[WePow]

Not sure what to title this or how to start... or if I should write this.
Thankfully T will never read this since he doesn't come onto PC.
I won't send it to him. I doubt I will talk about it... even though honesty is the best... It is just a double bind.

Yesterday at the start of session, T told me that he had not READ the emails I sent him when I was writing about emotionally curling up with T when he was gone. I don't care if he can't respond, I know that he needs his time. But this was not the first time he said he didn't read them. I always emotionally blocked that reply out but wasn't sure why.

Now I know - it was too big of an emotional pain to actually KNOW that he didn't even read the emails. They were not books. I feel like I am complaining but I am not trying to be that way.

The session was stilted. T knew something was wrong but I couldn't verbalize it. If I told him, he could (and prob would) tell me not to email at all - just to journal it. That would really have set me off. So I remained silent. He even motioned between us and said "Is everything alright here?"

Then he told me how special and intimate the last session was to him and he honored me for it. Ok - so you do care but don't care?

Bottom line is I got to the car and broke down crying. Sucked it up to be home without questions from S/O. Then wept all night with a broken heart.

Now I am still in pain but trying to just move away from the emotion. Very lost inside.

[Sannah]

I do hope that you discuss this with him. When is your next appt.?

[lastyearisblank]

I am so sorry wepow. Like really really sorry. I can feel your sorrow reading the post. Like is this something to be mad about, is it making too big a deal.

I have a feeling from reading your other posts that you will be able to cope with this alone. But just know that, it is pretty upsetting to send someone an email and not have them read it, especially in therapy. I don't know if you'd agreed beforehand that he'd read everything, but it feels unreliable that he said that.

I hope you can talk to him about it. He didn't lie about not reading it, and he asked if something was wrong. That's a place to start at least. It was still wrong that he didn't read the email, but he can fix this.

[WePow]

Thanks guys. He booked someone else for my normal Monday spot - not that I cared by the end of session yesterday. So I don't see him again until next Tue.
Maybe by that time I will have been able to emotionally get this stupid door totally shut again.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by WePow

Maybe by that time I will have been able to emotionally get this stupid door totally shut again.

Eek! Can you call or email him then?

[lastyearisblank]

Close the door if need be but this is so striking.

If I told him, he could (and prob would) tell me not to email at all - just to journal it. That would really have set me off. So I remained silent. He even motioned between us and said "Is everything alright here?"

We have such fears. (((((Wepow))))) I hope you can have this conversation face to face. He might not want you to journal about this. Can you talk about it when you see him?

[Seshat]

Sorry to hear that, WePow.

[SpiritRunner]

((((((((((WePow)))))))))) I am sorry, I know how this hurts. Of course you want him to at least read them.....but then you are afraid to tell him because you fear he will take away emails and tell you to journal.....I know the fear of things being taken away. But I still think you need to tell him what hurt and why and what you are afraid of.....can you call him?

[doogie]

Wow. I'm sorry. I would be hurt if my T told me this. Like you, no response is ok, but saying he didn't read it is tough. Be easy on yourself. Let yourself feel how you feel. I know, easier said than done. SO sorry.

[WePow]

((((PG)))) I could call him, but I don't want to. I am even SERIOUSLY considering cancelling session next Tue. If I had to give several days notice, I would sent the email right now!!!! But I will see how I feel Sunday night. Right now I just feel like I was living in some stupid dream of how I thought he cared but the facts are the facts. IDK. Back to some of my old ways of stopping myself from feeling the pain. Uggg

[SpiritRunner]

((((((((WePow)))))))) Be gentle with yourself and be safe with yourself! I am sorry for the pain; you ARE cared for, and cared for very much here, by others, by me! That is not a dream. Nor is it a dream that your T has cared for and does care for you......remember "I loved it out of you"?!

[OrangeMoira]

Oh, I'm so sorry. Anyone would feel hurt by that. I wish your T had explained more--was he planning to read them later, but didn't get to them in time for session? It seems a little harsh to allow you to send emails but not read them.

I think he does care. Maybe he just stinks at keeping up with his emails. He's only human.

I'm sorry you had to "suck it up" to go home. It's no fun to pretend you're okay when you're hurting so bad inside. You're very brave to acknowledge the pain and deal with it. You are very strong to wait until Sunday to make the decision. I'm glad you are able to do these things to take care of yourself.

[Oceanwave]

Oh no. (((((WePow)))))

Sending you lots of hugs.

