My therapist keeps going back to the same homework assignment for me. "What would therapy be like if I actually believed I deserved to be there? How would I feel if I truly felt that it was okay to ask for help? Why do I not give myself permission to FEEL the pain, hurt, and disappointments in my life? When will I learn to forgive myself for bad decisions I made in the past? At what point am I going to stop beating myself up for not being perfect?

I may have posted this before, but she keeps wanting me to EXPLORE these questions. I wish she would move on. I am in therapy every week, so that would indicate that I feel okay asking for help. I am expressing my emotions in therapy. It may be more of anxiety than anything, but I do get emotional and CRY. On the other hand, I do shut down a lot as well. I am not trying to do that, it just happens. She has said that when I shut down it IS an indication that I am feeling something. The reason I am shutting down is because I am afraid of the intense feeling/emotion that is surfacing. She says that I am afraid of my emotions. Aren't we all?

I do believe that I deserve to be in therapy. I may be somewhat ashamed to be in therapy because I hide it from everyone. I don't want to be labelled as 'unstable'. But overall I think I DO believe I deserve to be in therapy. Obviously, she is not seeing that. Probably because I am a nervous wreck every time I go into her office. I try not to be, but I cannot help but feel extemely anxious. She says that I have very little self worth and self esteem. I am a very giving person to others, but I do not extend that grace and mercy to myself. How many of you hear the same thing from your therapist?

Can anyone help me with this? I want to give her the answers she is looking for so she will stop hounding me about this! I am not saying that I want to feed her a bunch of (crap). I want to be honest with my answers, but I do not understand what she wants from me. I trust that she is doing this for my own good. She must think I feel underserving or she wouldn't keep bringing this up to me.

I don't know how to FEEL deserving. I really don't know how to FEEL anything. Why do we have to FEEL everything in therapy? What are they wanting from us?

[granite1]

i wish i had answers but i'm sure you will get a lot of help just wanted to say i know you deserve to be in therapy and to have this time for yourself

[Omers]

That's a LOT all at once. I would ask if it would be OK to pick 1 at a time to work on answering. Heck, that could be a whole treatment plan!

[velcro003]

oh man squiggle, i feel you. hehe....FEEL. My T has never directly asked me to explore these questions much like yours did...but this all has come up. she has said all this in the past three years. she said when we reach anything difficult, i withdraw. my face changes, i sink into the couch. I know I hate feelings. They do no good. They are irrational most of the time. They hurt. I agree, why would anyone want to?!

From what my T has told me, opening up and feeling things allows me to not be numb to life. It means I have to feel negative things, but on the other side of the coin, I can feel positive things as well.

I spent 3 years being extremely nervous every single week. It slowly decreased, and even once or twice, I looked FORWARD to it. But that is rare I still get nervous, and I already am nervous for next week's session.

Originally Posted by Omers

That's a LOT all at once. I would ask if it would be OK to pick 1 at a time to work on answering. Heck, that could be a whole treatment plan!

These are questions we have been working on for the past year. These are just some things she has observed and keeps bringing them to my attention.

I told her last session when she wanted me to explore them again, ''We have already done these!" Her response was, "We are going to do them again." Evidently, I have not made peace with myself about any of them.

[SpiritRunner]

"What would therapy be like if I actually believed I deserved to be there? How would I feel if I truly felt that it was okay to ask for help? Why do I not give myself permission to FEEL the pain, hurt, and disappointments in my life? When will I learn to forgive myself for bad decisions I made in the past? At what point am I going to stop beating myself up for not being perfect?

Good questions....I feel like they apply to me too. Maybe for myself I would condense them into this, what would therapy be like if I simply surrendered to my need and to my emotions and to the process of dealing with memories without fear, anger and shame, accepting that I deserve to need help in doing this?
I don't know if I feel like I don't deserve to be in therapy, I know I NEED help. I am getting better at being OK asking for it, accepting it, but I haven't left behind the shame and I know the anger is there. I haven't had the compassion on PG of the past that I should either.....nor compassion on PG in the present...but I am learning, I see teeny bits where I have been able to think, it's OK, I made a mistake, everyone does, I can move on now.
My problem is wondering if I can really change, or if therapy will end up being in vain for me. The further along I go, the more I see to work on, and sometimes feel disheartened....then I do wonder if I deserve to have so much help offered to me when someone who might be more help-able, so to speak, could have it instead of me. But I try to remember, I deserve and need help just as much as anyone and it IS possible for me to change and profit from therapy!

