[ECHOES]

Early in therapy, when I couldn't talk much, I'd said often that I wished I could write to her, and she said no.

Several months ago T told me where I could 'write' to her via her profile on Psychology Today. I did write but it didn't reach her, something I concluded; I never told her I wrote.

So I tried it again a week or so ago. And this time she received it. I received confirmation that she did and she confirmed it verbally. I only wrote 2 sentences, telling her how I felt and that I shouldn't have to feel that way (meaning that I didn't used to get so upset about being alone) and that I wished I would not always tell her what I think she wants to hear. We talked a little bit about it and I told her that I'd tried the email a few months ago but for some reason it didn't get to her.

Suddenly she turns around to her desk (she sits with her back to it), opens her drawer for a sheet of paper, and says "Let me give you my direct email address" and writes it down <----honestly, that is exactly how my face looked! lol

I was so surprised I didn't know what to say. I folded that piece of paper up and held it the entire session, fiddling with it the entire time and not putting it away. I totally disconnected, could barely speak, was just the most pulled back, defiant, bratty thing. Left without much of a word of goodbye, have a good week and all that.

I think I was so shocked that I immediately pulled away.
Why could I not have just been joyful?! Excited, allowed the specialness of the moment? I turned it into something negative and I am so mad at myself. I ruin moments like this all the time and I hate it!

[WePow]

(((((Echoes))))) I don't think you ruined it... you were just in shock - like you said. T did something that wasn't expected. I can totally understand you emotionally shutting down as a defense response. Why not go ahead and use the email to express how you felt about the situation? Seriously, most of my healing has been the result of my own processing through email. It is just easier to write it out when I am feeling it and working through things. See how you feel just writing out how that session made you feel.

[rainbow8]

I don't think you ruined it either, ECHOES. You just didn't know how to react because you were surprised. But I think I get it. You want to be able to react in the session with your T. Is that it, or am I off base? Not to always react afterwards and privately?

I'm reading the book on mindfulness that my T recommended and I think I understand why she doesn't like me to read emails to her in the session. She wants me to be present and interact with her in the moment. That's the hardest thing to do but is the most rewarding. Is that what you're talking about?

So, what do you think now about being allowed to email your T? Do you think you're going to email her after each session or just when you can't tell her something? Did she say she would respond? Email is great to have but as you know it can cause misunderstandings so it's best to get the rules spelled out ahead of time so you won't be disappointed. I'm glad your T is allowing it for you!

[lastyearisblank]

You didn't ruin it. Right now, it's not that special or exciting thing yet. It's just a piece of paper. I think some people would be thrilled by that, but it is ok not to be one of those people.

Honestly I feel like what matters is how you're going to use it. I'm really excited for you!

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Suddenly she turns around to her desk (she sits with her back to it), opens her drawer for a sheet of paper, and says "Let me give you my direct email address" and writes it down

ECHOES, this reminds me of something that happened with my first therapist, and I was totally floored by it, and I think angry too (although I didn't know it for a couple of years, slow processor that I am). There is something in your description that is just so sudden and casual about your T just writing down her email for you, as if it is no big deal. Well, if it was so easy for her to do that, why all the stonewalling about this for the last 3 years (or however long), why all the "you must only write to me vis my PsychToday site"? If she can just turn around and hand you her email to you on a paper, why didn't she do this before?

ECHOES, I'm not really looking for your answers to those questions, but just trying to characterize how I would feel if a T suddenly changed her mind on me about something like this. I would feel like T, if you can do this now, what was the big deal, why didn't you do this sooner? Why did you put me through all this angst?

Do you think there is anything like that in your reaction?

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Why could I not have just been joyful?! Excited, allowed the specialness of the moment? I turned it into something negative and I am so mad at myself. I ruin moments like this all the time and I hate it!

But in the moment, were you feeling joyful or excited? It sounds like you were surprised and maybe a little angry (you said you acted bratty). And the way you acted was consistent with those feelings? I wonder if you are feeling that you should have felt joyful and excited?

[PTSDlovemycats]

Echoes, I think it is really cool that she gave you her email address. Your feelings on this may change in a bit, you never know.

[WikidPissah]

Echos...you didn't ruin it. I feel similar when someone gives me something out of the blue. I step back and analyze it. You'll probably feel much better when you use it and realize that the tool might work well for you.