I would feel let down too by that comment. Be sure to let him know how hurtful that is. On the positive side, I believe he trusts the stability of your relationship enough to dare to be honest about reading or not reading your emails. You also know that it's not all or nothing; he reads (and responds to) many of your emails but in this case he didn't. It doesn't mean that he never reads you, he doesn't care, or he doesn't love you. Not reading an email doesn't equal no love and no care. Love and care are separate and they are genuinely there between the two of you. I think you know that he is a good enough T, and often a lot more than good enough. He has given so much for you, but he can't give everything. And you have given him a lot too, and he knows that. Hang on to that history, because it is strong. WePow, your relationship can take this, I promise, and I think you know that too by now. Talk to him, and give yourself permission to forgive him. And please, please don't take it out on yourself. If someone is mean to you that just means THEY have a problem. It doesn't mean that you deserve it or that you are not loveable! It just means that the other person is being lazy (in this case) or making a mistake, or being a jerk, etc. You are loveable, WePow.

[karebear1]

Originally Posted by WePow

((((PG)))) I could call him, but I don't want to. I am even SERIOUSLY considering cancelling session next Tue. If I had to give several days notice, I would sent the email right now!!!! But I will see how I feel Sunday night. Right now I just feel like I was living in some stupid dream of how I thought he cared but the facts are the facts. IDK. Back to some of my old ways of stopping myself from feeling the pain. Uggg

Don't do it WePow- going back to those old ways are destructive, not protective or productive. Please don't cause yourself more harm. I'm learning this the hard way as I write... and it is so much more painful than just expressing your feelings.

[WePow]

You guys...... I had to get up from the computer for a while after reading your replies. I was crying and hiding it from my S/O so she wouldn't ask what was wrong.

I know you are right, but I just CAN'T ever tell him this. I am beyond terrified of him not allowing me to email at all. And no matter what his theraputic reasoning may be, I would see it as being punished. And I can't go through THAT.

PG... man, I really cried inside when you reminded me of what T said. I am kinda mad at him for saying that now ... mad at him for letting me get close to him!! It hurts in a way I can't explain. T would tell me it was touching on a trauma ... ugggg.

I know I can't go back to my old ways, it is just so hard to FEEL this level of pain from this. It hurts too big. It is the kind of pain that makes me WANT to call him but since it is about him, it makes me want to hide forever.

It was so strange because last night I wrote my poem God's Etch-A-Sketch ... And I wrote it thinking about stuff on the way home between the tears. Just so glad that there is NO WAY this pain will last forever. Silence WILL be mine. Not that I am going to rush it. But I found it "interesting" that in the midst of the pain last night, for the first time in my life I was so very thankful that we are given an ending.

Oceanwave, I know you are right. I know he does trust the relationship and me. He tells me how he knows I will always work things out. I know he was on a vacation and out of pocket. He did read part of one email. I know I sent him a small handful. I know I do it just to vent.

But it was something about KNOWING he didn't read them... esp the one where I really poured out my heart when I needed him Friday night. It feels like I really was alone and was just pretending he was there. I almost typed out "pretending my dad was there" ... I know, transference. I don't care. I just need to accept the adult part of this and the facts. Discard the stupid emotion of caring about him or needing him emotionally. I needed my dad. He was not there the right way. I can't get it back. And T can't do it. I know that.

I will just post this now. My head hurts and I am starting to cry again. urrrrr.

[SpiritRunner]

Oh, WePow, your post makes me cry too.....because I understand some parts of what you posted so well. I know the feeling of feeling punished by T taking something away, even though I understand T's reasoning and accept that she had no intent to punish, it still feels that way. But I KNOW she cares, cares in a safe way for me and is thinking of what is good for me.....
Your T gave you a wonderful gift when he said those words....a gift I don't think he will take away just because you say you're hurt he didn't read the email. I don't know your T, but I don't think he would take away the email if you only say it hurts that he didn't read this one/these in particular.....I think he understands the way it would feel to you and wouldn't want to do that to you. But again, I understand the fear of being punished.....and of wanting T to be safe in a way your father was not....
It felt to me like T did to me what my parents did, that she punished me....and it hurt. Yet I see also that the pattern is not the same, what she did was not done in anger, but in calm caring, and with a few tears in her eyes too, because she KNEW it would hurt me but was still willing to do it for my best interests...so anyway it was different because, even if my T will never say the word love to me, it was done with love, I feel that.
T can't be your father, no....and there is transference, yes. But still the thing that Ts can do, even if they can't be our parents and fix that broken relationship, is that they can help us see that the pattern of our broken relationships does NOT have to be repeated.....even if there is hurt sometimes because of the inherent nature of the T relationship, there is still healing in it! Hold on to that, WePow, there HAS been healing in your relationship with T....
Forgive me if I have said anything amiss or wounding here....I just wish I could offer you words of love and comfort to wrap yourself in instead of this pain....