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

My problem is wondering if I can really change, or if therapy will end up being in vain for me. The further along I go, the more I see to work on, and sometimes feel disheartened....then I do wonder if I deserve to have so much help offered to me when someone who might be more help-able, so to speak, could have it instead of me.

But I try to remember, I deserve and need help just as much as anyone and it IS possible for me to change and profit from therapy!

So often I feel like I am just spinning my wheels. Like you, I question if I am really going to be any different by going through all of this. It does feel like a never ending process.

I have told her that I feel guilty taking up a session when maybe someone who really needs it could be sitting in her office instead of me. I am going through these questions in my mind: Why am I doing this? Why do I put myself through this? What good is really going to come from it? Am I just paying her to be my friend? I was asking myself these same questions 6 months ago. Will I always feel this way?

I wish that we had an online therapist in this forum who would answer some of these questions for us. I would like to know what therapists really think and how they view their clients.

It seems that most of us are saying the same things. Often times I hear my therapist talking when I read about what others are posting. Do therapists say the same thing to most of their clients? Is it just routine for them?

Why is it that I am still having so much anxiety about going to a session? At what point am I going to relax and be able to talk freely and openly with her without feeling so much anxiety about it?

We get along very well. I think we are a perfect match. So why am I so uncomfortable when we are working together??

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

Good questions....I feel like they apply to me too. Maybe for myself I would condense them into this, what would therapy be like if I simply surrendered to my need and to my emotions and to the process of dealing with memories without fear, anger and shame, accepting that I deserve to need help in doing this?

Oh sure PG.... go ahead. Re-word the question so it makes sense to me and makes me feel like I have/want to be rational and like my T and the idea of therapy now even though I don't really want to!

Now I'm gonna be thinking about this for the next 2 days. RATS! Just when I was adjusting to the idea of holding my last therapy session over T's head!

[karebear1]

I wish that we had an online therapist in this forum who would answer some of these questions for us. I would like to know what therapists really think and how they view their clients.

I, too, wish there was someone here to that was a professional and would answer some of these questions for us. I can't tell you how many times I have googled psychotherapy techniquers since I've been on this board.

It seems that most of us are saying the same things. Often times I hear my therapist talking when I read about what others are posting. Do therapists say the same thing to most of their clients? Is it just routine for them?

A series of excellent questions and completely normal thoughts.

Why is it that I am still having so much anxiety about going to a session? At what point am I going to relax and be able to talk freely and openly with her without feeling so much anxiety about it?

We get along very well. I think we are a perfect match. So why am I so uncomfortable when we are working together??

I know for a long time I felt anxiety about going to see T. After a while, I think I realized that it wasn't her so much that caused the anxiety. I believe it was the knowledge that I'd have to address uncomfortable issues with her that I just didn't want to face. It's still that way for me- and even moreso since this last session I had with her that just threw me for a loop.

I think it was also difficult for me because I finally had to acknowledge that I really couldn't do this by myself anymore. I am (well...... I use to be) a very independent person. People always came to me for support and I gave it freely to them. But for me to need someone else's help? Let me tell you.... that was a tough thing to acknowledge.

maybe it's not that your uncomfortable working with her so much as it is your uncomfortable allowing her to help you because you're so use to helping yourself?

Originally Posted by karebear1

maybe it's not that your uncomfortable working with her so much as it is your uncomfortable allowing her to help you because you're so use to helping yourself?

So many of us say that we cannot accept help, because we are used to being the ones who offer the help. I was once asked this question, "Is it pride that keeps you from asking for help?"

I don't think it is, but maybe so? I am embarrassed to ask for help. I am afraid to ask for help because I do not want to inconvenience anyone.

As for therapy, answering those questions I posted at the beginning of this thread would mean that I would have to be 100% vulnerable in front of my therapist. I would have to lay aside all of my inhibitions and trust her totally.

It would feel like I am 'free falling' and trusting that she will be there to catch me. That is hard for anyone to do so why is she expecting me to do that? My fear is that I am going to be worse off than when I started therapy.

Do I deserve to be in therapy? I would say yes. Do I accept that I need help? Yes, I do. Do I trust the process? This is where I am having the most trouble. I am not sure if I do or not.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

She has said that when I shut down it IS an indication that I am feeling something. The reason I am shutting down is because I am afraid of the intense feeling/emotion that is surfacing. She says that I am afraid of my emotions. Aren't we all?

