[lastyearisblank]

Hesitate to ask this- I feel like I've had a TON of threads lately. It's like a dam is breaking loose and all this stuff, I've been wondering alone, other people finally have similar experiences to answer!

Ok. So the question is, does anyone have this "thing" where... they seem ok, even when they're not? Like in therapy especially where we're supposed to let it all hang out. Does your therapist ever say "you seem fine?" when you're ready to sell all your possessions and jump off a dam or something? I feel like it's hard to keep up a front and then let it down all of a sudden but if anyone has tips, I'd love to hear what you do!

[SpiritRunner]

I am one of the queens of seeming OK when things are not.....this is how I have functioned a great deal of my life. I can be miserably depressed, in pain, and people will say to me, you look great, you seem happier! And I am like, WTH?! How does it look like I am OK when I do not feel OK!?!
Several times, T thought I seemed OK, too, when I was not.....now she knows I am not OK even sometimes when I look fine, so there's less need to keep up a front in session, though the dam hasn't really broken completely loose.....it will.
As far as tips.....I don't know that I have any, except to try to be honest with T.....

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

Does your therapist ever say "you seem fine?" when you're ready to sell all your possessions and jump off a dam or something? I feel like it's hard to keep up a front and then let it down all of a sudden but if anyone has tips, I'd love to hear what you do!

My therapist has definitely never questioned how I am feeling when I have been up front and told him ("I know I look okay, but I'm seriously ready to jump off a cliff"). He knows that my survival as a child depending on "looking okay" and that it's my default.

Sometimes, though, if I can't access the words to say how I'm feeling, so I can't tell him, he assumes things are fine because I LOOK fine.. THAT is really hard for me. To be so misattuned and misunderstood. It's not T's fault at all, but it usually feels awful enough that after some struggle (and often, rupture!), I am able to get T to understand how I'm feeling, and just having someone understand provides a little bit of relief.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, (((((lastyearisblank)))))

[Suratji]

I know what you mean. We get through the day being competent and productive and on top of things ... because we have to. And then to switch suddenly to tap into and express emotions is difficult.

If you're already feeling the emotions, it must be a bit easier, I guess [I don't know].

What I'm doing lately so that my sessions are more productive, is that at least 1/2 hour before session I listen to music that is emotionally meaningful to me. I've even walked into T's office plugged into my iPod. For me, I need extra help tapping into the emotions that we're trying to uncover so I like to get a head start before session.

Another thing I have done is imagine that I'm already talking to T on the day of session maybe a few minutes or few hours beforehand. I do this outloud so it's more real. It gets me to that place where I'm more ready to share.

[embracinglife]

Wow, I wish there was a word for this phenomenon, because I know exactly what you mean. I'm so good at looking fine on the outside, and just coping/surviving through different times in my life, but I don't always tell people what's going on on the inside. Sometimes its hard to take down that front of "I'm okay" when I'm really not, because I don't want to burden other people, or because I truly would rather believe that I'm feeling better. You are not alone.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Ok. So the question is, does anyone have this "thing" where... they seem ok, even when they're not? Like in therapy especially where we're supposed to let it all hang out. Does your therapist ever say "you seem fine?

I've lived my entire life seeming "fine" even when I'm not. When I first started with my T, she was not able to tell when I was acting "fine" even though I wasn't. After sessions, I would often email her and say "I know I seemed okay today, but I really wasn't..." She has now learned the subtle clues that indicate I am far from fine, and she will call me on it.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

does anyone have this "thing" where... they seem ok, even when they're not? Like in therapy especially where we're supposed to let it all hang out. Does your therapist ever say "you seem fine?" when you're ready to sell all your possessions and jump off a dam or something?

Even after two yrs I remember T saying, "you just seem so.... quiet." I was surpriised that the answer immediately came up out of me: "I'm in here."

Between then and now (1.5 yrs) somehow I managed to creak myself open, at least to some extent. Tips? No except to say give it time ,LYB, it takes as long as it takes, and is different for everyone....

[sugahorse1]

I'm quite good at appearing ok to random people. Work colleagues...
But those close to me will realise that it's just a mask. My meds sometimes make me feel really numb, and I'll really 'feel' ok, when i'm not.

BlessedR - I was exactly the same before I went to T! A few of my friends had said - you should go see a T, you have issues to work through... and I couldn't see it; for years!
It was a genuine feeling. And now, having been in therapy, I have become very introspective and realise that I am not OK - and least of All can I kid myself about it

[WikidPissah]

yep. I am very, very good at pretending. I have a magnificent shell I hide behind. Not only emotionally, but physically as well.

[doogie]

Oh yeah. I have a mask I "wear" all the time. The competent mom, the good worker, the involved wife....all while I feel like I'm dying inside. I have a hard time letting that mask down.

Thing is - sometimes I struggle to know who I am. Am I the "masked person", or am I the person inside? Or both?

[Perna]

I have a novel I was writing for my therapist, titled, "That's Okay, I'm Fine" where everything goes wrong in the protagonist's life until she confronts that she's not "fine" and accepts help and then truly is fine.

[kitten16]

This really hits home with me. It took me about six months to get my T to take me seriously.

I'm just floored by some of these therapists' lack of perception. I'm not tarring them all with the same brush. But honestly! Reading these posts about it just inflames me! These people are feelings specialists. How on earth so many of them can have such low emotional intelligence is beyond me. This is what they do for chrissakes.

Sometimes I want to grab these people by the collars and yell "JUST DO YOUR JOB!"