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( WePow ))))

How heartbreaking!

I really do hope that you find the strength to address this with T AND to address your fear of him saying not to email but to journal instead. You have a good relationship with your T, and I imagine he'll understand your sadness and disappointment. This is creating such emotional turmoil for you, and it's so hard....

[WePow]

UGG! Well, I may have just made the biggest mistake of my life!!!!!!
I just sent this email to T - the subject was "DON'T READ"

~~~~~~~~~~~
T

that is my little kid pout face
I lied to you yesterday when you asked if everything was ok between us.
But I couldn't tell you ....

when I left, I cried non stop on the way home
I sucked it up so my S/O wouldn't see
then cried last night until I fell asleep
Ended up posting on PC and they helped me.

It is just my stupid transference junk and I got to figure that out.
I was TERRIFIED to ever tell you because I just knew you would punish me by not allowing me to email you. And I couldn't face that - no matter why.

I am like that dog who keeps peeing in the kitchen and the owner catches the dog, yells at the dog, then throws him out the window. Soon the dog learns to pee in the kitchen and then jump out the window.
I want to jump out the window right now and punish myself before you can.

I hope you just see the subject and don't read this because I don't want you to know this junk.
I even more don't want to process it.

When you told me that you didn't get the chance to read my emails to you, I was triggered.
Adult mind understood why and all that logical stuff. I got it that you could not reply... and that was fine emotionally. And you told me many times you didn't get the chance to read my stupid emails and it never hurt this way.

So now I got to figure out about the stupid transference stuff.
The pain feels alone - very deeply alone. You are not there. I write it and think "Dad is not there."
Anger and pain. Resilience. I want to cancel seeing you next Tuesday. That is my emotion. Withdraw - flight. I don;'t need you anyway. I say it and feel about 8 yrs old. I feel like I need my dad for some reason - to come home - to help me. To keep me safe. But he won't come home. When he does come home, they won't even LISTEN to me !!! No body cares!!! So I don't care either.

It was the content of that email that made it trigger me to know I wasn't heard. I exposed too much.
I was too open. I needed you Friday night and you were the only human in the universe who I knew could get it. But you never even heard what I said and I had written how wonderful it was to be able to "emotionally curl up with T" even when you were out and not able to get emails. It felt like you were still there somehow. That you would care when you had a chance.

I know logically you care.

That is enough. I'm glad I don't have to see you until next Tuesday.

W

~~~~~~~~~~

uggg! what have I done!!!

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( WePow ))))

What a wonderful message to T! So honest....as much as it hurts right now to share it with T, to expose those awful feelings to him, I do believe that it was the healthiest thing for you to do. I'm so glad you sent it....Please be gentle with yourself right now. I care about you....

[WePow]

(((((((MUE)))))))))) Thank you so much.

[Sweetlove]

((((((((Wepow)))))))

Your courage is amazing. There are some things I need to talk to my T about concerning our relationship recently and I'm terrified he will hate me for bringing it up. I was seriously thinking about not talking to him, but after reading that email to your T, I think I'm going to talk to him. It is honest and raw, without being confrontational or disrespectful. Thank you.

I hope T responds to this email..even if you told him not to read it. Take care of yourself

[SpiritRunner]

(((((WePow))))) That was beautiful and honest and courageous. I hope T does read it and I hope he really hears and listens and responds to you in a safe, loving way that helps you!

[Seshat]

Congrats! That was courageous and honest indeed, WePow.

[Elana05]

WePow,

I don't know the right thing to say, except to say that I fully believe in your right to be angry.

I tried to put myself in your position... If I sent e-mails to my T and she told me she didn't read them, I would be hurt and mad. Is there some compromise? Couldn't he scan them and pick out a sentance or two to talk about? He has a valid reason (he is very busy) and you have a valid reason (you depend on him as your therapist) so no one is right or wrong... Yet your feelings are correct. You have a right to be angry because all of your feelings are valid.