Well, sort of, anyhow. I did leave a message for T

I was somewhere tonight and was VERY triggered out of the blue. It was one of those crappy moments when things are going along fine, and someone says something that is BEYOND triggering and all of a sudden the "fine" is gone.

I've learned to deal with certain parts of my story, and can even handle reading articles and things like that that remind me of it. But when it blindsides me out of nowhere....I'm not okay with that yet. Not even close.

When the trigger happened, I think I must have dissociated, because I remember the moment of panic, and then I remember being calm and okay until I was alone in my car finally. I called T to leave a message about something else (something good, actually) and while I was talking I realized how incredibly triggered I was. My palms started sweating and my legs felt like jello and my stomach was in knots.

I came home and started folding sheets, which was kind of grounding - they were warm from the dryer, and they smelled good and I tried to be there with that. And while I was folding them, I had a thought that led to another thought and another and I was able to put the trigger into a context that I could deal with...almost into a context that was helpful to me, really. And I did it all by myself.

I could NOT have done that even a year ago. Maybe not even a few months ago...but I did it!

I've had the experience in the last 6 months of having to work through two fairly huge things without T. One of them was REALLY big and he was across the country and we were in the middle of a giant therapy break because of that. We exchanged some e-mails, but really i did it on my own.

And tonight, I saw again, just like I did when he was across the country, that I HAVE learned something from T. I can get triggered, but I can find my way back. I don't have to get lost or use bad coping skills. T has worked so hard to show me that I am safe and I am loved, and its like I have a reservoir of that that I can draw on sometimes when I need to.

At times like this, I wonder if this is what it's like for children who live in safe houses, who feel loved? If they have some kind of inner strength they can draw on, some stored up love and safety that can get them through when something scary happens? I wonder if that's what it feels like for my boys?

I'm not always successful, but tonight I did it. I am so grateful. I can breathe.

Looks like a turning point. Good job, Tree.

[gaia67]

Woohoo, that's great! Progress feels good, doesn't it?

[PTSDlovemycats]

YAY Tree!!!

[elliemay]

This is a really powerful thing, Tree. I hope you feel very proud of yourself because you should.

IMO, the more you do this, the more the confidence in your ability to continue doing this will grow.

As far as

Originally Posted by treehouse

At times like this, I wonder if this is what it's like for children who live in safe houses, who feel loved? If they have some kind of inner strength they can draw on, some stored up love and safety that can get them through when something scary happens? I wonder if that's what it feels like for my boys?

I think it is. IMO the ability to absorb and normalize emotion is a learned skill but has its underpinnings in an innate feeling of connectedness and love. Its not that they don't feel scared, but they don't have the intense visceral reaction to mount an immediate and profound response to the fear. I'm sure your boys are that way.

[Fartraveler]

That is wonderful. That is really wonderful. Congratulations!!

[WePow]

Wow!!!! Great job !!!

[SpiritRunner]

awesome!

[inbloom]

Such a great reflection of your progress Treehouse!!! THIS is what healing looks like. It's really so amazing when we see the fruits of our hard work! Good job

[mixedup_emotions]

Wow, Tree, that's great!!! I'm taking in what you experienced, so that I can try to learn from it as well. Awesome.

[sittingatwatersedge]

I just now saw this thread of yours, Tree, Big smiles for you

and these of course !!

great job!!