[WePow]

Saw my T today.

We went over what happened with the last session and the email fallout.
My T was very proud of me for taking ownership of my transference.
Even though I didn't know how to fix it or what was actually wrong, I did know it was more than what I could feel at the time.

I learned today that it was safe to be upset about something T said . I learned it was ok to let my younger parts panic a bit and question the world and our safe people . At the same time, I was able to keep an adult part of me mentally aware of the situation.

PC was here for me when I needed the support

It was hard to go through that level of pain. But I did it.
And T responded with his .

It was a wonderful session because I got to spend an hour being proud of myself for doing a good job with everything

And my T was there with a big smile and telling me how far I have come. He was my cheerleader today

I know that this was a special session - a special day. I know I have a ton more work to do. I know I will mess up again and think T is being mean when he is not. But now I know I can also overcome the ruptures in an adult way. So today, I am going to allow myself to enjoy this good connection.

A very strange thing did happen as I was leaving session though... as I was heading to the car, I noticed a spectacular sunset. I am someone who loves colors and light. And my T likes them too. Well, it was so spectacular that it stopped me in my tracks.

My first URGE was to run like a little kid back into the office and grab my T by the hand and take him outside to see what I saw! OH HOW I WANTED TO DO THAT!!!

Suddenly I felt the boundary... the balance that he is my T ... the wall.
That is when the strangest thing EVER happened to me. I thought and felt "No. This is MY time now. I would share this with my lover or with my friend. But this is MY boundary. This joy and explosion of LIFE - my energy of overflowing dancing at the universe!! "

That is when it hit me for the very first time EVER ...

It is something special to hang out with me and witness life alongside me as a friend. It is special to have me to share the world and joy of being alive.

I am not sure if this will even make sense to anyone else reading it. I am still processing through this part of what I felt. But it was the strangest sensation because for the first time, I was not sad for myself that I couldn't rush in and take my T by the hand and show him the sunset through my eyes. It was different so much - almost (but not) - sad that my T was in the land of strangers - that he was not someone I would share MY world with.

I say almost because I really wasn't sad for him He has plenty of friends and people to show him life - and he is healthy so he gets plenty of that. And I do give him me in ways no other human will ever know - in ways only a T gets to know. But still... it was a very amazing thing to finally feel like it would be an honor for someone to get to spend time with me. Is this the start of healthy self esteem?

[SpiritRunner]

WePow, that is spectacularly awesome! And yes, this is healthy self-esteem, this is joy, your joy in life. You went a long way on your journey to healing today WePow, and thanks so much for letting us share in something this profound and special!

[elliemay]

That's amazing! What a powerful thing to have happen.

I'm so glad you shared that. I'm grateful that you got to experience it.

This life. What a ride!

I hope you have a lot of sunsets like that one.

Wow. That is awesome!!!

My newT has said that she thinks this is part of the crux of healing....seeing ourselves accurately the way the world sees us for all our gifts and strengths and truly believing it is the truth.

[Sweetlove]

Wepow...thank you for sharing that. I understand what you mean...I had that feeling a few weeks ago when I was writing in my journal...that I wish we could share more together.

Very happy for you and your amazing session

[rainbow8]

That is wonderful, WePow!!!! Thanks for sharing. I'm not there yet, but reading how you reacted to the sunset is inspiring to me.

[mixedup_emotions]

WOW. Just....WOW.

I totally get what you're saying, even though I haven't had that experience. I hope I do someday though. ((( HUGS )))

[gaia67]

That's great! You made a lot of progress today!

[inbloom]

Originally Posted by WePow

Suddenly I felt the boundary... the balance that he is my T ... the wall.
That is when the strangest thing EVER happened to me. I thought and felt "No. This is MY time now. I would share this with my lover or with my friend. But this is MY boundary. This joy and explosion of LIFE - my energy of overflowing dancing at the universe!! "

That is when it hit me for the very first time EVER ...

It is something special to hang out with me and witness life alongside me as a friend. It is special to have me to share the world and joy of being alive.

Wow. I have to admit that I am not yet to this place. I hope to feel this way about myself someday. What an amazing sign of growth and healing. Thank you for sharing this!

[Oceanwave]

Originally Posted by WePow

it was a very amazing thing to finally feel like it would be an honor for someone to get to spend time with me. Is this the start of healthy self esteem?

Yes, this.

Well done, WePow -- this IS progress. And it is true, it would be an honour for others. And actually, I think you could have gone back and dragged out your T and showed him the sunset though. I think he would have been honoured.

[lastyearisblank]

Oh this is great! Hooray!

[WePow]

(((((((((Oceanwave))))))))))) I think I could have too... but I really discovered something very healthy about ME by seeing that boundary on my terms :-)