Oh, I hate the going over and over of the same thing and wishing T would move on but when I finally understand and get the "A ha!" moment with what T is asking, it is well worth the frustration (and boredom even).

It is my experience that therapy makes one not afraid of their emotions. It feels very liberating to just "live" and not have to do a whole lot of thinking about and wrestling with how we feel but just to feel and "use" the feelings to better guide my life.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

So often I feel like I am just spinning my wheels. Like you, I question if I am really going to be any different by going through all of this. It does feel like a never ending process.

I have told her that I feel guilty taking up a session when maybe someone who really needs it could be sitting in her office instead of me. I am going through these questions in my mind: Why am I doing this? Why do I put myself through this? What good is really going to come from it? Am I just paying her to be my friend? I was asking myself these same questions 6 months ago. Will I always feel this way?

I wish that we had an online therapist in this forum who would answer some of these questions for us. I would like to know what therapists really think and how they view their clients.

It seems that most of us are saying the same things. Often times I hear my therapist talking when I read about what others are posting. Do therapists say the same thing to most of their clients? Is it just routine for them?

Why is it that I am still having so much anxiety about going to a session? At what point am I going to relax and be able to talk freely and openly with her without feeling so much anxiety about it?

We get along very well. I think we are a perfect match. So why am I so uncomfortable when we are working together??

Squiggle, you've obviously got a lot on your mind. It seems like a whole bunch is flooding in all at once.

Having walked in your steps, let me tell you this is completely normal. It seems like once you begin to examine one little thing, then the gates can open up and you examine and question everything. What is happening to me? What is this all about? Is this helpful - at all, this thing that I am going through?

Is my therapist my friend, what exactly are they to me!

I know. I hear you. It's a lot to try and "get" all at once.

I can also assure you that you are feeling something, as you indicated. You may not have a name for it, but something is bubbling in there. When you are ready you will own it and give it a name. Right now it seems to be coming out as confusion, and it's okay to be confused. It's the way things are right now.

Also, I'm going to be completely honest with you here. In my experience, 6 months in therapy is not that long of a time. There has got to be a way for it to be okay for you to "sit and spin" for little bit until some of this settles down.

You will not always feel that way. In fact, it may actually get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

It is absolutely positively okay for you not to have answers to all of your therapist's homework assignments.

It is perfectly fine.

You may not realize it, but you are working on them right now, almost all the time. When she puts the questions out there, and keeps them out there, it gets your brain working on them. It may take awhile before your brain can get the answer out and that's okay.

I think there may be a combination of things that make you so anxioius prior to therapy. One is the previous question of "who is this person?", another might be what might be lurking in there, "what may I say?" "what may I feel?" "Am I that close to losing this control? - something that I've held on to for so long?". "Will this be the day I go under?' Yes, you are afraid of your own emotions. I've certainly been there. I think a lot of people have.

A lot of the answers you see here may be very similar because, we go through very similar things in therapy. No this therapy process is not routine for therapist, it seems repeated because it works. We are all humans, we all experience soooo many of the same hurts and fears. We all seek the same healing responses.

Which leads to my next and final point. You are not paying your therapist to be your friend. You are paying them to guide you, coach you, support you and walk with you while you find your way. As I've said before, the good ones are like Sherpa's of the psyche. They know the shortcuts and the safe passages and the treacherous areas. They are there to help us get safely to the summit.

Squiggle during this time, all you have to do is to remember to breathe and on occasion exhale. Your mind is very active and will be for awhile, but there is a whole lot of peace when it gets quieter.

Originally Posted by elliemay

Squiggle, you've obviously got a lot on your mind. It seems like a whole bunch is flooding in all at once. Part of this could be that I am bipolar and I tend to go to the extreme on things.

Having walked in your steps, let me tell you this is completely normal. It seems like once you begin to examine one little thing, then the gates can open up and you examine and question everything. What is happening to me? What is this all about? Is this helpful - at all, this thing that I am going through? I feel like I am not in control at all. I do not recognize the person that is emerging in therapy. I am not sure I like that person. She has a lot of anger and I don't. She has a lot of issues.

Is my therapist my friend, what exactly are they to me!

I know. I hear you. It's a lot to try and "get" all at once.