As in:

"You have a client who has come to you, and is paying you X amount of dollars to work with you, because they're in pain. Assume they're not okay. Believe them when they tell you they're hurting. If on the other hand they look fine, or they're not saying much of anything, then delve deeper. It's your job to try to find out the reason this person is sitting in your office, seeking your help."

I mean how frickin' hard is it?

[lastyearisblank]

We usually look fine. I know that is the case for me. Like I will sometimes laugh when relating sometime painful. Most of the time there is a smile on my face in therapy. I suspect it is because we like our therapists, and we are quite strong underneath it all.

As treehouse said, sometimes we need to be more verbal with our needs. It feels GROSS though. I don't think all therapists are equally receptive.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

We usually look fine. I know that is the case for me. Like I will sometimes laugh when relating sometime painful. Most of the time there is a smile on my face in therapy. I suspect it is because we like our therapists.....

Interesting to hear you say this LYIB.
At those times I am not thinking of whether I like T or not.
I interpret it as a coverup because of shame - at least it is for me. If I smile or even laugh while lrelating something painful, it's either because of contempt for myself, or it's a (futile) attempt to convince myself that it doesn't hurt as much as it actually does.

In either case, I don't think that T is fooled for a minute.

[pachyderm]

Everything is for the best in this best of all possible worlds...

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

.It feels GROSS though.

what feels gross?

[lastyearisblank]

Saying "I know it looks like it's fine, but it actually feels so much worse." It feels like taking a large slice of the "caring" pie.

BTW water's edge-- YES!!! contempt! for ourselves or T.

[Suratji]

So, I can understand covering up our emotions sometimes in RL, but isn't it in therapy where we absolutely positively need to open up?

My T is encouraging me to do just that. I can't tell you how difficult it's been. I've been on the verge of quitting because it's so painful. But I'm trying so hard to face those ugly parts of myself. According to many of the books I've been reading on the subject, we must be honest with ourselves and see our self-perceived 'ugliness' in a new way.

Fear is palpable when doing this exploration. Courage is required. I'm determined to let my emotions come forth and be on display with T. It might take time but I want to be whole and I know that wholeness doesn't just appear by magic. It takes hard work.

[BlessedRhiannon]

So, I can understand covering up our emotions sometimes in RL, but isn't it in therapy where we absolutely positively need to open up?

Yes, but that's so much easier said than done. When you've spent your entire life making sure that everyone thinks you're fine, it's very, very difficult to drop those defenses in therapy. It takes a HUGE amount of trust in both your T and yourself to be able to not be fine in therapy. It took me probably a year with my current T (who is just awesome) before I could tell her that even though I looked fine, I wasn't.

You can't really blame a T for not picking up on it, either. At least, not at first. When you're first establishing a relationship, they don't know what is or isn't a mask. Once that relationship has been established, the T hopefully knows you well enough to say "I can tell you're not fine, because of x...."

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

BTW water's edge-- YES!!! contempt! for ourselves or T.

contempt for the T?
negative transference, this I have known, but not contempt for T ... can you comment?

[Mike_J]

There have been a few times when the world suddenly become sort of "calm" for me, and this usually comes when I’m thinking about doing something self destructive.

On the plus side my therapist can always see right through that and becomes very concerned very quickly. Her ability to see right though me has it’s good points as well as it’s bad. But when I’m closest to the edge with everyone else I seem to be at my best.

[complic8d]

I tend to have that "I'm fine" mask on most of the time too. I have a hard time taking it off in therapy, even when I am really feeling things on the inside. Lately I have been able to tell her things like, "I know I LOOK really calm, but I am feeling like I would like to take that coffee table and throw it through that window!" This lets her know that even though I appear "OK" that inside I am not, so then we deal with the feelings that are there, regardless of how I "look". It takes a lot of trust. It's taken me a long time (years) to get here, and it is still a struggle. I finally just realized that if I am not honest about what I am feeling, she may never know, and we won't get anywhere. So, yes, it takes trust, courage and honesty; all of which may be hard to come by when we are so damaged we need the help of a therapist.
Good luck to you.

[lastyearisblank]

Originally Posted by sittingatwatersedge

contempt for the T?
negative transference, this I have known, but not contempt for T ... can you comment?

I'm not sure where it comes from! It's kind of sort of how we hate inanimate objects. sometimes in therapy I feel like I'm beating and beating on a closed door, but it won't open! it's nothing personal, but I'm really mad at that door.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

sometimes in therapy I feel like I'm beating and beating on a closed door, but it won't open!

I think I understand. I've told T it feels like I am a bird, beating my wings against the bars of a cage.
Mostly though I don't reveal that to her, mostly I just keep it to myself and bring it back up after I am alone again, at home. LYIB you are doing much better with it, if you are letting yourself experience it "in the room". good job

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

We usually look fine. I know that is the case for me. Like I will sometimes laugh when relating sometime painful. Most of the time there is a smile on my face in therapy. I suspect it is because we like our therapists, and we are quite strong underneath it all.

I laugh easily. It's a reflex thing, laugh and make fun of what I am saying before someone laughs at me. I figured out that I do it so that if the person doesn't agree with me, it won't seem like too much of an infraction that I actually said it.

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

Yes, but that's so much easier said than done. When you've spent your entire life making sure that everyone thinks you're fine, it's very, very difficult to drop those defenses in therapy.

Yes. I spent years convincing teachers, neighbors, police and family that I was fine. Oh how hard it is to admit otherwise.

Originally Posted by Mike_J

But when I’m closest to the edge with everyone else I seem to be at my best.

yep