[granite1]

i have read so much here about attachment and boundaries and so on it just totally confuses me about what T really want from us or what is helpfully.
do T really want us to become attached to them??
to be Dependant on them??
or does it not make any difference at all??

i don't know,from my own experience if you get attached to a T the work really hard at keeping this attachment at bay or sever it completely.OR if you are just showing up week after week and seem to just not care or trust they do all they can to earn your trust and to form some sort of attachment.i just don't get it as clients will we ever get it right.

i have been very attached to one T in my life and she left after 4 months and i know i had a lot to do with it.i mean not me directly but how the program i was in was dealing with me,and I'm sure other clients.but she made arrangements for me to be moved to another residential program and quit her job at the same time.i was so close to her it hurt so bad she was the only T i was ever able to talk to.i always wondered if my attachment was too much.so she left.but on the other end i have never gotten this attached to another T and it seems like that is all the T want is to get past this so called huge wall i have.esp this T she has even came out and said that she is working so hard to get me to come out of this thick shell i have.

WHY if i do ,it seems all that will happen is we move to the hurtful phase of you shouldn't be so attached to me and need to work things out on your own.this is what i was doing before you said i should let you help so I'm not alone in this??????
am i the only one confused by this??????

[dizgirl2011]

Wow..you have PERFECTLY summed up what it's like to be a client who gets attached to people at times and how we get continuous conflicting messages all the time!!

I 100000% agree with everything you said - one minute it's "im here for you" and they gain your trust, want you to open up etc, then they get scared that you are dependant and they push you away.....it does feel like we cant win!

I would love to be one of those clients who didnt get attached at all because all it does is hurt (like hell) when we have to give our T up anyway!!

I wish I could give you massive hugs right now as I know what its like to loose a T (more than once) and I know how very painful it is!

I may even print out what you wrote (removing any names etc) and read it to my therapist if thats ok with you? Because you have sumed it up so well how it feels to be confussed and torn apart by such issues!



Dizgirl xxxx

[maggyjo]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

one minute it's "im here for you" and they gain your trust, want you to open up etc, then they get scared that you are dependant and they push you away.....it does feel like we cant win!

This is the way it always seems to me too.

Completely baffling!

Maggy Jo

[maggyjo]

Oh yeah and just a funny note...

I am heading out the door to an attachment training in just a minute. This training is how to deal with the "push away" behaviors in attachment.

Maggy Jo

[granite1]

i have been thinking a lot about this all lately because i am scared .i know i am slowley starting to feel close to my T and maybe even trust her somewhat and what if i accuall jump in as you all sometimes say and i get the.bootcamp T back again or i find out if i trust her or start to feel attached she will gut add all kinds of boundries and stuff to push me away.i'm not talking about wanting to move in with her or anything i am just even talking about simple trust that she will not just up and leave or kick me to the curb because she doesnt want to deal with me or cant.says she will do one thing and than does another.i dont ever want a repeat of the e-mail thing it was so horrable.i had such a hard time understanding it.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by granite1

do T really want us to become attached to them?? to be Dependant on them?? or does it not make any difference at all??

I think some clients do good work without becoming attached, so I don't think it's necessary. For me, being very connected and securely attached to my T have been very healing. I think there is a difference between being attached and dependent, though. I don't feel dependent even though I'm attached (but maybe I'm kidding myself).

I think many Ts are very good at encouraging attachment from clients and forming a solid, trusting relationship. Many Ts are very good at connecting. Where I think many Ts fall short is in knowing how to resolve the relationship. Now that the client is strongly attached, and the T has helped them accomplish their goals in therapy, how does the T help the client not be devasted and traumatized when it is time to end the relationship? Sadly, I think some Ts just don't think this far in advance. They emphasize all the up front work, like building trust, but don't know how to end the relationship therapeutically. Maybe they took Therapy 101 and 102 in school, but skipped out of Therapy 103?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sunrise

I think some clients do good work without becoming attached, so I don't think it's necessary. For me, being very connected and securely attached to my T have been very healing. I think there is a difference between being attached and dependent, though. I don't feel dependent even though I'm attached (but maybe I'm kidding myself).

I think many Ts are very good at encouraging attachment from clients and forming a solid, trusting relationship. Many Ts are very good at connecting. Where I think many Ts fall short is in knowing how to resolve the relationship. Now that the client is strongly attached, and the T has helped them accomplish their goals in therapy, how does the T help the client not be devasted and traumatized when it is time to end the relationship? Sadly, I think some Ts just don't think this far in advance. They emphasize all the up front work, like building trust, but don't know how to end the relationship therapeutically. Maybe they took Therapy 101 and 102 in school, but skipped out of Therapy 103?

thanks sunrise i was devistated when this T left.i dont want that to happen with this T at all but she keeps trying to as she calls it break through my shell.before i even think of this i feel like i need a plan to keep her from being able to hurt me.i would guess that means maybe i'm not ready to trust her yet

[WePow]

Sometimes it feels like T wants us to be close to them so we will trust them (My T has actually said the words "Trust me") ... but then when we do, they do things to make that trust shake a bit. I think they do that intentionally so they can see how we respond. I don't think they do it to be mean (although I have wondered). I think they do it because that is how relationships work "in the real world" and they want us to learn how to stay healthy when we percieve trouble in relationships. That is why they want us to bring up the times when we get mad at them. That is my take on it.

[lastyearisblank]

I don't think your attachment has anything to do with that woman leaving granite. Maybe if it had been a better treatment clinic, you would have had a better experience AND she wouldn't have had to leave. That one is definitely the clinic's fault.

I get this weird feeling, sometimes, like therapists don't fully understand what kind of attachment people need to work on. If you go in being super friendly, they will encourage you to be more independent. If you go in with walls up, they will try to get you to break them down. It's like you can't be too available or too coy and that's not their fault. They just don't KNOW you. They are trying to take a guess what is causing more problems, not having enough barriers, or having too many..

But the most important thing is to show who YOU are.

Can you share this story in therapy, granite? It may help her understand that your walls are thick but they're basically only up until you can build some more trust together.

[PTSDlovemycats]

Originally Posted by lastyearisblank

But the most important thing is to show who YOU are.

Definitely!!

[Chloe2]

I might be misunderstanding, but to me trust, dependency and attachment are not the same. You can trust and feel an attachment with someone without being dependent on them. I personally believe that most Ts don't want to create a dependency, an attachment yes, and trust yes, but not a dependency. That said I don't have much therapy experience so I'm probably way off. Im using my relationship with my T, I feel attached, for the most part I trust him, but I do not feel dependent on him. I do depend on him knowing what he is doing with me

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by granite1

i have been very attached to one T in my life and she left after 4 months

i was so close to her it hurt so bad she was the only T i was ever able to talk to.

if i do ,it seems all that will happen is we move to the hurtful phase of you shouldn't be so attached to me and need to work things out on your own.this is

Originally Posted by granite1

i have been thinking a lot about this all lately because i am scared .

i know i am slowley starting to feel close to my T and maybe even trust her somewhat and

what if i accuall jump in as you all sometimes say and i get the.bootcamp T back again or i find out if i trust her or start to feel attached she will gut add all kinds of boundries and stuff to push me away.

she will not just up and leave or kick me to the curb because she doesnt want to deal with me or cant.

says she will do one thing and than does another.

i dont ever want a repeat of the e-mail thing it was so horrable.i had such a hard time understanding it.

This is good stuff granite, important stuff that is affecting you in therapy. Have you thought about it more?