[Suratji]

This is a continuation of 2 Threads: “I Think I’m an Idiot” & “Grooves in the Brain”. I want to thank everyone who joined me on this journey of discovery – the discovery of how to better ourselves and how to understand the process. Your ideas and suggestions and stories have helped me a lot. A lot of your comments have been integrated into the following explanation

I went into session today with a couple of objectives – one of which was to explore my feelings of being an idiot with all my new and raw self-exposure. I told T that she had led me on. That she allowed, actually encouraged me to gut myself and let my innards lay out in the open exposed. I told her that she should have stopped it from happening. I told her that she should have known early in our relationship that I was heading towards neediness and dependency on her. I told her that she should have warned me and not let me go there because neediness can only cause pain and suffering and why should I experience that in therapy.

I told her that a new element has been introduced in my life. I came in with particular issues and now I have new issues with my fear and anxiety about exposure and I now feel anger towards her because of that. I told her that we could have addressed my issues without me having to go through all of this agony. I told her it was her fault and she should take responsibility.

And I ranted and vented and finally looked at her and said, “And so, what do you have to say for yourself?” She laughed. Now I need to tell you that my T is awesome and her laugh, to me, signifies that she has heard me and understood me and supports me. It feels good and comforting. Also, while venting, I was not actually feeling the emotion of anger – it was more like frustration with a keen desire to understand.

I can’t piece together the sequence of our conversation, nor can I separate out what I have learned from my readings & other sources so I will just explain how I understand this situation from all sources of learning, including comments from people on PC.

Probably most people live with emotional wounds – some more serious than others. Many people can live their whole lives without trying to heal their wounds or maybe their wounds have not been exposed to irritants, therefore they feel less pain.

Others feel their wounds deeply and /or finally developmentally they are ready to try to heal the wounds so their lives are less painful.

My understanding is that all of our experiences, conscious or not, are stored in the brain. Most of those experiences are benign and are tucked away because there is no reason to retrieve them (or maybe they never got stored because they’re so inconsequential – I’m not sure)

But painful experiences do get ‘stuck’ and if we’re not aware of them, they can wreak havoc on our lives. We will live our lives by reacting unconsciously to triggers around us. We may not understand why we flare with anger or retreat in fear or be aroused by anxiety. The current stimulus may not require such a response but because it may ‘look like’ something our brain remembers from the past, we react in the way we would have reacted to that past stimulus.

So, back to brain grooves – these are the well-traveled synapses between our neurons, as I understand it. It is how we do so many things automatically and explains why habits are so hard to change.

My concern was that by reactivating old memories or old experiences and reliving their emotional pain, I would be solidifying the strength and durability of those grooves – that I would have a slimmer chance of making change.

My T explained to me that actually it’s the opposite. The grooves are deep and entrenched right now and only by releasing the emotions that have been created by past pain, can we have hope of redirecting those synapses.

So, dependency on and neediness for our therapist are good for this process. We are beginning a deeply emotional process to break through our old ineffective patterns and we NEED and DEPEND on support to go through this. There is nothing wrong with feeling dependent. Our culture so much honors independence that we forget that in reality we are all dependent on each other in one way or another.

While we’re in the process of ‘this work’, we need to feel safe enough to ‘gut’ ourselves and put our innards on display because that’s the only way we can get in and do the heavy work. If we’re hesitant and we hold back, it will take that much longer and will be that much more difficult.

It will be painful but it’s better than being stuck forever with bad behavior patterns.

And after we gone some distance in our healing or even completed it, we won’t need the support of our therapist as much.

So, to conclude, I was not an idiot – I was doing the difficult work & I believe now that the grooves in the brain can be altered by allowing the old painful emotions to come to the surface and be seen.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Suratji! I told you that you could create new grooves!! Glad that things went so well with your T!!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by PTSDlovemycats

Suratji! I told you that you could create new grooves!! Glad that things went so well with your T!!

Thanks PTSD - all of your supportive comments were very helpful to me.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Your welcome Suratji. Glad I could help. I try...

[lastyearisblank]

So glad it went well Suratji, by the way I love the phrase grooves in the brain, it reminds me of a poem.

[karebear1]

Yeah for you! I'm glad you are feeling more positively towards T and Therapy.

[SpiritRunner]

great! I love your post! My T has explained things like this to me, too....only she has used the term patterns, new patterns replacing old patterns (new grooves in place of old ones). It can sure be done and you are doing it and so are many of us here!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

So glad it went well Suratji, by the way I love the phrase grooves in the brain, it reminds me of a poem.

Yeah, 'grooves' can be a noun or a verb. I had used it as a noun but I feel like dancing when I hear it as a verb. I think I should capture the mood and skip my way through a new poem. Thanks for the idea.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Yeah, 'grooves' can be a noun or a verb. I had used it as a noun but I feel like dancing when I hear it as a verb. I think I should capture the mood and skip my way through a new poem. Thanks for the idea.

makes me think 'groovy grooves, groovy, groovy new grooves grooving in my brain'! silly I know!

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by poetgirl76

makes me think 'groovy grooves, groovy, groovy new grooves grooving in my brain'! silly I know!

I love silly. One of my friends calls me 'giggles'.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by Suratji

Yeah, 'grooves' can be a noun or a verb. I had used it as a noun but I feel like dancing when I hear it as a verb. I think I should capture the mood and skip my way through a new poem. Thanks for the idea.

Maybe we could all put our ideas into your new poem. You know... you start it, someone else adds to it? Could be fun to hear what people think about the groovy grooves of this gregorious group- huh??

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by Suratji

So, to conclude, I was not an idiot

Yay!! I am so glad to read those words from you. It sounds like you have reached a nuanced understanding of why the close relationship (and dependency) with your therapist will be helpful to you. And that knowing that will make it easier for you to accept. You can now dive in!!

I too like the phrase "grooves in the brain."

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by karebear1

Maybe we could all put our ideas into your new poem. You know... you start it, someone else adds to it? Could be fun to hear what people think about the groovy grooves of this gregorious group- huh??

O.k. and then when we get published, the authors will be named as Those Crazies or We're Not Stuck or.... ideas anyone? We need a name of our gregarious goofy group before we begin

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I too like the phrase "grooves in the brain."

Noun or verb?

[lastyearisblank]

I actually saw it as a band name... Idiot me & the Brain Grooves....

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I actually saw it as a band name... Idiot me & the Brain Grooves....

[Suratji]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

I actually saw it as a band name... Idiot me & the Brain Grooves....

At first when I read that I thought you were saying that there is a band now whose name is "Idiot Me and the Brain Grooves". I was stunned. How is that possible? My goodness. Then, (I'm kinda slow, you've noticed) I realized that you thought it could be a band name. Man, I laughed out loud again just visualizing those band members