Doe's anyone else ever feel like understanding isn't enough? Like you're therapist just sits there and nods their head and keeps talking and talking, but it's not enough. You still feel really crappy and things still really suck and you aren't getting to the bottom of anything? And you know that it's not you, because you spend every waking moment throwing yourself out there, trying to get better, communicating needs, participating in your treatment, pulling out whole medical journal dedicated to your disorder to find answers, because the gnawing feeling is eating away at your core self?

And now I'm at the point where I am tired of fighting for myself and nobody will fight with me, despite my verbal communication. So I am gradually reverting back to old ways of communicating with self harm and eating disorders because I don't know what else to do to get them to help me.

I've asked for new therapists, change in medications, extra groups, opportunities in the community, addressing physical health concerns, getting a definitive diagnosis of DID. And I've been denied it all. And I'm just sitting here in complete shambles. And it doesn't matter what I do 8 page letters, printing out this post, talking to them. They're too busy and according to one of them "I am happy sometimes". I'm glad they suddenly know how I feel at times... I feel like they will continue to ignore me until I am dead. And then it will be too late.

I'm just kind of jabbering as I know there isn't much anyone can do for me. I'm just really frustrated. And I am doing all that I can to hold on.

[PTSDlovemycats]

(((Hugs)))

[sugahorse1]

Can you take matters into your own hands and find a therapist that you can connect with? One that you can feel cared for?
It sounds like you have been taking a lot of responsibility yourself, and it is time that someone started to listen and help. Make as much noise as you need to. You deserve help and for someone to give you the attention required to help you with DID
Who are you busy appealing to? Are those the right people that can make changes happen?

[PTSDlovemycats]

Good advice Sugahorse.

[sailboat]

Yes! I feel the same way.
Although I know T is a good therapist, I feel like she doesn't hear when I say I am not feeling good. That no, I am not okay.
I blame the lack of connection.

[sunrise]

Hi Lydia, can you say more about who it is you are asking for the things you need and that is denying you? You mentioned not being able to get a medication change, for example. When you go to your doctor and report that your current med is not working, does the doctor ignore your statement or perhaps give false reassurance to stay on the current med? You also mentioned that you are being denied treatment for your physical health concerns. That makes me wonder if you don't have a doctor, perhaps because of finances? If so, is there a low cost community health clinic you could go to for help with your health problems? You also mentioned wanting a diagnosis of DID. Many practitioners are reluctant to put that diagnosis in writing (make it official) because of the stigma attached. They don't want to do anything that might compromise your future. Plus, a lot of insurance won't reimburse for that diagnosis. So there are advantages to not having that diagnosis. You can still work on it in therapy without it being "official."

If you feel that "they" won't give you the help you need no matter what, can you leave them behind and seek out people who are willing to help?

I don't know your situation so if I am suggesting things that are impossible, please excuse me. Good luck. Hope you will post more.

[Melbadaze]

You know if you can find that one person that can understand you, then the need for meds, groups, dx's will vanish, they are just ways of filling the void we feel inside. Recommending those things for you doesn't automatically mean you have been understood, far from it many times.

[lastyearisblank]

Meds and group and other things can be helpful to you. But the doctor you're seeing now is going to keep you immobilized. The right one can make a big difference. When I saw a good therapist for a period a while back, it made all the difference in the world-- I felt like there was a warm shining light on my life and it helped me in so many areas of my life. A bad one (as you can see from my thread) tends to recreate the same battles and there can tend to be a sense of deja vu..

I might be misremembering but didn't you post about the clinic and the other patient? That doctor didn't sound great.

[Sweetlove]

Originally Posted by LydiaB

Doe's anyone else ever feel like understanding isn't enough? Like you're therapist just sits there and nods their head and keeps talking and talking, but it's not enough. You still feel really crappy and things still really suck and you aren't getting to the bottom of anything? And you know that it's not you, because you spend every waking moment throwing yourself out there, trying to get better, communicating needs, participating in your treatment, pulling out whole medical journal dedicated to your disorder to find answers, because the gnawing feeling is eating away at your core self?

