[inbloom]

Trigger for just general talk of self-hatred.....I don't know if that needs a trigger, but put it just in case.

First, I just want to apologize for not being able to offer more support to each of you. I am reading the posts, and I want to be able to respond and help, but I am in a really bad space right now....I do care though, and I hope that I can be more helpful when this passes....*sigh*

I feel like I am in a nightmare.....doing so badly, wanting to erase the past instead of talk about it......feeling stuck there.......and just floating around not in my head. I have not been doing this badly for so so so long. It's awful.

I rarely call my T but really needed to just talk to him. Usually he can say things that help to un-jumble my thoughts and shift my emotions...so I left him a message asking him to call yesterday. He always calls when I ask. He sent me a text saying he's really sick and doesn't feel well enough to talk now. I don't even want him to talk to me or try to help when he's feeling bad. I always appreciate that he takes care of himself first, so that he's then able to care for me......but it's just really really CRAPPY timing. *sigh*

I'm reaching out here in exchange for doing all the other really destructive things that have crossed my mind.

Healing sucks. therapy sucks. guilt and shame SUCK!

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Trigger for just general talk of self-hatred.....I don't know if that needs a trigger, but put it just in case.

First, I just want to apologize for not being able to offer more support to each of you. I am reading the posts, and I want to be able to respond and help, but I am in a really bad space right now....I do care though, and I hope that I can be more helpful when this passes....*sigh*

I feel like I am in a nightmare.....doing so badly, wanting to erase the past instead of talk about it......feeling stuck there.......and just floating around not in my head. I have not been doing this badly for so so so long. It's awful.

I rarely call my T but really needed to just talk to him. Usually he can say things that help to un-jumble my thoughts and shift my emotions...so I left him a message asking him to call yesterday. He always calls when I ask. He sent me a text saying he's really sick and doesn't feel well enough to talk now. I don't even want him to talk to me or try to help when he's feeling bad. I always appreciate that he takes care of himself first, so that he's then able to care for me......but it's just really really CRAPPY timing. *sigh*

I'm reaching out here in exchange for doing all the other really destructive things that have crossed my mind.

Healing sucks. therapy sucks. guilt and shame SUCK!

((((( inbloom )))))

Big big big big HUGS to you right now.....The timing really does suck. I'm sorry you're in such a bad place. I know that place well, and it is really awful. I hope you can do something for YOU to help at least provide a distraction for a little while, to help you work your way out little by little.

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, inbloom. Don't feel like you have to support anyone here when you feel like that. I think we all understand, and we give when we can, and we ask for support when we need it.

It's crummy that your T is sick and can't talk to you. Can you post more about what is going on to make you feel the way you do? Maybe that would help. Please don't do destructive things to yourself! You're worth more than that. I don't know why you feel like you hate yourself. I hardly "know you" but you seem like someone I'd like to know.

[inbloom]

Thank you MUE and Rainbow

***Trigger for mention of SUI******


I think I am coming here because I really don't know what to do with myself.....sometimes, it feels like when all of the destructive coping mechanisms are taken away, there is just nothing left. I know about doing the healthy stuff, but when I feel so bad, it's only the really bad, destructive things that sound appealing.....

Rainbow, my last therapy session was just really crappy in terms of dealing with the past. It's amazing that after so many years of therapy, there are still things that come up. I think that it just really hit me that I have done alot of things to distract from/cover up certain painful events and feelings. Actually, I think that it was through our discussions here that I realized this. As I read through and really thought about the ways that we may attach to our T's in order to avoid recognizing and feeling the REAL pain....I think it all just came crashing down....and here I am, in the real pain, feeling the real feelings and all the terrible horrible places that the feelings belong. And I don't want to be here. I don't want this to be my life. I want to go back and make the past different, and I can't, and my T can't, and it really really sucks.

Also, last session we talked in depth for the first time about things that I did that I feel incredible shame and guilt about. My T was trying to remind me that I did these things because of things that happened to me....but that's just not really registering for some reason. I am just being totally sucked under by the shame and the guilt and the wanting to die. Just to be clear, I would never kill myself because I know what it would do to my family....but sometimes, the desire is still there......... also dealing with the loss of my brother for the first time in a real way......just lots and lots of pain piled on pain....and lots of self-loathing.