I can also assure you that you are feeling something, as you indicated. You may not have a name for it, but something is bubbling in there. When you are ready you will own it and give it a name. Right now it seems to be coming out as confusion, and it's okay to be confused. It's the way things are right now. Confusion. Chaos. Thoughts that do not seem to connect at all. Feelings surfacing that seem to come from nowhere. Trying to sort out truth and what may not be truth. What is real and what is not. I would like to turn off my brain and stop thinking about all this, but it is constantly playing in the back of my mind.

Also, I'm going to be completely honest with you here. In my experience, 6 months in therapy is not that long of a time. There has got to be a way for it to be okay for you to "sit and spin" for little bit until some of this settles down. I have actually been in therapy for a year. The 6 months was in reference to how long she has been asking me the same questions.

You will not always feel that way. In fact, it may actually get worse before it gets better, but it will get better.

It is absolutely positively okay for you not to have answers to all of your therapist's homework assignments. But, as a teacher, I want to do my homework and do it right. I cannot imagine going into a session without having it done. Maybe I won't do the assignment she gave me, but I will have something to bring. Something that was on my mind that I want to talk with her about.

It is perfectly fine.

You may not realize it, but you are working on them right now, almost all the time. When she puts the questions out there, and keeps them out there, it gets your brain working on them. It may take awhile before your brain can get the answer out and that's okay. I don't think she will let me off the hook until I answer these and believe them!

I think there may be a combination of things that make you so anxioius prior to therapy. One is the previous question of "who is this person?", another might be what might be lurking in there, "what may I say?" "what may I feel?" "Am I that close to losing this control? - something that I've held on to for so long?". "Will this be the day I go under?' Yes, you are afraid of your own emotions. I've certainly been there. I think a lot of people have. I have been through all of those emotions. After a year, I would have thought my anxiety would be settled down, but it is not. I think it may be worse!

A lot of the answers you see here may be very similar because, we go through very similar things in therapy. No this therapy process is not routine for therapist, it seems repeated because it works. We are all humans, we all experience soooo many of the same hurts and fears. We all seek the same healing responses.

Which leads to my next and final point. You are not paying your therapist to be your friend. You are paying them to guide you, coach you, support you and walk with you while you find your way. As I've said before, the good ones are like Sherpa's of the psyche. They know the shortcuts and the safe passages and the treacherous areas. They are there to help us get safely to the summit. Sometimes I view her as my life coach. She guides me through my life and helps me sort out what is important and what is not. Worrying about what others think of me is not important, but I tend to dwell on it alot. Reaching out and connecting to others is important. I have been able to that more since being in therapy.

Squiggle during this time, all you have to do is to remember to breathe and on occasion exhale. Your mind is very active and will be for awhile, but there is a whole lot of peace when it gets quieter. I am looking forward to that day with great anticipation. Quiet peace.

[Dr.Muffin]

Originally Posted by Squiggle328

My therapist keeps going back to the same homework assignment for me. "What would therapy be like if I actually believed I deserved to be there? How would I feel if I truly felt that it was okay to ask for help? Why do I not give myself permission to FEEL the pain, hurt, and disappointments in my life? When will I learn to forgive myself for bad decisions I made in the past? At what point am I going to stop beating myself up for not being perfect?

I may have posted this before, but she keeps wanting me to EXPLORE these questions. I wish she would move on. I am in therapy every week, so that would indicate that I feel okay asking for help. I am expressing my emotions in therapy. It may be more of anxiety than anything, but I do get emotional and CRY. On the other hand, I do shut down a lot as well. I am not trying to do that, it just happens. She has said that when I shut down it IS an indication that I am feeling something. The reason I am shutting down is because I am afraid of the intense feeling/emotion that is surfacing. She says that I am afraid of my emotions. Aren't we all?

I do believe that I deserve to be in therapy. I may be somewhat ashamed to be in therapy because I hide it from everyone. I don't want to be labelled as 'unstable'. But overall I think I DO believe I deserve to be in therapy. Obviously, she is not seeing that. Probably because I am a nervous wreck every time I go into her office. I try not to be, but I cannot help but feel extemely anxious. She says that I have very little self worth and self esteem. I am a very giving person to others, but I do not extend that grace and mercy to myself. How many of you hear the same thing from your therapist?