To answer your question...yes. I have felt this way many times in my deepest darkest moments. I have felt that my therapist is no different than anyone else in my life who thinks I'm ok or I'll "make it through". They see other clients who they think are much more worse off than me, therefore, why would they pay any attention to me.

I can't offer you any advice because it sounds like you have exausted all options...you have really done EVERYTHING to help yourself. How long have you been seeing your T? Do you have any kind of a relationship with him/her? Are you willing to leave your T and attempt to keep searching for someone who is more qualified to help you? It may take a few trials before finding the right one, but once you find them it makes all the difference in the world!

PTSDlovemycats- Just from your username I can tell that we have a lot alike

sugahorse- This is part of the problem, in the end, no. Years ago I exhausted all private insurance going in and out of private psych wards for my PTSD. Despite that I haven't been in a hospital in three years no other private insurer will take me on, until Obama's plan passes. So I am stuck on government, which requires that I have referrals for everything. I am constantly on them for referrals but they will not provide. They have a ton of patients even more severe then I am. They're the experimental ACT team. Taking severely mentally ill patients out of the state psych wards and placing them into the community. I've told them time and time again "if you can't give me proper attention please refer me elsewhere" but they don't.

sailboat- Do you think that your T is maybe not someone you can connect to? Would you benefit from someone else? Or do you think that maybe it's a general thing with everyone and maybe you could tell you feel you can't connect to her and she doesn't understand you?

sunrise- Thank you! I feel like you're getting me!! From a few garbled sentences! Everyone else too. But about the DID thing. When I first started seeing my T four years ago we talked about the diagnosis the psychiatrist made. My second day with him he said it was impossible. So I left it go for 4 years. Because I know that DID is NOT something you wish to carry about with you. That the judgments associated with it are terrible. Among professionals in the least. So finally it got so bad inside my head. The "voices". I was loosing incredible amounts of time, calling crisis and receiving surveys that I apparently gave them permission to send that I have no recollection of. Spending money on my debit card and calling my bank in a panic. So I brought it up with my therapist. Asking him specifically to NOT label it. Don't call it "DID" don't call it "Simply Borderline" don't call them "alters". Lets just deal with it aside from labeling. That labels don't matter, but it really needed to be addressed. What did he do? Immediately he told me it was "ego states" and that it was impossible. He's not even a trauma specialist. And there he went labeling, making it something it wasn't so now I am left to deal with this unlabeled (in my book) catastrophe by myself.

As far as what I am asking for. If I ask my psychiatrist for a medication change, he will tell me that "PTSD is not treated with medications as effectively and the human mind is capable of repair and he doesn't understand why mine hasn't yet". As if I didn't feel crappy enough about not being able to be better. I'm 23 and all my friends have graduated college and I can still barely bathe myself without having a panic attack. So I have not had any med changes since my other doctor died almost a year ago. Minus the decreases he's done, which has only made me worse. Obviously.

As far as physical health concerns Like i mentioned above this is o' so famous ACT team. They are supposed to help with physical health. But they aren't even efficient with mental health. I have a hormonal imbalance a year and a half ago I asked for a referral from my family doctor to see an endocrinologist. He expressed concern that there was none in my area with good credentials. My doctor that died found one, wrote a note and then later died. The note never got to my pcp. Since then I have been fighting. They keep forgetting. It keeps slipping their minds. They'll do it "tomorrow". My PCP will not move unless my team says to. Hormone imbalances effect mood so badly. I have had to result to natural ways to get estrogen like soy milk. Which I am intolerant to, but it's better then hot flashes and days cryings. It lightens the effect.

Melbadaze- I agree with you on this. But they prove that I am invested in my recovery. And that's important to me, because I need that just for myself. To remain kicking and motivated 1 hour session a week doesn't do much when you're disabled and at home alone. Those things help lessen the effect of loneliness.

lastyearisblank- Yes that was me

[Catlovers141]

(((((((Lydia)))))))

I could have written this myself. Trying and fighting so hard and feeling like things aren't getting better fast enough, or that what you are getting isn't enough is really hard.

I don't know if you are reaching this point, but I have been dealing with this so much to the point where I am becoming extremely exhausted and depressed. Maybe you have done this already, but could you try talking to your therapist about how even if she seems so understand, things still don't feel quite right? Maybe there is another aspect of things that you and your T need to focus on.