Thank you for caring, you guys. I have to believe that this will pass, because things always do get better. Right now, though, I am hating my reality. And, I am hating that T is unavailable when I need to hear his voice. Plus, tomorrow is the weekend and he always falls off the face of the earth on the weekends (which I friggin hate), so I am just feeling very alone in all of this.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Oh Sweetie, we are always here for you. Post as much as you need to and we will respond to you...

[mixedup_emotions]

Oh, I know the feelings well....the self-blame, the shame, the guilt....and my T kept telling me that I can't view it looking back as an adult but rather try to understand it in the context of where I was then - and that it was a result of what happened to me. It is SO HARD to grasp that when we're adults now, looking back. It's horrifying....and it's so hard to come to terms with it.

I know too about wanting to use bad coping skills because they are so much more appealing than the "healthy" ones....And even after all that I've learned, I still use the bad coping skills at times. So hard.

Just know that you are ok. Right now, you are ok. You are not living in the past. It's easy to say, but hard to hear and internalize, I know. But please try to find a way to stay grounded in the present....and post here all you need to....ok?

[SpiritRunner]

I'm not feeling in a very good place myself right now, but I wanted to at least offer you understanding and hugs, inbloom. It will pass, it will.

[Suratji]

inbloom - so sorry you're suffering so much. I wish I had some advice but all I can think of is just hang in there. That's all any of us can do and hopefully things will get better.

You're in my thoughts. Hugs.

[inbloom]

Thanks you guys Just wanted to say thank you for the support. Still feeling awful.....hating that I have to be in this place....again. T called, I missed it, but he left me a voicemail saying some encouraging things. I love him. I know he is there for me, but I still just feel so alone right now. It's yucky!

[Elana05]

inbloom,

I can relate to what you are saying. I am SO tired of dealing with shame. Just want to say over and over again, "I didn't ask for this..."
Hope your T gets back to you soon.
Keep in mind you are important.

[Sweetlove]

(((((Inbloom)))))

Just wanted to say I can relate to how you feel...had a painful session today and still feeling the effects. I'm sorry you are in so much pain...but, I'm happy your T called you back..I hope that helped some. HUGS

I'm glad T called

Sometimes when I ask for something that I REALLY need and T can't give it to me, I just feel this overwhelming shame. I'm always scared to ask for an extra appointment when I'm struggling for that very reason. I know it stems back to childhood, but it's so hard to shake. I thought of that when you posted. It's hard to be in pain, ask for help, and be told "no" for whatever reason. And just like with your T being sick, my T always has a real, legitimate reason - no openings, or whatever - and I STILL feel all of that shame.

I know it's SO easy to reach for all of the bad coping stuff when we're overwhelmed, in pain, ashamed...SO easy. Reaching out to T, and reaching out here are such good things.

T reminds me sometimes "you are NOT what you feel". I feel shame, but that is NOT who I am. That shame belongs to someone else. I feel icky, but I'm not icky. You are NOT what you feel. Believe that, because it's the Truth

I hope you can find some peace this evening.

[inbloom]

Thanks for your responses and care

I have just decided to stop trying to accomplish anything today, and to delve into my emergency supply of Ativan and try to sleep. I haven't had to do that for so long.....and I wish that I understood exactly what it is that has brought me to this place....again. I'm hoping that I'll wake up with renewed perspective tomorrow.

And, treehouse, yes, the shame is just overwhelming....made worse by T telling me no. Even though I understand, it always makes me feel small and horrible.
My T also tells me that I am not my feelings.....He said on the message that he left, that I need to remember that the past; the things that happened and the things that I did, are not who I am. I am trying to find the truth in that and hold onto it. It's hard.

Thank you all for listening.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

my T kept telling me that I can't view it looking back as an adult but rather try to understand it in the context of where I was then - and that it was a result of what happened to me.

Yes, exactly. We were not adults then, capable of dealing with things, even if we wanted to be. The future offers the hope of growing to be able to deal with those things, regardless of what we did in the past, which is past.

[babygirl2201028]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Trigger for just general talk of self-hatred.....I don't know if that needs a trigger, but put it just in case.

First, I just want to apologize for not being able to offer more support to each of you. I am reading the posts, and I want to be able to respond and help, but I am in a really bad space right now....I do care though, and I hope that I can be more helpful when this passes....*sigh*

I feel like I am in a nightmare.....doing so badly, wanting to erase the past instead of talk about it......feeling stuck there.......and just floating around not in my head. I have not been doing this badly for so so so long. It's awful.