Can anyone help me with this? I want to give her the answers she is looking for so she will stop hounding me about this! I am not saying that I want to feed her a bunch of (crap). I want to be honest with my answers, but I do not understand what she wants from me. I trust that she is doing this for my own good. She must think I feel underserving or she wouldn't keep bringing this up to me.

I don't know how to FEEL deserving. I really don't know how to FEEL anything. Why do we have to FEEL everything in therapy? What are they wanting from us?

you said that you feel ashamed about being in therapy. most (if not all) of the time, shame is connected with feeling unworthy and undeserving....

Originally Posted by Dr.Muffin

you said that you feel ashamed about being in therapy. most (if not all) of the time, shame is connected with feeling unworthy and undeserving....

Doesn't everyone hide the fact that they are in therapy? How many of us openly tell others? Maybe I subconsciously feel unworthy and undeserving to be in therapy. I don't feel like I do. I guess the main thing is why do I feel that my issues are worse than others? Why do I feel that I need help to get past some things? Why can't I just suck it up?

Therapy is not cheap. It is very time consuming and costly. I have made a commitment to it. I have been showing up for appointments and I do my homework. Would this not indicate that I feel deserving and worthy?

If I didn't feel deserving, I don't think I would be showing up week after week. I don't like it, and I am not sure I will ever be 100% comfortable with it. I am worthy to be in therapy, but I still feel stupid asking for help with piddly, trival things that I should be able to deal with on my own.

I think that I am contradicting myself!

Do you guys feel that you deserve to be in therapy? Do you feel worthy?

[Dr.Muffin]

no, not everyone hides the fact that they are in therapy...

[WePow]

"Do you guys feel that you deserve to be in therapy? Do you feel worthy?"

Yes. I do deserve to be in therapy because I deserve mental wellness. Did I always feel this way? Oh heck no! Most of my life I was raised to put myself last so others could have whatever it was. Being female and raised in a home where males were exhaulted just made this worse since it even applied to things such as food when supplies were limited!

Feeling worthy to be in therapy is actually a sign of internal healing.

You are doing the RIGHT thing by going. It is your RIGHT to healthcare. That is just the fact of the thing. The emotions of feeling worthy of being there will come as you get stronger and heal. Right now, keep just DOING what you DO deserve.

Originally Posted by WePow

The emotions of feeling worthy of being there will come as you get stronger and heal. Right now, keep just DOING what you DO deserve.

I SO agree with this. In 12 step programs, they say to "fake it til you make it". I think that's exactly what I did in therapy. I started therapy because my life was falling apart and I finally hit a wall where I couldn't do it by myself anymore...but I didn't feel like I "deserved" it. I was desperate, and I knew my kids deserved a Mom who was happy and together, and my H deserved a partner who wasn't disintegrating before his eyes, but not that *I* deserved help, or caring, or support, or ANYTHING really. It wasn't about deserving, it was about being desperate and scared and not knowing what else to do.

And even though it felt awful and I felt like a failure for needing help, I just kept showing up week after week after week and somewhere along the way (we're talking years of twice a week therapy), something shifted. I never had a moment where I felt like "hey! I deserve this!", but I know I feel differently now than I did when I started therapy. It turns out therapy was a gift I was giving MYSELF and I didn't even know it for a long, long, long time.

For me, I couldn't intellectualize my way into feeling like I deserved it, because for me, EXPERIENCE is what leads to feelings, not "thinking". I just had to keep showing up, over and over again, and experience being treated like I deserved to be there. And somewhere along the way, I guess something clicked.

As for hiding the fact that we're in therapy...I definitely didn't want anyone to know for years. Two friends knew because I needed help with childcare, and H knew, but that was it. I still don't advertise it, but I'm not ashamed of it anymore either. It is what it is. It doesn't mean I'm a bad person, or helpless, or whatever other story I want to tell myself, and I really don't care anymore what other people think about it. I don't talk about it, because it's personal, but if it comes up for whatever reason, I don't freak out either. It's fine. (although my mom still doesn't know, and I'm hoping she never will...I'm not THAT healed yet )

It's a slow, slow process. Try to trust T, and it, and you

[Sannah]

Squiggle, it looks like you have been able to do some work on your questions in this thread. Maybe where you at at with these questions are on a continuum and you have moved along on this continuum but you aren't done yet and this is why your T keeps bringing them up and this is why you feel you are contradicting yourself?

One thing that I learned about anxiety and feelings is that they do go together: Repressed feelings cause a lot of anxiety.