[lastyearisblank]

That sounds so frustrating. I thought for some reason from your other post that you were inpatient. If you're living at home, do you live in an area where you have access to private therapists? It really does seem like you are dealing with a lot but you make a very compelling case for needing help and are young. You might be able to see someone pro bono... it is not just like a charity case, there are plenty of therapists might enjoy working with people who have your diagnosis and then you wouldn't be so alone.

For estrogen- I can not believe the referral got lost. Again are there other sources you can look to? Like planned parenthood?

Really happy you reached out here and I am sure others will have a bunch of ideas for places to seek help.

Catslover- Thank you for your understanding. I too am quickly becoming exhausted and depressed fighting. That sounds like good wording. I've said stuff like "there is something that we are missing in therapy and it really frustrates me". but my therapist in general has a know it all attitude and thinks he has me figured out. I think it sucks that I have to come up with proper wording for him just to get proper treatment and not deflate his ego.

lastyearisblank- The inpatient thing. Well firstly since I wrote that post, I have not even heard from my team. I would gladly place myself in there, because that I do not need them for. But the reason I wrote the post was because I had nothing to do with my dog. And I still do not. I have probably called or emailed 6 rescues and my local humane society asking for advice and nobody knows what to tell me. I can't afford to board her. I have no supportive friends or family who are dog friendly and getting rid of her would wreak more havoc on me. And my therapist gave me his bit of advice "you need inpatient, but you can't get rid of your dog." Well thanks for more pressure.

the planned parent hood thing isn't a bad idea actually. My insurance covers ob/gyn without referrals. It's the only doctor they cover without referrals. Because of birth control, and unwanted pregnancies in the general public. I think I avoided it in the past because I thought they would automatically request an exam and I would freeze. But I forgot that now I know that I am allowed to refuse anything and that nobody can MAKE me get it. So I should feel safe going to one knowing that I have that behind me now.

[lastyearisblank]

Craigstlist???? I love craigslist. Also there is this thing called couchsurfing... it is a bit like a hotel mixed with a blind date. People go and stay in each others' houses for free as a way to save on travel charges. The description is here: http://wiki.couchsurfing.org/en/Main_Page You might be able to find someone who wants a "vacation" dog just for a couple weeks. Just a thought.

Sweetlove- sorry we must have been typing at the same time. I have been seeing my therapist for four years. well april will be four years. And it's not that he hasn't helped me AT ALL. Because he did for awhile. But now his helping is so obsolete. And honestly I have done anything and everything to help myself. If they told me to walk the Appalachian trail and I would come home better. I would do it. Spend a week in the Alaskan wilderness. Take a trip to Africa to fight the AIDS pandemic. Nobody has any idea the things I want to do with my life and I am so frustrated I am just sitting here rotting with age, doing NOTHING. While they sit behind desks helping people who will never get better. No I'm not being mean. They will NEVER get better. They've spent decades in state psychiatric wards and now the government wants to release them. I think it's a good thing. I think that they too should be allowed to live in the community freely. But don't put them in a program with me and don't give me the help I need. At least be respectful and refer me out to people who can help me. I am 23 years old. I have an IQ in the 120s. I have nothing cognitively wrong with me. And it's being wasted doing nothing. Waiting. It's being wasted waiting for someone to give a ****. Waiting for someone to finally start listening and stop controlling. I'm stuck in a system that doesn't care what I think.

[lastyearisblank]

While they sit behind desks helping people who will never get better. No I'm not being mean. They will NEVER get better. They've spent decades in state psychiatric wards and now the government wants to release them. I think it's a good thing. I think that they too should be allowed to live in the community freely. But don't put them in a program with me and don't give me the help I need. At least be respectful and refer me out to people who can help me. I am 23 years old. I have an IQ in the 120s. I have nothing cognitively wrong with me. And it's being wasted doing nothing.

Lets talk about that shall we. Being 23 does not entitle you to do great things with your life. That takes work and yes, compassion for others. Maybe before whining that other people's understanding isn't enough, you can try and develop some of your own.

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Lets talk about that shall we. Being 23 does not entitle you to do great things with your life. That takes work and yes, compassion for others. Maybe before whining that other people's understanding isn't enough, you can try and develop some of your own.

