? If they try to blame others or tell me some stories I listen and then say either "let's get back to you for now" or "I think you are telling me some stories here". Of course, keeping emotions low is key.

((( zoo )))

I'm glad your T is sticking with you and that she is looking for ways to help you with anxiety. It shows that she is really committed to working with you and giving you the help that you need.

I can certainly understand your feeling of being discouraged by her lack of ability to help you with the issues surrounding your son. It seems as though she is willing to hear you vent and be there for you - to help you with YOU - but that you are looking for more than that from her, to help your venting be worthwhile in some tangible way.

I'm glad you are planning to involve other Ts to help with your kids and family issues. Hopefully that will go a long way.

Just because your T can't help you doesn't mean that you have to figure it all out by yourself. I have been in a similar situation, where I wanted professional advice on my parenting from someone, and my T was not the person to help. We did talk about parenting issues sometimes, but I needed something beyond his expertise and focus. We talked about this and I told him what I was looking for, and we brainstormed on how I could get the help I needed, and he gave me several referrals. I think it's OK that a particular therapist cannot do everything for us. I am glad you are looking for other therapists to help with the parenting issues. I ended up seeing a family therapist for a while together with my daughter, and she also got an individual therapist. The very best person for help with parenting, though, was neither of these. It was the therapist who was our "parenting specialist" during our divorce. I saw her several times (as did my kids and XH), and she knew so much about working with children and gave me the best, really useful, nuts and bolts advice. What I really wanted was to find someone like her, but the family therapist and individual therapist for my D did not really fill her role (although they were helpful in different ways). I think there may be people out there like her, though. I could not continue to see her for parenting advice after our divorce due to our contract, otherwise I would have.

Zooropa, I hope you will keep looking for the services that will be helpful to you. And it's OK that your T cannot give you the parenting help you need. At least she was up front and told you that. I hope you can tell her what you need vis a vis parenting help and that she will have some ideas or referrals for you.

I am curious about the anxiety protocol. Are you going to do it? Is it a new technique she has learned recently? I'm thinking if a T knows how to treat anxiety effectively, perhaps they would just mix it into therapy all along? So perhaps you are already familiar with some of what she will do because you've been seeing her for a while? Somehow, the word "protocol" is a bit offputting to me, as it sounds so formulaic and kind of objectifying, but if it works, it works! Good luck with this.