I rarely call my T but really needed to just talk to him. Usually he can say things that help to un-jumble my thoughts and shift my emotions...so I left him a message asking him to call yesterday. He always calls when I ask. He sent me a text saying he's really sick and doesn't feel well enough to talk now. I don't even want him to talk to me or try to help when he's feeling bad. I always appreciate that he takes care of himself first, so that he's then able to care for me......but it's just really really CRAPPY timing. *sigh*

I'm reaching out here in exchange for doing all the other really destructive things that have crossed my mind.

Healing sucks. therapy sucks. guilt and shame SUCK!

but this site is here to help, i think it`s better than T, there are alot of people to relate to and that do care we`re all here to help each othher and most grps help alot, I give u hugs 2 day

Good Morning inbloom! Today is a new day. Leave yesterday behind. I hope that you have a great weekend and you are feeling better soon. I do read all of your posts. We all have ups and downs. Many of us share those with our PC friends. Give when you can, take when you can't. We are all in this together.

[inbloom]

Thanks you guys..... I am here, still feeling very sad but slightly less disjointed and floaty. It really does help to have this place as a sounding board and to know there are others like me. I really never knew that before! Anyway, I am posting from my phone and so have to keep it short..... Just wanted to pop in and say thank you for the support. It helps a lot

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( inbloom ))))) Glad you're hanging in there....Thinking of you.

[inbloom]

I have been thinking a lot today, trying to reflect on and understand why I am in this crazy place again. My T talks a lot about choice, specifically in terms of the fact that we often *choose* to stay in our pain and stay in the past for some reason....sometimes because there is something that we need to figure out..... I hated it when he used to say this because it puts control back into my hands and at the times that I hurt so much, it really *feels* like I have no control.

I was thinking about this a lot this morning, though, and realize that there is a part of me that is choosing to throw myself into the shame and the guilt because I feel like I deserve to suffer because of some of the things that I did in the past. I don't even want T's help getting out of it right now. I just feel like I totally deserve to feel as terrible as I do and I *am* making the choice to torture myself with these emotions and to just leave myself here.

It's a bad place to be, for sure, but for some reason I am stuck here, feeling like I need to be here right now....like I deserve to be here right now because I am a terrible person who deserves pain and shame and guilt and all of it.

I know that this all sounds so dismal...... I mean, if anything, at least I understand that I do have some part in why I am here??? Maybe??? I don't know...I am just sort of processing openly and not sure if I am making sense. Does anyone think that they understand what I am trying to explain? I'm not quite sure that I even get it, to be honest.

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by inbloom

I have been thinking a lot today, trying to reflect on and understand why I am in this crazy place again. My T talks a lot about choice, specifically in terms of the fact that we often *choose* to stay in our pain and stay in the past for some reason....sometimes because there is something that we need to figure out..... I hated it when he used to say this because it puts control back into my hands and at the times that I hurt so much, it really *feels* like I have no control.

I was thinking about this a lot this morning, though, and realize that there is a part of me that is choosing to throw myself into the shame and the guilt because I feel like I deserve to suffer because of some of the things that I did in the past. I don't even want T's help getting out of it right now. I just feel like I totally deserve to feel as terrible as I do and I *am* making the choice to torture myself with these emotions and to just leave myself here.

It's a bad place to be, for sure, but for some reason I am stuck here, feeling like I need to be here right now....like I deserve to be here right now because I am a terrible person who deserves pain and shame and guilt and all of it.

I know that this all sounds so dismal...... I mean, if anything, at least I understand that I do have some part in why I am here??? Maybe??? I don't know...I am just sort of processing openly and not sure if I am making sense. Does anyone think that they understand what I am trying to explain? I'm not quite sure that I even get it, to be honest.

Oh, man, do I ever get it! I was thinking the same thing today - that I deserve to suffer and I shouldn't try to make things better for myself at all and if I do start to feel better then I'll feel guilty that I'm feeling better so then I choose to punish myself (it's not that hard)

Also, to forget my misdeeds seems dishonest and I guess I need to suffer to 'atone'. Oh my goodness.

Originally Posted by inbloom

Does anyone think that they understand what I am trying to explain? I'm not quite sure that I even get it, to be honest.

Yep. It totally makes sense to me...feeling like we don't deserve to feel okay, because of things that we've done. Of course, that's not the TRUTH, of course we deserve happiness...but I have been there, for sure.