Lastyearisblank- I really don't appreciate your comment here. If you read my other entries you would know that I'm not talking about age. If you knew what ACT teams were, you would know what I'm talking about. They are trial run teams for people who cannot function in their environments. It's a system that will show up in your area soon enough. When my PTSD was bad enough 4 years ago I needed it. They are ALSO for people of limited mental capacity. PEOPLE WHO WILL NEVER GET BETTER. It's not my decision. It's their brain's, it's Gods. I noted that they deserve to live in the community and receive this type of support. However when I am placed in a program with them I am put on back burners because my needs are not as dire. I deserve fair treatment also and I will not take you telling me I do not. That's unfair to me and it really frustrates me that you implied that. That is the whole reason I am talking through this and making that comment really hurt.

Definition for ACT team: Assertive Community Treatment is a team treatment approach designed to provide comprehensive, community-based psychiatric treatment, rehabilitation, and support to persons with serious and persistent mental illness.

http://www.actassociation.org/actModel/

I don't have a serious mental illness anymore. And if you're saying I don't understand then I never understood myself four years ago. Which hurts too. Because I was them. Because I was lucky enough to have an illness that is treatable in that program. And I deserve treatment just like everyone else. And not you, not them, not anyone else deserves to make me think or feel differently.

[ECHOES]

Does anyone else ever feel like understanding isn't enough? Like you're therapist just sits there and nods their head and keeps talking and talking, but it's not enough. You still feel really crappy and things still really suck and you aren't getting to the bottom of anything?

Yes. I feel like I'm getting nothing out of therapy lately.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Yes. I feel like I'm getting nothing out of therapy lately.

I'm sorry Echoes...

[lastyearisblank]

Ok well I did not set out to invalidate your feelings Lydia. I take back the whining part. I won't argue about whether or not mentally disabled people can be helped or not (that is what I was reacting to, not to you). And I can understand what that is like, that there are many more people out there who need help than get it-- I can imagine how frustrating it must be to feel that way, and you are certainly not whining. I agree that in the triage of mental health the neediest cases do get the most immediate attention. One of the downsides of emergency room admissions, for example, is that people who come in with a medium-bad complaint often have to wait.. and wait...and that's not fair, it's just the system. But really I do hope that you can get the help you need quickly.

I'm sorry I thought a long time before writing this response but you can't just "take back" calling me a whiner. It still effected me and you still have to understand that you are not on facebook or some blog when writing in here. You may be talking to some pretty emotionally unstable people, who you have no idea what they are going through or where they are standing at the moment. Put on soft gloves and treat everyone with the benefit of the doubt and respect. Challenge when necessary but never harm. I don't think it matters how many times you've posted or how long you've been here. I would expect that means you understand that more.

[PTSDlovemycats]

((((((HUGS))))))

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Lets talk about that shall we. Being 23 does not entitle you to do great things with your life. That takes work and yes, compassion for others. Maybe before whining that other people's understanding isn't enough, you can try and develop some of your own.

No offence but that comes off in my opinion as a little harsh. I think that everyone is entitled to do whatever they want within reason. And if doing great things is what you want to do with your life, then all the power to you!!

[lastyearisblank]

I am genuinely sorry that I triggered you. But I am also concerned that you edited your post to put this before my response to you:

I don't have a serious mental illness anymore. And if you're saying I don't understand then I never understood myself four years ago. Which hurts too. Because I was them. Because I was lucky enough to have an illness that is treatable in that program. And I deserve treatment just like everyone else. And not you, not them, not anyone else deserves to make me think or feel differently.

There is no way I could have seen this before writing my reply.

I feel it is going to be hard for me to fulfill your expectation of an apology, if I am expected to read your mind and respond to things, before you even express that is how you felt.

I agree that it was harsh. I really really really did not mean to suggest that you do not deserve the treatment other people get.

I hope that you are not reading aggression into my other replies because there is none there. I am dealing with my own bureaucratic nightmare right now for my job. I do understand that how life can stink that way when you most need things to work out.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Lydia, how are you doing now? I hope that you are doing a little bit better today. Thinking of you!