[Perna]

I think I would have been with that bratty self. Here you wanted something for a long time, it was important enough to you you asked and had to accept being turned down and suddenly she doesn't remember this, acts like you should have asked and she would have given it to you?

I would talk to her about it next week; ask her how long she's had email or been using it with some clients, etc. Maybe it's "new" to her. It does sound strange to me that she went through Psychology Today, which I wouldn't feel would necessarily be very private; it sounds like she may not know that much about computers and be new to the scene or uncomfortable, etc.? She may not have been comfortable using email at all so didn't bother having an address because she wouldn't want to use it, might forget or get confused/been afraid of bad things happening?

But I would still be bratty and want to know why she didn't mention the previous interchange where you asked to use email but were denied! She could have at least hinted that she knew you wanted email/that she had denied it in the past and this was a change and it was her "fault".

Originally Posted by ECHOES

Why could I not have just been joyful?! Excited, allowed the specialness of the moment? I turned it into something negative and I am so mad at myself. I ruin moments like this all the time and I hate it!

Oh, (((((((((ECHOES))))))))))))). Isn't it so easy to beat ourselves up for the things we say, the things we do, how we react to things? That's usually how my big shame spirals start. I lay in bed, I think about something "stupid" I said earlier in the day, and every "stupid" thing I've ever done starts pouring in. Blah.

I am trying to treat myself better. When it starts...when I picture a moment from earlier in the day when I said the "wrong" thing....I literally say to myself "it's okay, everyone says something sometimes that they wish they didn't say". And you know what? It just STOPS. Because it IS okay. Of course we react to things sometimes in a way we don't want to, but it is OKAY. It's not "stupid". It's just what we did in the moment. You didn't ruin anything, because there was no "right" way to react. Your T is human, you are human, and there is no script you have to follow.

You could go to your next session and say "I don't know why I reacted how I did...I'm really happy to have your e-mail". Or maybe you could say "I was both happy AND angry about the e-mail and I'm not sure why". Or whatever...it's okay to be who you are and to feel how you feel. And it's so normal to feel more than one way about something...we are complicated!

Be gentle with you, ECHOES

[anilam]

I just wonder why she did not gave you this earlier.
Just seems strange to me cause I had a T office number and mail address before I have started therapy.
After that he gave me his personal cell number in case of an emergency (or later I have to promise him that before I do stg stupid I call him)
I haven't used it yet (4 years of therapy).
Just the feeling that I could call him day or night its priceless and have always stopped me.

[ECHOES]

Well, I have had her office number and cell number since the beginning. I think it was that I was not speaking much in therapy and she wanted me to be able to do that first, and not have email as a replacement for speaking in therapy.

I have left messages on her voice mail, and called her cell once when it was necessary to contact her right away and another time (at nearly midnight! ) when I meant to be calling her office number.

[ECHOES]

tree, yes I will talk about it tomorrow. I suspect it is more of the advance/retreat pattern.
And tonight I was reading another site about BPD and the retalliation of retreating, of not saying what we think and feel. Retalliation for not being heard, seen, which amounts to feeling abandoned. (I posted a link in the BPD forum).

I have a cold and don't feel so hot, which for me can be good because my defenses don't seem to have their normal energy either .... so talking about this feels like something I want to do and not another thing to avoid.

rainbow, yes that is exactly what I want, to get to the point of responding honestly in the moment. I am very much a person who has delayed reactions, having to think about it, rather than being spontaneous and then dealing with what comes up. It is unnecessary 'safeness' to think or overthink and detracts from the experiences we have.

((((thank you)))) to all who replied and for saying I didn't ruin it.

[Fuzzybear]

[googley]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

I have left messages on her voice mail, and called her cell once when it was necessary to contact her right away and another time (at nearly midnight! ) when I meant to be calling her office number.

Not really on topic, but it reminded me of my experience.
I once accidentally called my Pdocs emergency cell phone number when he was on vacation instead of calling his office number. And he picked up. I just needed to re schedule my appointment after he got back.

I hope you talk to your T about all this.

[lastyearisblank]

Wow that is great. It's really impressive that you're using this to take a look at your patterns.

Please please please don't be too hard on yourself though. As you can see from the variety of very insightful reactions here, a lot of people wouldn't really know how to feel about this.

((Echoes)) Hope it works out ok!

[Sannah]

Echoes, was her giving you her direct email too intimate? (And I don't think that you ruined it either. You just responded this way for specific reasons. Your reasons are valid.)