Another thing I've noticed and talked to T about is the fact that sometimes I think I keep myself in a "low level" of pain because I am scared of being blindsided by a "high level" of pain. So if *I* think I'm a horrible person, I don't deserve love, etc...then it won't feel as bad if someone else suddenly comes along and treats me badly. Total childhood defense mechanism, but SO hard to shake.

It sounds like maybe by exploring why you're feeling this way, maybe you're seeing the beginning of the pathway out? I hope so. Pain sucks

[inbloom]

Suratji, I'm sorry that you get it. I really think that a lot of it is me feeling like I have to "atone" for my sins, as you said. It so totally sucks! I am also realizing now, that there is a huge part of that "I don't deserve happiness" thing, and huge guilt when I start to feel better.

Treehouse, what you wrote rings SO true for me....

"I keep myself in a "low level" of pain because I am scared of being blindsided by a "high level" of pain. So if *I* think I'm a horrible person, I don't deserve love, etc...then it won't feel as bad if someone else suddenly comes along and treats me badly."

Yup. I do this A LOT, and you're right, it's a total childhood defense mechanism, but unfortunately it is one I have not been able to leave behind. I often feel genuine fear when I realize, "holy crap, I'm feeling really good right now!" This sends me immediately into defense mode because it's like I have further to fall once the next bad thing happens.

As I think through this, I feel like *maybe* part of me keeping myself here is in preparation for what I think that T will think of me. I was supposed to write about some stuff that I STILL can't talk about in person, and I just have this overwhelming sense that he will think I'm disgusting and never want to look at me again......so, maybe if *I* think I'm disgusting first, it won't hurt so bad.

Why why WHY do I have to pretend to be a mature grown up when I *feel* like a reckless teenager who wants to do terrible things to myself? Sometimes I get sick of being responsible and acting healthy...BLAH!

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by inbloom

Suratji, I'm sorry that you get it. I really think that a lot of it is me feeling like I have to "atone" for my sins, as you said. It so totally sucks! I am also realizing now, that there is a huge part of that "I don't deserve happiness" thing, and huge guilt when I start to feel better.

"I keep myself in a "low level" of pain because I am scared of being blindsided by a "high level" of pain. So if *I* think I'm a horrible person, I don't deserve love, etc...then it won't feel as bad if someone else suddenly comes along and treats me badly."

Yup. I do this A LOT, and you're right, it's a total childhood defense mechanism, but unfortunately it is one I have not been able to leave behind. I often feel genuine fear when I realize, "holy crap, I'm feeling really good right now!" This sends me immediately into defense mode because it's like I have further to fall once the next bad thing happens.

As I think through this, I feel like *maybe* part of me keeping myself here is in preparation for what I think that T will think of me. I was supposed to write about some stuff that I STILL can't talk about in person, and I just have this overwhelming sense that he will think I'm disgusting and never want to look at me again......so, maybe if *I* think I'm disgusting first, it won't hurt so bad.

Why why WHY do I have to pretend to be a mature grown up when I *feel* like a reckless teenager who wants to do terrible things to myself? Sometimes I get sick of being responsible and acting healthy...BLAH!

I relate, sadly enough, to just about every last word you wrote, too. The low level of pain....this is a very apt description of how I operate. I feel like it's not safe to be happy or without a low level of pain....because I know the next wave is coming and I don't want to be caught off guard (for me this isn't just childhood/adult traumas, which I do have, but my T thinks I am also bipolar....and it makes sense to me....)
I have never felt like I deserved to be happy, that I am a deeply defective person, I have a huge guilt/shame complex, compassion for others and so little for myself (once my T said to me very intensely, please have more compassion for yourself, you DO deserve it!)
I feel like I will always be rejected....and am still continually amazed that my T has not rejected me, not even after I HAVE been behaving a bit like a reckless teenager (with the thought that since I am worthy of punishment, and surely she will reject/punish me soon, I may as well just do something punish-worthy....sheessh, what oddly twisted thought processes I feel like I have!) who pushed the limits to see how far she can go....anyway I can hardly believe that somewhere underneath all the therapeutic words, she doesn't think I am so pathetic....but it's mainly because I am still thinking I am pathetic. Sigh.....
Many hugs to you inbloom ....I am so sorry you, and so many of us, have emotional wounds like these to deal with.

[inbloom]

Thank you poetgirl....and I am sorry too.....for all of us who feel these things so deeply