[rainbow8]

I emailed my T again last night. I'll probably get my response today or tomorrow. It doesn't matter so much what or when she replies but I just had to get my feelings out to her.

Now it's turning into shame for my later reactions to the "birthday card interaction" as I'm calling it. I want it to be about the child part, but adult parts get mixed in and make me ashamed. They're the ones who make it seem like an intense romantic encounter that I can't stop thinking about. It's my pattern starting from childhood, always "falling in love" with people who weren't available, and ending with all of my Ts.

I told my first T it was a "game" I played. She told me it wasn't a game but an intense need for unconditional love that gets sexualized. That's where the attachment problems enter the picture, but I get everything all confused in my mind.

In my email I told my T those parts want to hide and I don't want her to see them, that I'm judging myself and feel icky and yukky. I can accept the child part wanting the card, but not the adult parts, or maybe they are teenage parts who never grew up. I'm ashamed of them.

I told her that I won't believe her that she could still like me after sending the email. I know she will say she does though.

I could really use some support about this. Please. I feel like I'm being a pest here and to my T but I don't know where else to turn.

[venusss]

Rainbow... did you treat yourself something for b-day? Why don't you treat you inner needs sometimes? Others cannot do for you what you can do for yourself. Are you getting yourself what you need and desire?

[rainbow8]

Well, I told my H what restaurant I wanted to go to for my birthday and we went. Usually I settle for something less than I want. I fully enjoyed it when my grandchildren sang 'Happy Birthday' on the phone to me. What I desire is to be appreciated and loved. On my birthday I wanted others to do that for me and that was my gift to myself, that I got attention. Maybe that's selfish, but that's what I did for myself. I posted on PC because I knew I'd feel good about the wishes and hugs. I did. Having a session on my birthday was special because my T thinks I'm special. I also listened to my favorite music.

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( Rainbow )))))

You are so self-aware. It's great that you have been able to figure out what parts are emerging...and I know your T will help you work through it. It's hard to feel the feelings and to express them. It's all going to help you in the long run. But in the meantime, you're enduring such incredibly difficult emotions.

I find that I am struggling with similar emotions - that my child parts have needs, but the adult part of me won't allow it to happen. You have gone so far with it, to allow your child parts to express what they need. That's huge.

I hope you can find a way to treat yourself compassionately.

[rainbow8]

MUE: I feel mixed-up emotions, just like your name!! I'm sorry you're going through similar stuff, but I know it will be worth it. For me, the child parts are easier to let out because I feel like I never grew up! My T is very good at accepting and working with those parts. But the older parts feel too much shame. In IFS you work with one part at a time. My parts are blended, T says. She will ask if I want to work with those teenage parts separately but that makes me awfully scared.

[rainbow8]

I'm glad I have my T!!!!!! She didn't reply yet but I know she will accept my parts and tell me not to judge them. I think I want to talk about the "in love" feelings I had for all of the people IRL before Ts. It's very important. I also want to still fingerpaint. There's always so much to do. I'm going to keep posting to myself here because I'm important to me!!!!!

[Suratji]

[quote=rainbow8;1748967]

"She told me it wasn't a game but an intense need for unconditional love that gets sexualized. That's where the attachment problems enter the picture, but I get everything all confused in my mind."

Been there; Done that. It came to me strongly last night that I am deeply and profoundly lonely. We can be lonely even if we're surrounded by hundreds of people; even if those people 'love' us; even if we enjoy their company. Loneliness, I think for me, stems from not having anyone who really knows me and understands me and cares for me. And that's why we get attached to our T's - the first time we've received the kind of love we crave. But,in reality, it's not the love we crave. It's conditional; it has boundaries; it's one-sided; it's not complete; it's crazy-making.

So, what to do? Who the hell knows?

[Sweetlove]

((((((Rainbow))))))

I never know what I want or need! My neediness/dependency/attachment issues are SO HUGE in my life..sometimes I accept them, but most of the time I don't. I give you props for recognizing what you feel that you need...that takes a lot of searching within yourself and loads of strength.

Hope your T gets back to you soon

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I told my first T it was a "game" I played. She told me it wasn't a game but an intense need for unconditional love that gets sexualized. That's where the attachment problems enter the picture, but I get everything all confused in my mind.

This part here I understand very well.....the intense need for unconditional love right now, getting sexualized too, I think.
(Why don't you treat you inner needs sometimes? Others cannot do for you what you can do for yourself. Are you getting yourself what you need and desire?) I agree with what Venus said here. And actually, for myself, I know I need to, and I know I can, learn to get what I need and desire and deserve too - that being the need for unconditional love, in that I can learn to give to myself! And also to be content with the love I do get from others....content and secure within myself, and then the same with attachments to others, too....
I don't know how helpful that is to you rainbow....but I do understand the feeling of need to be loved and respect that you are working hard to understand your attachment needs.

[peaches100]

Rainbow,

I'm glad you like your t so much! She will help you with all your scary feelings! I also think that your confidence in yourself is growing!

Speaking of "blended parts," I think it refers to the fact that our adult side and our child sides are merged together. Sometimes in my IFS work with my t, she will be talking to the adult side of me about something painful, and all of a sudden, I might start feeling overwhelming emotions and start getting those scared, needy feelings. When my t notices it, she will say, "Who showed up to take you out?" And we will realize that a child part of myself has taken over.

Then my t will say to me, "Ask that part of yourself that is feeling so much distress to please not blend with you right now." So I will mentally picture setting that child part of me in a safe place. It helps me regain my focus again, so i can continue the discussion with my t without becoming too overwhelmed by my emotions and breaking down.

By practicing this, I think my t is helping me ground myself so that when i get triggered and flooded with child-like feelings, there is still an adult rational part of me that is present to remind me that I am now an adult in the present, and I don't have to be completely overtaken by my pain.

Other times, we will work specifically with that child part of me that feels so scared and hurt, trying to help her get the safety and caring she needs so that she will not be so scared all the time.

So Rainbow, maybe at some point, you will do something similar in IFS therapy with your t. I guess that you already are, in a way. Because you work with your parts separately at times.